Apparently this week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was rudely interrupted by a cable show run by a couple of middle school girls who have nothing better to do than bitch about the fact that nobody showed up to their friend’s birthday party. Or at least, that’s what it sounded like for the first five minutes if you were still settling into your favorite spot on the couch/cracking open a fresh
box bottle of wine and not fully paying attention.
You’d think that I, a 25-year-old who excels in talking shit and being petty, would be less mature than a bunch of successful wealthy New York business women, but you would be wrong as a Donald Trump-led fact check—lol JK that was an oxymoron—because we’re still somehow talking about Bethenny not going to Ramona’s 100th bday or whatever it was. I mean, who fucking cares? Don’t y’all have like, kids and menopause or some shit to worry about? There’s pretty much nothing more embarrassing than complaining about the fact that one person didn’t show up to your birthday party for longer than like, two minutes. Five minutes if you were potentially going to hook up with that person. I don’t make the rules.
But it’s all good because we’re moving on. What do we I have next? I dinner party brawl? A drunken trip to Mexico? A cheating househusband? No, we get… Dorinda and her fam visiting a cemetery to honor her late husband’s 5 year death anniversary? Dark. I guess I’ll toss this box of wine and trade it for the vodka.
Carole shows up, which tbh, is the only saving grace of this scene. Like… she really goes out of her way to mention that she’s into creepy shit multiple times. Okay.
Carole: I am weirdly obsessed with Richard.
…At least she knows it’s weird.
This is obviously all extremely sad and made me uncomfortable because I really don’t like when people display emotion, nor do I watch Bravo for feelings. But I did definitely feel for Hannah when she said that Richard was the kind of guy who would hand you a hundred dollar bill if you were headed to the bodega to get some gum. I really don’t like crying, but I’d probably be an emotional wreck if I lost that kind of hero, too.
I spent a lot of time this episode trying to decide if I hate Tinsley or if I am totally obsessed with Tinsley. First of all, she hangs out with a chick named Anisha who drives her dog around Manhattan in a remote control G-Wagon. I’m still not sure if this is the best thing I’ve seen since I heard about that sorority girl who got a DUI and drove a Barbie Jeep around her campus, or if it’s just like, a blatant cry for help.
This Anisha girl is also wearing what appeared to be salt-stained suede slouchy boots, so I’m going to go with blatant cry for help, but I could still be swayed either way.
The other Tinsley red flag is the fact that she’s Sonja’s scapegoat, which is definitely not betchy. Betches always have a friend that they blame their problems on (and if mine is reading this, I’ll text you back later, but my phone’s dead and it’s probably your fault from that time you borrowed my charger because now I don’t think it’s charging fully. IDK.). A betch should never be that friend.
Sonja: She’s a little clueless.
Sonja, two seconds later: *Sips a cocktail Tinsley made for her* Oh my god, I forgot you put vodka in this.
I mean you really can’t trust anyone’s judgment these days, can you?
Tinsley’s currently getting stuck with the blame for Sonja’s dirty ice, but that’s honestly just probably got something to do with the fact that she lives in a townhouse that hasn’t been redecorated since everyone still liked OJ Simpson. Too soon?
Luann is trying on her wedding dress and keeps talking about how happy she is that this is her dream come true. I’m sorry, is your dream to have a short mute bald dude cheat on you and everyone find about it and you look like a fucking moron for marrying him anyway? Dream big. Honestly, she’s spent every episode since becoming involved with Tom sounding like she’s trying to convince herself that she’s into this whole thing, and it’s kind of sad.
Dorinda, who is a bridesmaid, is like “LOL this is an awful idea, but I’m gunna keep my mouth shut,” which is really
responsible fucking lame of her. Like, where’s the drama? Where’s the pizzazz? Call me when you decide to stop being a decent person.
Bethenny and Carole hang out in Carole’s cat lady lair, which she’s kicking her boyfriend Adam out of because she’s a cat lady. (Side note, the designated cat lady on this show WOULD be named Carole.) Bethenny promises Carole that her apartment doesn’t smell like cats, but she’s definitely lying because I can smell the cats through my fucking television screen. Am I like, secretly in a Febreze commercial rn? Have we all gone nose blind?
Anyway, Carole’s couch is ripped up from these insane cats and again, Bethenny’s like “Nah it looks like it’s supposed to be that way.” Uhh…
Bethenny: OMG cute, so vintage!
Inner Bethenny: That is the ugliest effing couch I’ve ever seen.
Where’s the old B? Why isn’t she telling Carole how nasty that is? Ugh. We also then get a home video of Carole’s cats, because…? I don’t actually know why Bravo thought we’d ever want iPhone footage of cats. I don’t even have a joke for this; I’m just confused.
Then, Ramona gets some screen time, which is something I wait for but also dread in literally every RHONY episode. She’s been looking pretty good recently, despite the fact that she’s 60—everybody take a drink beause Ramona reminded us that she’s 60.
Ramona (to her dog): I had a birthday! I had a party!
Like, yes, we know. You’re probably going to turn it into next season’s tagline, considering you won’t shut up about it.
However, her age is totally showing in this scene because she’s wearing patent leather ballet flats with workout clothes, which is only something you’d do if you were totally senile. Ramona’s place is a mess, too, which is just like shocking to me. You people are on TV and my mom doesn’t even let me take a damn Snapchat in her house if the couch cushions aren’t fluffed. Like, what, you can’t afford a cleaning service?
All the housewives go out to dinner together because they’re paid to pretend to be friends and that’s what this whole franchise is about.
Dorinda: It would be nice if we could all just meet for drinks and get the girls back together.
Inner Dorinda: Kill me.
Obviously, it’s not going to be nice and they aren’t going to stay “back together,” because this is American reality television and that would be boring.
Ramona says that she’s not going to be confrontational with Bethenny, but that she’s definitely going to approach her for not going to her birthday party. Honestly, Ramona’s going to have to try really hard to approach someone without seeming confrontational, because she literally has not blinked since 1975.
Ramona really hits the ground running by begging Luann to tell her why she isn’t invited to her wedding, adding that she bought a plane ticket to Palm Beach already. Aggressive move. Luann doesn’t want Ramona there for obvious reasons. Ramona is such a glimpse into Taylor Swift’s future, buying plane tickets to a wedding she’s not invited to between a guy she dated for five seconds and a woman she’s contractually bound to be friends with. Plus they both don’t blink. (No, I’m never going to stop bringing that up.) I don’t blame Luann for not inviting Ramona, because she’s probs trying to pull a Speak Now.
I also hope Ramona crashes this wedding because that would be entertaining AF. She then tells Luann that people are taking bets on whether or not she’ll actually get married and Luann gets understandably offended, even though that sounds pretty lucrative to me.
Then, as predicted, Ramona gets confrontational with Bethenny. I’m shocked. I genuinely think that she’s under the impression that if you’re being sarcastic and not legit screaming in someone’s face, you’re not confronting someone. She’s clearly confused. Bethenny dips out because she’s not down for Singer’s Stinger and then Ramona starts asking everyone to give her compliments because she’s batshit crazy. The end.