Red Wine Can Help You Lose Weight, Proving God Exists

Everyone always says that your wedding and having your first kid are the best days of your life, but those people are fucking stupid because this day is much more monumental. Scientists, yes actual fucking scientists, have concluded that grapes, AKA wine because grapes are irrelevant otherwise, can help you lose weight. This is what dreams are made of.

Of course, they only recommend a “glass” but that’s completely irrelevant. The way I see it, if you drink a bottle, that’s like going down a dress size. And imagine how much happier you’ll be on the all wine diet. Watching the Bachelor every Monday would be considered exercise, and frankly, that’s the world I want to live in. Wine gives people endorphins, endorphins make people happy and happy people don’t shoot their husbands.

If this isn’t a sure showing of a fucking higher power, then I don’t know what is. Jesus loved wine, so he totes made it low-cal. What a homie. Tequila is also proven to help you lose weight, so basically let’s all get fucked up in the name of fitness.


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