This episode of Real Housewives of New York City really caught me off guard because normally, I don’t pay attention to the first five minutes of the show. (And I literally get paid to watch it… I don’t know how the hell you guys do it willingly.) The producers love to leave all the good shit until the end and like, the beginning is usually just everyone having lunch with someone irrelevant. But this time, they packed the big Ramona and Bethenny Berkshires fight they’ve been leading up to for weeks into the first scene.
Ramona has like, way too much Pinot and basically personally victimizes Bethenny. B always talks about how she totally blacks out during fights and doesn’t remember what was said, and I feel like this one was so ridiculous that even I blacked out by association just by watching it. I even rewatched this little scuffle and still don’t even know who started it or who “won,” but because Ramona is a level five nutcase and Bethenny is the quintessential betch, I’m going to give the skinnyweight championship belt to her.
Ramona tells Bethenny that she’s only successful because she had sex in a waterbed and “fucked her way to the top.” She literally keeps bringing up the fact that Bethenny has had sex in a waterbed. Like, come on Singer. You’re rich enough that if you’re jealous that one of your friends had sex in a waterbed before you did, you can just buy your own waterbed and get TF over it.
Obviously, Bethenny just like, sits and takes all of Ramona’s shit for what it is…crazy ramblings from a drunk person.
Bethenny: Fuck my way to the top? I can barely fuck my way to the middle. Someone fuck me to ground level!
Anyway, Ramona tells everyone that Bethenny pretty much attacked her. Bethenny then grabs her trusty
cat lady sidekick, Carole, and heads back to SoHo.
The next morning, Dorinda says that she thought Sonja died and I’ve literally never seen Tinsley’s face light up brighter. So, that pretty much sums up how those roommates feel about one another. Tinsley was sick so she took a bunch of medicine. (This would be a great place for me to start a drug addiction rumor but I’m going to rise above it.) Good thing she’s on a reality show and people like me write recaps that she can check out later.
Ramona has a pretty bad case of the Sunday Scaries, which I have to sympathize with even though I’m not on her side of this rivalry.
Ramona: I don’t even remember what I said, but I know it was vicious.
^Me to every Uber driver who gives me less than a 5 star rating
Luann shows up wearing a “future Mrs.” rhinestone tank top as if she’s on a trashy bachelorette trip in Vegas or something. Okay.
Tinsley and Sonja are still arguing about their dumb roommate situation and I’m so bored with it. Tinsley feels uncomfortable living with Sonja. You can’t really blame her for that, but like, either move out or shut up. Anyway, Sonja hits her with the golden betch apology that I’m sure you’ve all had mastered since an early age.
Sonja: Okay, well I’m sorry you feel that way.
Side note—why is everyone always talking about how Tinsley was raised? Like, is she a toddler or 40-something? Just wondering.
Ramona basically trashed the room she stayed at in Dorinda’s and Dorinda is rightfully super pissed. I have no idea how the paint came off the walls just from a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Unless you’re a frat dude, you shouldn’t be wrecking shit when you drink.
Finally everyone heads back to civilization and Tinsley checks out a sick apartment in Carole’s building. Carole thinks Tins should move out of the Upper East Side to reinvent herself and that sounds like a super good idea to any reasonable human, besides Tinsley.
Tinsley: How am I going to get my blowout?
Then, we get more shit about Tom and Luann’s wedding. I’m basically snoring at this point. I’m so over hearing about it. BTW, Jill’s back, and for those of you who are new, she’s a master schemer on the Upper East Side who held an anti-bullying event and bullied someone there…aka she is Blair Waldorf.
Obviously, the conversation goes to whether or not Tom is a shady douchebag. Honestly, the White House should hire Tom because he is super good at giving shitty coverups to shady situations without flinching. Of course he’s just like “I have a lot of single female friends.” I bet you do, Tom.
Everyone goes to an art show and all of the paintings are of Carole’s boobs. I def just thought she was a crazy cat lady so that’s actually kind of cool of her.
Dorinda mentions the fact that Ramona trashed the room and Ramona’s like, “Ummm, so anyway, me and Bethenny…”
Dorinda: If I was really a bitch, I would sue her.
I wish she would.
Everyone’s still trying to figure out what happened between Bethenny and Ramona because they all conveniently missed the showdown.
Bethenny: I’ve never seen such a jealous woman as I did that night.
*pans to Ramona*
Ramona: Bethenny looks like Cruella. Cruel-la!!
I’m sure it’s probably going to unfold and explode in the coming episodes because the preview for the rest of the season looked actually unreal.