Last night's reunion episode wrapped up what was a riveting season of fighting over things of national importance such as whether Lisa put magazines in a suitcase or was in Missouri during Kim's daughter's graduation. The husbands joined us last night and there was a lot of talk of past reunions and seasons, because that is how time is measured in Beverly Hills. All I know is that it's been four seasons and I still don't really know who Bobby Fisher is.
7. Carlton (last week: 6)
I think Carlton's crystals failed her when it came to winning this ranking.
6. Joyce (last week: 5)
What an annoying bitch. She should've sat back and just kept her mouth shut, which is mostly what Carlton did (who would've probably beaten Joyce if she didn't sound like such a whack bitch every time she did choose to speak). I almost hope Joyce comes back next season so we get a chance to replace calling her Jacqueline with Yolanda's new affectionate nickname 'This One In The Back'. It goes great with the last name Giraud de Ohoven.
It's ironic how Joyce and her husband had a rabbi and a pastor come to bless their house even though Joyce claimed that “spells only work if you believe in them.” I mean, people who “dont believe” call in the clergy all the time to make sure they're okay.
5. Brandi (last week: 3)
Brandi finished the season in a low spot due to her little crying jag as if she's some little wounded bird and yes, this is the definition of playing the victim. She started shit with Lisa, realized she was in over her head, and then when she realized she lost she backed down and got all upset at Lisa for “pulling away.” She also confirmed what we've been saying all along, that she has bigggg lesssssbiannnnn crush on Lisa. I love you and I feel like you cheated on me!! Cry me a fucking river Brandi, and then use it to put out the fire that you're going to hypothetically die in because Lisa chose to save Scheana. It's like we have Sammi Sweetheart over here. ARE. YOU. FRIENDS. WITH HER.
“Let's ask Kim Kardashian how damaging a sex tape is.”
“I understand that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and uh, too many cooks spoil the broth.”
4. Kim (last week: 4)
What is Kim drinking?! Grape juice?
It says a lot about the state of this show that Kim was able to finish 4th in this ranking even though her main plotline was a love of turtles.
3. Lisa (last week: 7)
Lisa redeemed herself from last week by FINALLY apologizing to Kyle, being a really good rationalizer, bringing up things people said three years ago, while pretending to not remember half the things she said this year. It's early Alzheimers, dahhling!
“I didn’t have an hour long conversation with you every morning Brandi, I have a job.”
“I can't stand Kristen.” Same.
Ken: Rosia is the most privileged housekeeper in the world. She gets to clean up my dog’s shit.
2. Yolanda (last week: 2)
She was such a bitch to Joyce but in such a funny way because when Joyce accuses her of trying to “play director,” Andy jumps in and says she's actually like, really good at being director. One major flaw in Yolanda's logic is that she claims to remember everything that happened, but then she says she can't help misspeaking due to her Lyme Brain. On the other hand, she kept telling Carlton to shut the fuck up so we can hear Kyle and Lisa fight, which counts for major points in this ranking.
PS. I was a little surprised Yolanda didn't bring Gigi out for the husband portion of the night.
1. Kyle (last week: 1)
Kyle unexpectedly wins the season, coming back from not being part of the Dream Team in the beginning and also possibly being cheated on. She actually seemed way smarter than ever last night and made a lot of sense. She was like truth bomb central last night. “Lisa’s only friends with you if you’re popular.” “You did me wrong. No one did you wrong.” “Can't you just say ONE thing you did wrong? Just ONE THING!?” “You were only friends with Carlton because you had nobody when you came back from Puerto Rico!”
Aside from her triumph of not losing her fight with Lisa, Kyle clearly hates Carlton with the fiery passion needed to conduct a dark magic spell and this was where she won last night. It was also the first time she didn't cry EVER. Here were some of my favorite quotes Kyle said to/about Carlton:
“I don't care about you! Be quiet!”
“Nobody cares about you! Even Lisa doesn't care about you!”
“Everything you say is just like a squawking dumb noise machine.”
“I don't care about you witchy fucking poo!”