Revenge Recap: Hide Your Secret Kids, Hide Your Secret Wife

When is this show going to fucking end? There are so many secret kids popping up this season yet somehow every character still totally sucks and I still don't know who half of them are. Like if you entered the cast post-Lydia Davis era I wouldn't know you if you literally popped out of my television and drew me a family tree in red sharpie. I also rely completely on the music to tell me how to feel or like, when to expect a commercial. And that's everything I know about this season of Revenge.

Anyway, everything on this show is “the event of the season” as if we have any way of knowing what season it is since they're in the Hamptons all fucking year. I literally don't know anyone who celebrates Halloween in the Hamptons. And stop acting like the Stowaway is the only bar there! It's an insult to the actual bars there.

So it turns out this masquerade ball was essentially an exact replica of the famed masquerade balls of Gossip Girl and PLL, even the masks were the same. We could practically write it ourselves: a case of mistaken identity due to similar hair color, an accidental ass grab here and there. Does anyone ever actually execute a successful masquerade ball?

Call Outs

The opening shot of Nolan writing on the wall like he's Mark Zuckerberg inventing Facebook or the schizophrenic in A Beautiful Mind. Either way you know he's through mourning because he's back to his gay sweater vests.

Young Victoria, who looks just like Spencer from PLL, WOULD fuck her mom's boyfriend. She needs a nose job. And apparently an abortion.

Wait, so Victoria's fake son has a red sharpie too?

Who just walks into someone's closet to ask for an invite to a lame party? Emanda.

Nolan is the worst fake crier I think I've ever seen. Less than feeling bad for him I want to punch him in the face. He's so much hotter behind a mask.

Jack Porter as Joe the Plumber – couldn’t have said it better myself. But honestly why would Conrad listen to Jack for what to say in his conference? Why don't you just ask fucking rainman to “personalize your responses” for you?

Why does baby Carl have a buzz cut?

Emanda: Nolan your friends need you to magically come up with turtle cams and hack into secret US government files. Get over your Indian beard for like a minute.

The fact that Trask is so ugly was a huge waste of what could've been a hot cast member. There should be a law that if your show sucks or is not on HBO, all the actors must be models. 

Emanda is prego? There's no way she can plan all these intricate revenge schemes yet can't remember to take her birth control. JK we know she's obvi fregnant (fake pregnant, fucking duh).

LOL Moments

“Start your revengines” – Nolan always gets the best/worst lines.

“Those people are townies, are any of them smart enough to ask that?” – Conrad, what a true statement.

Wouldn't it be funny if the shot of Padma was in Australia replicating the exact same role of the Olsen twins in Our Lips are Sealed?

“If Daniel turns to the falcon he could learn everything” – a real quote

Charlotte just straight up punches a bitch at the party. Taking into account her protruding man jaw, she's almost completed her transformation to Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby.

While some carry mints and tissues in their pockets, Daniel likes to arm himself for a night out on the town with some silver bullets.


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