This week’s RHONY finale was literally so boring, I think the only angle is to just say that it was the most boring shit of all time. Like, I could have just watched C-SPAN and been more entertained. So yeah, this week is the finale of Real Housewives of New York City, and it’s off to a pretty slow start. These betches are back from their shit show boozefest to Mexico, and the episode begins with Bethenny taking a visit to Carole’s million-degree cat lair to complain about renovating her enormous Soho apartment and reflect on their recent vacation. The trip actually went really well, which is pretty much unprecedented in Housewives history.
Bethenny: Had we all taken acid, it couldn’t have been any better.
Side note: Why is Carole is still holding onto the lie that she caught a fish, as if they’re not all going to see the episode? I think she might genuinely believe that hiring someone to catch a fish for you and then posing for a photo with it in a bikini counts as fishing.
Next, we see Tom and Luann playing tennis which is obviously kind of sad because they just announced their divorce a week ago.
Luann: Tom and I have actually known each other all of a year and half, so we’re still in our honeymoon phase.
They basically got divorced during the honeymoon phase. Like, did they even go through the husband-sleeping-on-the-couch phase? I mean, I don’t know anything about marriage, but I’m pretty sure there’s generally a step between the honeymoon and the divorce, but whatever.
Sonja is finally redecorating her townhouse and her boyf Frenchie, aka Edgar, is back in the city to hang. Tinsley has moved out of Sonja’s, so Ramona’s trying to slide on into
her DMs the spare room, because everyone who lives there ends up in a relationship immediately. Although, neither Luann’s five-minute-long marriage nor Tinsley’s never-ending first date sound particularly appealing to me, so I’m not really sure why she wants to do that.
Bethenny is hanging out with her new boy in her enormous apartment and Dorinda shows up, fresh from a street meat meal. I knew she was my girl.
Bethenny’s dude has a tooth missing because he’s a hockey player. He also has a really great butt. I get that Bethenny is trying to truly date for the first time, but homegirl should have dated in college and learned at age 20 that hockey boys are no good, like the rest of us.
Bethenny’s showing Dorinda and the hockey guy her plans to renovate her insane apartmansion, and her closet is basically going to be bigger than your entire apartment and the one next to it.
Tinsley is sitting in her new home (at a hotel… baby steps), planning a shady party as a backhanded thank you to Sonja. She keeps calling it the “Thank You, Fuck You, Sonja” party. Carole shows up to visit Tins and brings an unwrapped, regifted housewarming present, because apparently that’s what you get when you move into a hotel with room service instead of an actual home.
Dorinda’s having dinner with her boyfriend, John, and she’s like sooo pumped that her daughter, Hannah, has moved out. John basically buys her a wedding gown to celebrate because he has zero effing chill. But like, don’t worry. We’re not in for another RHONY wedding anytime soon, according to Dorinda.
Dorinda: If I ever get married to John, it’s going to be at a town hall and we’ll end up at an Armenian diner after.
Okay that is literally the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
Next, Carole and her (recently moved out) boyfriend walk one of her three million animals.
Carole: There are some women I know who blossom in relationships, but that’s not me.
LOL, retweet girl. Carole is maybe the least affectionate, IDGAF kind of betch on the show and I have a lot of respect for that.
Finally, it’s time for Tinsley’s tacky party. I know that every single recap, I bash Tins for this kind of shit, but this thing is basically a Gossip Girl Pinterest soirée. I mean, everything’s pink (but like, 2009 pink, not millennial pink), the cake has the New York skyline on it and there are male model servers wearing tiny tees that say xoxo, Tinsley. Vom. She’s gotta be stopped.
Apparently, Sonja might not come because she heard it was a “Thank you, fuck you, Sonja” party and Tinsley’s like, shocked that Sonja isn’t down for it and starts claiming that it was a joke. I mean, the girl has literally established herself as an off-brand Blair Waldorf. Why is she surprised that anyone thought this party was going to be less than mean? Anyway, I doubt Sonja will actually stay home because we all know she loves being the center of attention, even if it’s negative.
Sonja shows up obv, because she’d never miss a chance to point at a bunch of random dudes in a crowd and be like “he’s my former lover.” The party just really blows. Everything’s pink and according to Sonja, the signature drink doesn’t even taste good.
Ramona spills her heart out about how she’s afraid she’s going to be alone forever and Bethenny actually is totally compassionate about it. This is the most boring finale ever. Where’s the shade? She doesn’t even look annoyed that Ramona’s speaking to her. I’m bored.
Obviously Tom’s ex is there. Well, like five of them are, and there wasn’t even any drama with that either! What is this shit?!
Tinsley makes a toast to Sonja and thanks her for letting her stay. And they just like make up. What the fuck.
The episode literally just ends argument-free with little updates on what the Housewives are doing now, as if we don’t all have social media and access to that information already. Basically, in a nutshell, everyone’s lives are boring and Luann’s getting a divorce. Hopefully they’re saving the goods for the reunion.