This week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York looks pretty promising as the cast are heading to Dorinda’s house in the Berkshires to celebrate her birthday, which is historically a giant shit show every single year. Dorinda literally described it as a shit show, so that’s when you know it’s bad (which is actually just good in reality television terms, if you’re new here).
This year, Dorinda’s being more “strategic” and bringing the Housewives to the Berkshires in three separate groups. This sounds like a pretty boring plan, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Ramona does something dramatic and keeps things entertaining. Also, I can’t get through this part without thinking of the gym scene in Mean Girls. Except, instead of Regina being the clueless one who thinks the school doesn’t have a clique problem (every Housewives franchise has a clique problem, for the record), Sonja’s the clueless one who thinks that because she gets to come up on the first day, she’s in some sort of exclusive club. In reality, she wasn’t invited last year, and Dorinda only invited her on the first day because she needed her to come with Tinsley and Ramona, aka the most unstable of the group, to diffuse the situation before everyone else arrives.
The other cliques are Bethenny and Carole, who would definitely sit at the Plastics’ table and then there’s Luann by herself, which is probably Cady eating lunch in a bathroom stall on the first day.
Tinsley is coming up to meet Sonja and Ramona later in the day, because she has plans to hang with her mom… and her dad’s ashes. Dark. There’s like, a lot of death this season. Also, we learn that Tinsley calls her mom her best friend, WHICH WE’VE TOLD YOU GUYS IS A WEIRD THING TO DO LIKE 500 TIMES. Ugh.
Tinsley’s mom wants her to have kids and tbh, I kind of tuned out during this part because it put me to sleep. Obv, that’s not going to happen anytime soon if she keeps going out with 23-year-olds. Unless, of course, she’s trying to trap someone. Terrible life plan, but it would make a great storyline.
Back in the Berkshires, Dorinda is forcing the girls to do bitch work aka decorate her house for Christmas.
Dorinda: Ramona, don’t help you’ll make it sloppy.
Damn, there’s really nothing worse than your friend telling you you’re not even good at doing her bitch work.
Back in the city, Carole is hanging out with Adam’s parents. She’s pretty pumped that Adam’s parents like her, and that’s probably because they went to high school together. Okay, that’s not true. But, it’s not really a stretch, either.
Carole is feeling some pressure, though, because she knows that Adam’s parents want him to have children, which is kind of a problem for our fave crazy cat lady.
Carole: I, reproductively speaking, am 200 years old.
She literally said that. I’m not even exaggerating at all.
Tinsley finally arrives to the Berkshires and decides that Dorinda might be Mrs. Claus. At first, I was like “ugh, come on Tinsley, your one liners suck,” but now I’m thinking that might be a valid theory.
Tinsley and Sonja are like, immediately butting heads. Honestly, their arguments feel kind of forced. Whoever told them they have to bicker all of the time for the show obviously forgot to tell them to do it well.
Sonja: I think I’m passive-aggressive now.
See, that’s why you just can’t hate Sonja. She’s annoying, but owns it, which I totally relate to on a spiritual level.
Dorinda got an “I MADE IT NICE” cake and squished it. This was obviously the work of a producer hoping to score another amazing GIF moment piggybacking off of Dorinda telling everyone to stop fucking up her birthday because she made the house nice.
Finally, Bethenny and Carole show up, where B starts off strong with the great quotes.
Bethenny: You could put me in a house with Jack Nicholson in the middle of a snow storm with a maze in it and I’d be more comfortable than I am at Dorinda’s in the Berkshires.
Dennis, Bethenny’s boring boyfriend that you prob already forgot about, sent Bethenny flowers to Dorinda’s house. I guess that’s nice, but he spelled her name wrong. Come on. She literally stars on a show where they display her name under her face every time she speaks. How can you mess that up? Moron.
Bethenny thinks Tom is having an affair and is trying to figure out what to do about it, because she doesn’t want telling Luann to be the “whole enchilada” it was last year. I have no idea what that means.
So, as per usual, everyone ends up sitting around trying to figure out if Tom is cheating on Luann. Hello!! Why is this still a debate?! Dorinda, who is probably Luann’s only legitimate friend on this show, is clueless. This is literally her response to the cheating allegations:
Dorinda: It’s my birthday.
I’d also like to point out that Dorinda calls texts “textes,” which is what Teresa Giudice from RHONJ calls them. Why do all Housewives have trouble with that word? What is this?
Dorinda decides she’s going to tell Luann about the rumors she’s heard (this whole situation would be easier for everyone if Gossip Girl existed IRL), and she picks RAMONA of all people to tell Luann the information. Which is the worst decision ever realistically but a GREAT decision for ratings. Let’s go back to five minutes ago when Dorinda didn’t even trust Ramona with the lights on her Christmas tree.
Everyone’s making cookies when Luann gets there before they’re going to tell her that Tom is cheating on her, which is kind of like when your parents bought you a teddy bear when your younger sibling was born because it means that now you have to share their love and money with someone else.
Sonja and Tinsley get into another fight that feels forced AF. Apparently, Tinsley asked Sonja’s assistant to answer the door when she had some hats delivered to her and Sonja freaked TF out. This doesn’t feel like something they need to be literally screaming at each other for after the fact.
Dorinda finally starts to tell Luann that she’s heard some shit about Tom and Luann’s not having it.
Luann: These BITCHES.
I mean, that’d prob be my response too.
Luann tells Dorinda that she totally trusts Tom with just about the same expression that Melania Trump makes whenever she has to talk about ol’ Donny, so yeah I’m pretty convinced and looking forward to seeing how this wedding goes.