Real World Roundup: Fast Times at Horace Mann

Paris Hilton decides that the second easiest career in the world, a singing career is too much #36 work, decides to do the actual easiest job in the world and become a DJ. It's reported that Paris was so good that she is set to replace SHM as new greatest DJ of all time. NOT. In reality, Paris totally sucked when she DJ'ed in Brazil and played “We Found Love” at the same time as “Last Night” resulting in the shittiest mix of all time. When questioned about her horrible DJing skills, Paris said, “Yeah like, whatever. Have you seen my awesome diamond encrusted headphones!?” Read article>>

In a developing story on the Horace Mann teacher-rapists, it turns out an 88-year-old teacher named Mr. Lin is admitting to having sex with students, but tells everyone to chill out because it's totes nbd. Channeling his inner Creed from The Office, when asked about how many students he had sex with Lin ACTUALLY says “Maybe three, I don't know…In those days, it was very spontaneous and casual, In those days, the '60s and '70s, things were different.” As a point of reference we go to Creed Bratton.

Creed: In the sixties, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Also of note, Lin made his students come over and play the violin for him. Well Mr. Lin, that former little boy is certainly playing the violin now! Read article>>

Chris Brown and Drake have each been offered 1 million dollars to duke it out in a boxing match in the Staples Center. Apparently, Rihanna has come forward and says she will let Chris Brown beat the shit out of her for free. All proceeds will go to charity and all bruises will be talked about for the next 5 years. But while this would never actually happen, it might be one of the few occasions where betches would come out of the shadows and pretend to care about sports. Of course, we'd be more likely to attend if round 2 were at W.I.P, or at least Avenue. RIP 🙁 Read article>>

Pinkberry is now offering low-cal Greek froyo to patrons in Boston and is now opening stores at 8am. It seems Boston just became a betchier place, though who the fuck is eating Pinkberry at 8am is beyond us. Now if we could just get rid of those disgusting pubs. Read article>>


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