One of my favorite things about the Kardashians is that they are fully aware of the sh*t people talk about them and will often respond to the criticism they receive with a fun clap-back. I don’t even read the comments on my own articles because I’m that afraid of criticism, so I admire that a family who is so constantly picked apart doesn’t just do what I do and put their hands over their ears and scream “LALALALALA” anytime someone talks about them. I mean, they have enough money that they could certainly hire people to ensure they live in a criticism-free bubble
much like my last boyfriend. Anyway, I say all this because after posting an ad for Skims, her shapewear company, in which she was standing in front of a sparsely populated fridge, Kim Kardashian got clowned for not stocking her fridge. So, instead of just letting it go, Kim decided to take all her fans on a virtual tour of her kitchens—yes, plural kitchens, while I’m just trying to find an apartment with a dishwasher—on her Instagram story. After watching the entire thing, I have some questions.
Here was the empty fridge that got Kim clowned:
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As you can see, there are a number of different types of milk and what might be lemonade in one of those party dispenser type things. This perfectly resembles my office fridge. The adjacent fridge has a few different types of water. Which caused fans to wonder: how the hell is anyone eating in this family?! This seemed to confirm our suspicions, that the Kardashians are robots who were placed in Calabasas for the sole purpose of destroying the self-esteem of women across the globe. Either that, or they are so rich that they’ve never struggled with the “we got food in the house” dilemma since they can perpetually afford to eat at restaurants.
But not to worry, Kim assured us that she and her family do, in fact, keep food in the house. Behold, her multiple kitchens, in all their glory:
— Ana Calderone (@anacalderone) January 9, 2020
Like I said, I have a couple of concerns I would like to bring up. I’m hoping that, with all your help, this will get enough attention that Kim will be forced to make a subsequent followup video to address each of my points.
What Is Not-Fresh Water?
At around the 0:37 mark, Kim brings us to her drink fridge, where, among other things, she keeps her “fresh water”. And I’ve got to ask: this isn’t in Flint, Michigan, so what is the alternative? Stale water? Saltwater? I think we could have all deduced that Kim Kardashian does not keep a container of saltwater in her fridge. Maybe it’s to refer to the fact that the water is fresh, in liquid form, as opposed to solid form? Bragging about “fresh water” has got to be the weirdest flex I’ve heard in a while.
Who Is Drinking All That Milk?
Merely a moment before we learn about the fresh water (there’s a lot to take in), Kim informs us that each of her kids drinks a different kind of milk. Hey, I guess you gotta start developing a personality early. My concern, which will be a recurring motif throughout this analysis, is this: how are they drinking all that milk before it expires? I’m going to deduce that there are between 4-6 full-ass gallons of milk here. That is a lot of milk. Why so much? Are they drinking milk like water? (The thought of that is making me feel ill.) And rest assured, this isn’t even the half of it as far as the milk supply goes! More on this momentarily.
The Frozen Yogurt Machine?
That’s it. That’s the question.
What’s With All The Sprinkles?
I am both concerned about the myriad of sprinkles Kim Kardashian has on hand and alarmed at the fact that this appears to be her only frozen yogurt topping. Sprinkles are simply congealed colored sugar! How many different varieties could you possibly need on one cup of frozen yogurt? And really, that’s it? No Reese’s cups? No chocolate chips? No Maraschino cherries? That’s got to be the saddest froyo ever. You do not deserve a personal frozen yogurt machine.
How Are They Eating This Much Produce?
As if multiple normal-people refrigerators weren’t enough, Kim Kardashian literally has a restaurant-grade walk-in refrigerator to store all her family’s organic produce. Most adults are not even able to finish one bag of spinach before it becomes all soupy at the bottom. I know her family is the size of a small militia, but still! Really, what I want to know is how much rotten fruit they are throwing away.
Why Is There MORE Oat & Almond Milk
I’m beside myself. Why is there EVEN MORE MILK?? Did Kim simply forget about her other fridge that had no less than four gallons of the stuff? It would be understandable; I can barely keep track of my wallet at any given point in time, so it must be difficult to keep track of… so far I’ve counted four… refrigerators. This feels like one of those “how many triangles do you see in the picture” type puzzles, but I’m conservatively counting eight full gallons of various milks in this one refrigerator (she also has milk in a separate refrigerator, which I will get to later on). So I’ve gotta know: WHO needs this much milk? How much oat milk can one toddler reasonably drink in a day? And why do you need TWO different brands? What’s the difference between Happy Planet oat milk and Planet Oat? (Also, why do both brands have planet in the name? Is this some sort of conspiracy?) I’m also clocking coconut milk and two—count ’em, two—kinds of coffee creamer. I will be up all night tonight imagining all the various ways this one family is consuming milk.
Why Is This Her Dinner?
After all that—the multiple refrigerators, the pantry that’s bigger than my bedroom (which I didn’t even get into because it’s more of the same extravagance), the industrial-sized produce cooler—this is what Kim Kardashian’s dinner is? The one she’s not even cooking herself? My main culinary expertise is scrambled eggs and pasta, and even I could whip this up without so much as Googling a recipe. We’re talking an ice cream scooper’s worth of rice, some beans and sour cream and shredded cheese (that isn’t even melted!) tossed in a soft taco shell, some corn and green beans??
Images: skims, kimkardashian (7) / Instagram; anacalderone / Twitter