Betches, we couldn't be happier to say that we've found a new show that we're not embarrassed to admit we're obsessed with. Everyone has their guilty pleasure, maybe it's Pretty Little Liars or The Secret Life of Fat Molly Ringwald, but as much as we want to scream “I'm an ABC Family fiend” at the top of our lungs, we fucking can't, because it's not okay to like these soft shows.
Enter Revenge, a show where mystery and manipulation meets hot rich people in the Hamptons. The only thing missing is a vampire, a Vanderpump and a bald lanky Jew and you've got the betch's dream team.
We can't deny that this show is a bit soap-y, but it's just SO fucking good because every episode leaves us with questions. Like, why is Emily-Amanda always sitting alone watching news footage on her computer? Why isn't Eric Van der Woodsen gay anymore? And he's poor now, what? Is his Grayson love interest no longer going on 30? Why is Daniel UNREAL?!?! Would they really continuously talk about framing David Clarke this long after all that shit happened? Idk, maybe they would. Will let you know next time we frame someone for a terrorist plot.
See betches, this show is so dynamic we couldn't just not recap.
Anyway, Victoria is so interesting. She's like the ice queen of the Hamptons and a 50 year-old Blair Waldorf all in one. Normally we'd make fun of her plastic surgery but it's so perfect for her role that it would almost be unrealistic if her face muscles weren't tranquilized. We like her because she used to be in love with Amanda-Emily's dad. IT LEAVES US WITH SO MUCH TO TRY TO FIGURE OUT!!
Emily-Amanda is so evil looking it's almost hysterical. Those chipmunk eyes scream “I'm going to get all of you, muahaha.” What's a devilish creature without its handy assistant? Welcome Nolan, we get that you look to Amanda-Emily's dad as some father figure, but maybe you should focus on finding a girlfriend or like a friend, first. Also, sooo casual he can hack into anything.
Daniel is ridiculously hot. We started a new Blackout Wednesday drinking game: anytime you or a bestie can't hold in screaming HE'S SO HOT whenever he graces the screen, take a
shot half shot.
Pause for a sec, we have to call out the fact that Daniel's parents keep saying he “fell off the wagon.” Graysons, don't you know that he just got out of college. College kids can't be held responsible for their alcoholism, really though it's true, like legally. Oh and your friend is SO into you. Get it together man, maybe your gaydar is off but this guy is one glass of cognac away from giving you a hand job.
The flashbacks kill us. It's like Emily-Amanda only remembers moments from betchhood when she was fake napping in her living room. Cool couch Mandy.
The narration in the beginning and end is so serious it's like a depressing audio book. She's like quoting Newton's laws and Shakespeare it's like, shut the fuck up and let me watch you prance around crossing peoples faces off photographs with your red sharpie.
Victoria is totally going to fuck the security investigator man man man man. He's on her side now, but watch: she fucks him and he'll run back to daddy Grayson faster than he can put on his boxers. Hold out Vic, giving it up too soon gets you nowhere.
And also, Vic, be a betchy mom and get your daughter drunk, no betch wants to go to a stupid ladies luncheon for “charity” for people you actually indirectly murdered.
Emily-Amanda is: – actually going to fall in love with Daniel before he gets killed on Labor Day (by none other than Jack) – going to fuck Nolan in a hypothetical subsequent season – going to admit she's gone through extensive botox and a brow lift and reveal that she is really Katherine Heigl
Nolan will: – become a character everyone really likes and/or – molest a young boy
Victoria will: – get thinner next season – fall off a balcony one day because all she does is stand on balconies
– I spend the whole time thinking about what other movies Lydia has been in. Like whereeee is she from. Whyyy don't I just check IMDB. Then I remember, Lydia stop being a bitch and go back to fucking the funny fat guy from Hitch.
– Cool I'm sorry gift Conrad, that convertible almost makes us forget you're a terrorist.
– Lydia is “one of the only people” who's therapy sessions wasn't exposed? Only 4 were exposed.
– Who doesn't love those moments when someone walks in or does something scandalous and the others' reactions is to sit there and slowly move their heads left and right suggesting they're thinking of something devious.
– Daniel working for daddy. Hahah of course you would make up an excuse not to. You just don't want to work Daniel. You want to drink. What a betch.
– Omg, and “the warmth you feel when I hug you, that's just my hatred burning through.” Love her. And you thought your fake smile was good.
– When Lydia magnifies the picture of her and Victoria. Who the fuck just pulls out a magnifying glass out of sheer robe. Are you fucking the Hamptons' on-site scientist as well?
– When Lydia bites the security guard, did she get lessons from JLo's trainer in Enough? Apparently not because she's a dead girl!