Another week, another useless episode of Pretty Little Liars. Obviously this recap is a little late and it’s partially because I ran out of wine and I actually cannot write this thing sober. I mean seriously, to all of you who genuinely enjoy this show—what the fuck is wrong with you? Y’all bitches need Jesus…. Or like, HBO.
Let’s begin now. *pours glass of wine*
KIDNAPPING IS A HABIT, GET LIKE ME
We open to Hanna and Mary Drake cruising down the street in their 64, as they awkwardly try to have a conversation. Hanna, as the kidnapped girl, and Mary Drake as the possible kidnapper. Awkwaaaaard.
Hanna is asking Mary Drake to go take her to her friends and MD is like “don’t you wanna go to the hospital? The doctor? Can I get you some condoms? Or snacks? God, I just love you so much.” Hanna is like, no take me to my friends, and MD does because she’s a cool kidnapper. Not a regular kidnapper.
Mary Drake is like “you’re friends with Ali?” and Hanna’s like wtf how did you know that? Knowing things isn’t exactly Hanna’s forte.
She said Ali never mentioned her mom had a twin sister, but like, since when do you sit around your friends and talk about aunts? Like, would that ever come up? You fuckers were so busy blinding people and fucking your teachers that there is no way you had time to review each other’s family tree.
MD is like “I’m the family secret”. Okay usually the family secret is the special ingredient used in grandma’s chili, not a fucking person.
MD is being super fucking weird and honestly Hanna I would roll your hefty ass out of the fucking car at this point.
Hanna gets back to her friends and they are like “Hanna go to the doctor” and she’s like LET ME LIVE YOU TWATS.
They fill Hanna in about MD and how Charlotte is her daughter. Hanna’s like, well if MD is A, why did she bring me here? She’s like, why wouldn’t she just fucking murder me? I’m like 27 years old, get me off this fucking show.
They tell Hanna about how they sold Ali out to Mary Drake and Hanna’s like I need a drink for this shit, and like, same.
Caleb gives Hanna back her engagement ring to the weird foreign guy Jordan. She’s like, oh goddammit I gotta deal with that shit again. Also, #tbt to Jordan.
Also #tbt, Liam texts Aria and is like “on my way! Got great news!” It’s about to go down.
A.D sends the flowers to the group and is like “yay we’re on the same team.” Honestly though, can’t even be mad. Did you see that incredible flower arrangement? A.D has great taste.
They go back to Lucas’ place that they are crashing in, #tbt to Lucas as well. Where did all these dudes go? Is this is the episode of boyfriends past, I mean seriously.
Hanna is being snappy AF and Caleb is following her around like a puppy, much to Spence’s dismay. They are like “Hanna’s being so aggressive” and I’m like could you like, chill for a sec? I mean, she did just get kidnapped.
Caleb’s like “you should take Lucas’ offer to run your own business”, which is like, so not the point right now, and she’s like DO YOU SEE HOW UNDERQUALIFIED I AM? Trust me Hanna, we all see it. You don’t need to tell me twice.
Hanna is like “where does this leave us?” Ah yes, the post-kidnapping DTR talk. Hanna is like “I felt safe around you and that’s why we made out.” Buuuuuut, then you got kidnapped like right after, so you clearly weren’t that safe.
And, of course, Spencer heard the whole thing. Could you guys like, have this talk literally anywhere else? And why are you both talking about cheating in like SCREAMING voices? This is why A has so much dirt on you, you fucking scream out all your damn secrets.
Emily is still worried about Ali and Spencer is like oh fucking chill out. But Emily’s not gonna chill ever, not even in a fire, because she has a big lesbian crush on Ali.
She’s like “we should tell Snaggle” and Spencer is like what the fuck is he gonna do? I’ll tell you what he’s not gonna do—write you a referral to a dentist.
Spencer asks Emily to watch Han because she looks fucking crazy. Well, being kidnapped will do that to ya. Not that I would know. I swear these girls get kidnapped like I get manicures—every two weeks between 5 and 7pm.
Emily is like “do you want to call Jordan?” and Han’s like I’d rather die (or be kidnapped again). So much easier to avoid people when you have the excuse of being in an underground cave and being tortured. Best excuse ever.
Caleb goes to comfort Spencer after getting the brush off from Han, and Spencer is obviously trying to bait him into admitting he still likes Hanna. It’s this very uncomfortable, oddly sexual game of cat and mouse.
