This episode of Real Housewives of New York City starts off with the RHONYs talking about Bethenny and Ramona’s frenemy-ship, which is pretty much exactly where the last few have started. (And ended. And middled. It’s literally all they talk about.) All of the women are talking about it, as if it’s surprising that nut job Ramona and Bethenny Waldorf, I mean Frankel, aren’t perfectly compatible BFFs. Apparently the only person who is looking at this situation reasonably is Ramona’s 21-year-old daughter, Avery, who’s like “yeah, duh mom, you have crazy eyes.” Which is a total shock to Ramona. Good god, we’re not even at the first commercial break. Someone get me a drink.
Anyway, Bethenny has more important shit to worry about than Ramona, as she’s moving into a new apartment in SoHo. It’s 2,000 square feet larger than her last apartment. As fucking if.
Ramona and Tinsley go out together, which is when we learn that Ramona’s drink order is more complicated and annoying than a 13-year-old girl’s at Starbucks when she’s getting her first frappuccino with her mall rat friends. It literally takes her like five mins of screen time to rattle off her drink order. What a hardo.
Sonja joins Ramona and Tins because she thinks it’s funny that the two don’t have their shit together. Moment of silence for Sonja’s sanity, as she’s clearly lost it if she thinks she’s higher up on the shit-together scale than these two. Watching these three go out together is like watching a YouTube video with a bunch of goats jumping over each other. If you’ve never watched some goat vids, I’d highly advise it. It’s more entertaining than this episode, anyway.
Tinsley is on the prowl for a man because she’s recently divorced/arrested and has decided that now is a good time to settle down and have children. Yes, you read that correctly. Ramona gives Tinsley some tips for making eye contact and body language, which seemed like they could potentially be useful in a situation in which you’re trying to hypnotize someone.
Tinsley then picks up a guy named Chad, who is 23 years old. Sonja tries to convince Tinsley that a 23-year-old is PROB not the best choice for someone looking to settle, but Tins ends up making out with him before we’ve even finished trying to calculate how old she was when he was born. Honestly, I’m with Sonja on this one. My friends tell me to stay away from 23-year-olds, too… and I’m LITERALLY 23 YEARS OLD.
In a totally not even kind of shocking twist of events, Sonja tries to swoop in on Chad because to be Sonja’s lover you gotta get with her friends and to be Sonja’s friend you gotta get with her lovers. The RHONY social circle has basically turned into a cesspool. The funniest part of this whole thing is that Ramona’s totally disgusted, as if she doesn’t always try to steal everyone’s guys all the time, too.
Next, Bethenny launches a charity to empower women, which is a solid five minutes of screen time I’m not going to talk shit about because like, good for her. However, I do want to point out that the way that B talks about her new boyf, Dennis, is kind of a red flag.
Bethenny: I’ve known Dennis for 20 years and I never considered him attractive. He’s just always been… Dennis.
Then, Carole and her boyfriend Adam go rock climbing with some friends. Let’s take a moment to remind ourselves that Carole’s like, not that into Adam. In addition to the age difference and the fact that she doesn’t really want to live with him, they don’t seem to have a ton of mutual interests.
Carole: He is very athletic and he likes to go to the gym and likes to run and likes to rock climb and those aren’t necessarily things that I care one bit about.
Me when reading that above list of hobbies:
I can’t judge Carole because I don’t give a shit about any of that stuff, either. All we really learn from this scene is that Adam’s actually not moving out and Carole sucks at rock climbing, which are two facts I probably could have easily guessed.
Tinsley keeps talking about how she’s looking for a husband while she’s on a bowling date with Chad, who is 20-fucking-3. Chad got asked for ID and Tinsley didn’t, which feels backwards because Tinsley’s not allowed bring guys home, which sounds like some underage business to me.
