Revenge Recap: So Now We’re Just Beating Up Priests

Last night's episode of Revenge was dumber than my friend who thinks Lately is Chelsea Handler's last name. It's like they can't think of any plot points so they're just throwing in random French people and clergymen to spice shit up. Like I kid you not the Wikipedia summary for last night's episode was “Emily starts her revenge on her next target while Aiden teams up with Victoria to get their revenge on Emily. ” Say crack again. But whatevs, I guess that's what happens when an entire series is based on one girl's lifelong struggle with PMS vengeance. 

But actually, Emanda's beginning monologues are starting to get even more incoherent than they previously were. It actually sounds a lot like the SNL parody of Brad Pitt's Chanel #5 commercial. Like the script reads: just ramble on without thinking. “blah blah blah original sin blah blah”


Call Outs

Charlotte's weird ass bangs are the scariest thing about this episode.

Seriously this is the only show I have to have on max volume because everyone speaks in such intense fucking whispers. 

Does ABC use the same black hoodies for A and Emanda?

Why is Victoria always wearing tight form fitting cocktail dresses during the day?

How can anyone take anything Nolan says seriously while he's wearing that orange sorbet button-down?

Does this priest have a speech impediment or is it just me?

How does poor Jack afford an iPad? Why is there never anyone at this bar? 

I had a feeling you'd be uncapping that red sharpie now that Jack set a deadline. Who's next to get caught with red on their face?” Nolan knows that's the only reason we watch this show.

I'm so tired of this tired of his “Aunty” – shit Charlotte says. In fact I'm pretty tired of Charlotte in general can she die already. 

LOL Moments

Charlotte: You deserve to die miserable and alone and without any custom cuff links.

Obviously Jack uses a ghetto version of red sharpie to cross shit out.

Nolan: I had PTSD: Padma Tyler Sexual Damage

Unhand my painting this instant!! – I feel like Victoria is four unnaturally placed words away from saying EN GARDE!

What is this pink liquid sedative emanda keeps feeding Connie? Who is her roofie dealer?

LOL where do you want your company headquarters? Montauk, the center of the universe!


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