Caleb compares Hanna to an aircraft carrier because she’s “got fire power and is hard to maneuver.” So, are you saying she’s fat?
CALEB: I don’t hate you because you’re fat. You’re fat because I hate you.
Emily gets a call from an unknown number and it’s Ali, calling from the hospital. How did Ali know her number by heart? I barely know my mom’s cell phone number. The only number’s I know by heart is 911 and my bikini waxer—in case of emergency.
Ali’s like HELP MEEEEEE and Emily’s like “can you hear me now? Good” and wondering what the fuck is going on. Someone is clearly trying to take the phone away from Ali and it’s all just a goddam mess. And like, ew, never call me. Ali you could have texted this.
Emily goes to visit the hospital and the nurse—who clearly has a tree up her ass—is like, ONLY FAMILY. And Emily’s like, wtf I am pining for her pussy, we fam yo.
Emily’s like “I’m going to write a letter! Dear Mr. Royal Hampton” and demands to see Snaggle about this. Snaggle says they are his instructions and put her in insolation. He’s like “ttyl dyke-bike” and bounces off to the breakroom to inevitably fuck an intern.
Lucas and Hanna go to lunch and he’s like soooo, bout that business. Hanna doesn’t want it.
HANNA: Not feeling it
LUCAS: LET ME LOVE YOU
This is def still throwing me off because it’s so obvious that Lucas is gay AF. Pride month, am I right?
Hanna’s like everyone thinks I’m something I’m not. Someone smart. And useful. Someone who doesn’t get kidnapped every 3 seconds. Someone with a brain that is just a smidge bigger than a squirrel’s. BUT I’M NOT OKAY?! I’M NOT JOSIE GROSSIE ANYMORE!!!!
He’s like we need to make a decision and she’s like I’m not good at that. Hanna is every girl ever deciding where to eat. Although, I’m sure she doesn’t have a problem making that decision….
Emily’s telling Spencer about Ali and is like we need to act now! Woah, slow down there, Captain Carpet Muncher. Spencer gets a text from “work” and ignores it. That’s right, they supposedly have jobs. LOL good one, Freeform.
Emily is like we could ask Mary Drake! She’s family! And Spencer is like, wtf she’s Uber A! What’s Uber A? Does she drive? I prefer Lyft A, just because the rates are cheaper.
SPENCER: That’s a crazy idea
EMILY: Yes, so crazy….so crazy it just might work!
SPENCER: no wtf
Aria dumps Liam and she’s like “it’s not you, it’s me and Ezra boning behind your back.” Liam’s like, super pissed and then reveals that he’s gonna be the book’s editor. LOL that book is gonna be a shit show. Can’t wait.
While Hanna is signing papers for Lucas she has a flashback from how she met Jordan. Oh goddammit I hate these stupid as flashbacks. Whatever.
She’s doing work at a bar and he’s sitting next to her. Why are you doing work at a bar, first of all? Like, I’ve been to New York, there are fucking Starbucks on every corner. Do bars even have Wifi? Maybe like, during happy hour?
She bitches Jordan out for putting his glass on her napkin that has an “important number” and he’s like I love you. Hanna it’s this nifty thing called a fucking notebook. Stop writing shit on napkins you ignorant slut.
She looks like a girl who likes to eat so he offers to buy her food. At first she says no, but they end up having dinner because Hefty Hanna can’t resist.
All that thinking about food, I mean, Jordan, makes Hanna suddenly miss him.
Emily, Aria and Spencer go to visit Snaggle about Ali and are like WE SHOULD SEE HER. And Snaggle is like can you guys back the fuck up please?
He’s like I’m her doctor and husband and Spencer’s like hmmm isn’t that a conflict of interest? Finally, making sense! Yes Spencer! Tell him!!!!!
And, that gets dropped quickly. The one moment of actual logic and they drop it real fucking fast.
They get a text from A.D or A or Uber A or idfk anymore, saying “she’s mine now!” and they are like, hmmm does that mean A is in the hospital with her? This logic is killing me.
ME: I think the witness has made it very clear she was in the shower/at the hospital with Ali.
Hanna shows up to Jordan’s work looking like some Jessica Rabbit shit and tries to get sexy time on. Jordan just can’t seem to forget that she’s been ditching him for weeks and Han’s like, ugh, he’s so sensitive! He’s like Rosewood makes you negative and mean. It’s like the geographical menopause.
She’s like, let’s go back to the bar and let me buy you a drink. And can we get food there too?
