Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Been There, Talked Shit About That

Last night's episode of RHOBH was once again boring as fuck. It was like Bravo compiled a rehash of all the shit we've already seen this season. Lisa tried to fake moderate a fake fight that already happened, Carlton once again tried to shock us by giving her mother in law a lap dance, and Kim lusted longed after her best friend who was off recovering in kanine rehab to learn how to resist the urge to kill her in her sleep. 


I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and everything bad about me is fake and everything bad about Brandi is real.

“In Beverly Hills, being a size four makes me a plus sized model.” – When did you become a model? 


Don't tell me you're my friend, write it in a shitty, generic Hallmark card.

Yolanda's daughter – “Well it's just David mom, so like have you seen him before?” 

Just what every daughter wants to hear from their mom; “Yeah do you remember when I met him he was the best thing that ever happened to this family. Obviously not like, YOU being born or anything ::laughs hysterially::

David's love letter to Yolanda could not posibly be any more generic. Like it could totally be recycled from a letter to his last wife:  “You are my wife and I like being with you and yeah, you're hot.” 

I can't wait for the inevitable Yolanda/David bitter divorce where the “for your eyes only” book gets turned out page for page on TMZ.


Everybody loves a comeback story so I think I'll just watch this video of my dog in rehab until he actually comes back.

If I were Kingsley, what would I be thinking while I was away? “I want my mom I want my mom I want my mom Thank God someone has taken me away from that pill popping psychopath.” 

I like how Kim's son has to keep reminding her that he's happier BECAUSE HE'S A DOG. I don't like how she's sitting on his lap. “He's not a baby, he's a dog.”

I can totally see Kim in her room masturbating to Chad's video on the update on her dog. 


Life is a sexy little dance and I like like to throw dinner parties at my restaurants to promote them. 

I like how the camera pans more to Jax and the other restaurant bitches laughing at Lisa's friends at this dinner party more than it actually pans to like, Lisa and Ken. 


In my world money doesn't talk it ilterally just has sex. All the Time.

Is Carlton's whole plot her shopping for demonic sex toys?

On her mother in law after she holds up a 'sexy bitch' shirt, “she's pulled babies out of my vagina so yeah” 

The stage is definitely going to be long enough that if I have a “friend” she can dance too.” Alright Carlton you're a sexual person WE GET IT. Can you mention a different topic for like 2 seconds like idk, maybe job/non-witchcraft hobbies/KIDS!? 


You can never be too young too thin or too into your ethnicity.

Although I do think Brandi is an uber bitch, Joyce's tendency towards excessive smiling and popping into sporadic fits of Spanish is mildly irritating. 

I love the Brandi/Yolanda fights because they're both like borderline special needs. “What planet are you on!?” “Earth!” “Well I wish we were on DIFFERENT planets!” 


In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall. Man, I need to stop drinking. 

“It has to be about Joyce all the time. I never did pageants becuase you know I'm not that shallow…besides my former career as a model. But everything has to be about Joyce.” NOPE

I am not racist! My ex-boyfriend was black! I married a Cuban so shut the fuck up!


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