Ramona goes out with some new friends, which she basically just picked up so she could talk shit about her
cast mates old friends. She also like, blabs about being single, which is all anyone does on this show, unless they’re complaining about how bored they are by a significant other. Hmmm. Ramona does make a solid point that she isn’t like, THAT miserable, because she still gets to go out all of the time
Ramona: I’m in new York City. If I was in Wichita, Kansas, I’d probably be very depressed.
Ramona is hanging out with a chick named Missy who—total coincidence that these two are hanging out, guys—walked in on Tom and Luann together in a bar while she thought she was dating Tom. Shoutout to the producers for finding this woman and forcing Ramona to be friends with her for this episode.
Luann’s wedding to Tom is coming up, in case your television has been on mute for two seasons. Luann is doing makeup trials with her daughter Victoria, who is complaining that she doesn’t look good with makeup. Must be fucking nice. Look at her eyebrows. They’re literally perfect. Ugh, get her off my screen.
Dorinda is doing a charitable holiday party, where she’s going to force everyone to buy stuff they don’t really want. One of the raffle prizes is a weekend in the Berkshires with Dorinda, and if it’s not filmed to save this boring-ass season, I’m so out. Obv, all the girls have to show up and Tinsley’s a little insecure that everyone might not be totally obsessed with her.
Tinsley: Bethenny is appearing to me to be someone who is very hot and cold. One minute, she’s very chatty and the next minute, I barely get a hello.
Well, yeah. That’s why Bethenny is the betchiest housewife. God, Tins, figure it out. You can only be the new girl for a few episodes. Like, I finally have figured out your name without having to wait for it to show up on screen while you speak, which means it’s definitely time for you to know what’s going on around here.
Bethenny also does a pretty dope Ramona impression that I hope becomes its own spin-off. It’s literally so good.
Bethenny then meets Tom, which is obviously very awkward because of all the drama that went down with Bethenny telling Luann that Tom cheated on her last season. Of course, the awkwardness goes over Luann’s head and she’s like “oh yeah Tom handled it like a total gentleman.” I wish I was as blind to awkwardness as Luann is. Life must be sweet.
I still haven’t decided if I like Tins and this scene has confirmed that I do not. She’s definitely that annoying, clingy friend. She’s constantly whining that the other women aren’t giving her attention.
Next, Sonja’s talking about how she’s going to go talk to this foreign dude she’s known for a while and Ramona swoops in to try to make moves on said foreign dude. Let’s rewind to 10 minutes ago when Ramona was acting like Sonja swooping in on Chad was unspeakable. But of course, Ramona has a good reason as to why she can slide in and creep this foreign dude out.
Ramona: I’ve known him for two years!!
OF COURSE YOU HAVE, RAMONA.
Anyway, I’m not even going to waste time ranting about Ramona and Sonja knowing/banging all the same guys literally every episode because it’s like asking why the sky is blue. It’s just a thing. There’s probably some scientific reason but nobody has time for that.
Bethenny then hits us with the quote of the season, which should shut everyone up about Luann’s wedding.
Bethenny: Whether or not Tom banged the entire kick line of the Rockettes is irrelevant now, because homegirl’s going down the aisle.
Retweet, B. Retweet.
I think we have funny Bethenny back at this point, because she wants to flirt with guys and force them to spend money on charity like Robin Hood.
Finally, shit pops off when Carole asks Luann’s friend Barbara if she’s excited for the wedding.
Barbara: Honestly, I think she has something to prove. She’d rather go through with it and get divorced than call it off.
And apparently Tom still hangs at the Regency and hooks up with women. A man in New York? Who’s a douchebag? Groundbreaking.
Carole says Luann “could be making the biggest mistake of her life,” and that’s essentially where the episode ends, but not before Carole comes up with an amazing nickname for Luann: The Great Pretender. I’m stealing that for the next fuckboy who lies about his dick size.
I would just like to end with these parting thoughts: Kudos, Luann. You obviously value ratings over your personal wellbeing, and for that I am thankful.