Put On Your Rosé-Colored Glasses: Weekly Horoscopes January 27-31

It might be the dead of winter, but Neptune and Venus in Pisces are putting us all in the mood for a little bit of summer love. This dreamy, sexy energy is great for breaking up your winter hibernation, but beware. Things that look too good to be true usually are, and for every intense open bar, there is an equally intense hangover to follow. Unless you stay hydrated (which you won’t).


Venus and Neptune are bringing some much needed compassion into your life. Are there some grudges you can finally let go of? Some passive aggressive notes you want to unsend? Empathy and forgiveness are the name of the game this week, so send those apology texts now. Even if you’re pretty sure you won’t be sorry a week from now.


Neptune and Venus have you wanting a new adventure with your squad, so don’t be shy about planning a hang or even *gasp* allowing for some spontaneous events. I know, I know, spontaneity isn’t typically your sign’s thing, but Venus and Neptune are bringing in just enough dreamy energy to make you interested in trying new things (for once). See what social options arise and take them. Who knows when you’ll actually want to leave the house again?


Your usually talkative self is even better at the art of conversation, and more importantly, persuasion, thanks to Neptune and Venus this week. So how will you use these newfound powers? Will you use them for good (aka finally asking your boss for that raise)? Or evil (convincing your bestie to come out on a Tuesday even though she has a huge meeting in the morning)? Basically, you can get anyone to do anything. Use your powers wisely.


The wanderlust continues this week, Cancer, and you’re literally dying to GTFO. Instead of perusing travel instas and signing up for cheap flight alerts, try to think of ways to bring the #vacationlife to you. Play off Neptune and Venus’ indulgent vibes by taking it easy this week. Let yourself snooze an extra five minutes. Stop checking emails after 5pm. By giving yourself a bit of a break, you can help satisfy the urge to be sipping mai tais on the beach. Sort of.


Venus and Neptune are upping your ability to fantasize this week, so yeah, beware of love at first sight. You’re able to plan out an entire life with basically anyone who is even mildly attractive this week. Hot guy reading on the train? Yeah, that’s your husband. Cute girl sipping coffee in the Starbucks window? Yeah…you’re gonna need her ring size ASAP. Stranger of indeterminate gender who you didn’t get a good look at but has a cute dog? Hope they have good credit, because you two are moving in. Now all you have to do is learn their name.


Neptune and Venus have your typically analytical sign throwing caution to the wind when it comes to matters of the heart. For once you don’t need a resume, CV, and five professional and personal references before talking to someone at a bar. Pisces’ passion is heating up your cold, dead heart, and for once you’re willing to give someone a try. Remember, the worst that could happen is you go on a bad date you can joke about in the group chat for years to come.


You’ve been running on fumes lately, Libra, and it shows. Have you let your fitness goals fall to the wayside? As convenient as they are, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are not actually a meal. Lighten up on your professional and social life and set aside some time to take care of this ol’ skin suit of yours. You only get one. (Unless you’re a Kardashian.)


You’re feeling flirty as f*ck this week, Scorpio. There’s going to be sexual tension basically everywhere you go, so no need to re-download the apps to capitalize on your need for romance. Don’t get ahead of yourself wondering if the person you’re flirting with is your soulmate, just enjoy the fun, flirty vibes. Not every successful relationship has to end in marriage.


You officially have permission to cancel all your plans this week, Sagittarius. Neptune and Venus are lighting up your house of domestic bliss, so it’s gonna be a sweatpants and Netflix week for you. FOMO? Never heard of her. This week it’s JOMO (joy of missing out) all the way.


Time to shake things up, Capricorn! I know you hate messing with the order of things, but this week Neptune and Venus are literally begging you to let your hair down. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone and do things a little different. And no, that doesn’t mean staying at the office an hour later than usual. You psycho.


Throw out your budget this week, Aquarius, because you’re not going to follow it. Sorry, but Neptune and Venus will not allow it. You’re overwhelmed with the urge to indulge in all things, so its basically a foregone conclusion that you’ll be doing some damage to your credit card. Speaking of credit cards, it might be good to hand yours over to a friend before heading out to the bar. It’s the only way to avoid going broke by happy hour.


Venus and Neptune are in your sign and you are living for it, honey! Your magnetic energy is attracting everyone’s attention, and with not one but two planets in your sign, everyone is down to do love the Pisces way. Thanks to you, Valentine’s Day has come early for all of the signs. Now if only they’d send a thank you…

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.