There were two types of people on Thursday night: the ones who were getting blackout in costumes for Halloweekend, and everyone who stayed in with their cats to watch Taylor Swift’s “…Ready For It?” video drop. If you’re on this site I’m assuming you were part of the former camp, so I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a scene-by-scene breakdown of the “…Ready For It?” video so you can save the 3 minutes and 30 seconds of your life. You are so welcome.
Lights up. The atmosphere is grungy and intense. We’re in like, a warehouse or something, and some graffiti artist Joseph Kahn found hanging out on Canal Street has spray-painted TAYLOR SWIFT on the wall in huge red letters. We’re in for a treat.
Our first glimpse of Taylor is in closeup, where that she has some cyborg shit happening in her eyes and, more interestingly, she’s wearing an absolute fuckton of mascara on her bottom lashes. Stay tuned for like, 15 minutes from now when every pseudo-positive women’s website is calling it the new #look. Okay, now we’ve backed up a little bit and she’s wearing a black cloak like some sort of emo Little Red Riding Hood. Ugh, she took our Halloween costume idea!
The next 30 seconds are basically just her doing her best model walk down some gross hallway with a bunch of robots looking at her. What the fuck is happening here? Okay, she put in some secret numbers on a keypad, and now we’re in…another room that looks exactly the same. Except this one has naked cyborg Taylor in a glass box, and the two Taylors come face-to-face. MIND = BLOWN!!! No really, we have no idea what is supposed to be happening, and now there’s a tentacle crawling across Taylor’s face. Straight out of every one of my recent nightmares.
Okay, now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is transforming into some sort of dominatrix outfit, but we’re more concerned with the fact that someone let her leave the house with soaking wet hair. Like, girl, we know you can afford a blowdryer! You’ll catch a cold!
Okay now naked cyborg Taylor’s skin is a milky white color (aka my skin tone in one month’s time), and she’s sitting on a horse. This is probably some reference to “Wildest Dreams” or some shit, but I don’t even want to go there because I’m sure Buzzfeed is all over it rn. After the horse grows some armor and then disappears, naked cyborg Taylor looks at this blue orb thing and then it starts to make her float. Kind of reminiscent of when I finally get a text back after triple-texting, but IDK maybe that’s just me.
The little blue sparks floating around her look like giant sperm. There, we said it.
Naked cyborg Taylor can also create lightning bolts! Someone should really let her know that all the Marvel movies have already been cast, because this feels like an audition tape that no one asked for. Also, naked cyborg Taylor is wearing heels despite being LITERALLY naked, because women just have to do it all.
Okay, the glass shatters and original Taylor like, disintegrates into dust or something, which we’re pretty happy about, she was getting annoying. But unfortunately, this allows naked cyborg Taylor to reach her full potential, aka she spends the last few seconds of the video just sort of walking around and looking smug. Sounds like the old Taylor we know and love (to hate).
^This is the new Kermit/Inner Kermit meme, I’m calling it now.
Well, it’s only 10am, but I’m strongly considering drinking right now. Thanks Taylor, you make me a better person!
Images: Taylor Swift / Youtube (5)