Emily just won’t let this Mary Drake getting in the hospital thing go. Spencer is like it’s not happening, stop trying to make MD happen!
SPENCER: Snaggle said it was prohibit-i-babdo. He said it in Spanish, how much clearer can he get? (name that movie)
Emily is like “Spencer, you know her super well! You both were labeled as psycho when you were teenagers and put into a mental facility/prison! Besties!!!” Spencer is like, ya thanks for reminding me, asshole.
Aria is explaining to Ezra the whole “Liam is the editor and is going to fuck us over” thing. Aria is like I should have waited to dump Liam until he told me about working on the book. Yeah you def should have, moron.
Ezra and Aria start to hold hands, and Ezra promises to make this whole thing work, but of course good old Liam only sees them holding hands. He’s like fuck it, time to burn this shit to the ground.
He starts editing the book with Ezra and is like “there is a problem here. The guy sounds like a sexual predator.” HAHAHA. Not gonna lie, I laughed. Score 1 for Liam. Liam basically says that Ezra is the fucking worst, even worse than Nick Sparks. *Plays Ellie Goulding’s “Burn”*
Ezra is like “uh they aren’t close in age.” Whatever you gotta tell yourself to get to sleep at night, Ezra. Liam is like “look Aria does want this” and Ezra is like “don’t you mean her character?” He’s doing that thing where you speak super hypothetically.
LIAM: Hypothetically speaking, I have a friend named Ari—Arianna!—anyways, Arianna doesn’t want to fuck her English teacher….
Mary Drake comes to visit Spencer at work and is like “I’m a little concerned about Hanna” and she feels bad for not taking her to the police. Spencer straight up grills her. Dude, this woman could literally murder you, why are you being sassy? Know your place.
Mary Drake is like I hate hospitals and the police and she’s like “I was in Radley for a long time.” Weird, because she def was at the police station last week when she “got robbed.” I imagine her ringtone is “Fuck Da Police” by NWA.
Spencer asks why she was in a mental facility, like willy nilly. MD’s like, hmmm I barely know you, but let me tell you my darkest secrets.
Ali’s mom, Jessica, called Mary and told her that the baby she was babysitting wouldn’t stop crying and like, make it stop babies are the worst. When Mary Drake got there, Jessica said she got the baby to sleep and then asked Mary to stay and watch while she went out. Fuckin Jessica.
When the family got home, MD explained what happened but then the mom started to scream and the baby turned out to be dead. Saw that one coming.
Jessica blamed Mary and everyone believed her, so MD’s parents locked her up. And you thought you hated your sister. Though if my sister steals another fucking blouse of mine, I’m gonna throw that bitch in lockup myself.
Ezra is explaining to Aria about how Liam was so not chill in their editor’s meeting and Aria’s like HE’S JUST PASSIONATE. Yeah, passionate about your vagina and the fact that he’s not hittin it anymore. Get real.
Ezra is like what does Liam really know about you and I? Because he implied that I was a rapist and I’m like, so offended.
Hanna and Jordan go to the bar where they first met and it’s torn down. Jordan’s like, let’s just go somewhere else and Hanna’s like NO THIS IS A SIGN.
HANNA: EVERYTHING I TOUCH GETS TORN DOWN!!!! I HAVE THE VERY UN-CHILL MIDAS TOUCH!!! DON’T YOU GET IT?
JORDAN AND EVERYONE WATCHING: Not really, no. You kinda lost me.
She gives Jordan his ring back, right next to the hotdog vendor that she fosho is going to hit up after this whole “ending an engagement” thing is over.
Emily is filling out a job application at Radley because she’s an unemployed, uneducated college dropout. Of course, MD wanders in, looking lost AF.
Emily goes up to her and introduces herself and offers to sit down and talk. Like, did anyone teach you about talking to strangers? And like, if someone I just met was like “let’s sit down and talk” I’d be like “I have mace in my purse”.
MD starts talking about how she got tenderness in Radley, she’s like 2 seconds away from being like “you gotta hold, squeeze her, never leave her, ya gotta try a little tenderness!” Also, Mary Drake is the queen of TMI. Like, I literally don’t care about your sob story.
Emily and MD bring up Ali and MD says she’ll bring Emily in to see her. Emily’s like, cool thanks, I’ll overlook that you kidnapped my friend.
Hanna starts signing away at Lucas’ paperwork, without a lawyer, and Lucas notices she doesn’t have a ring—partially because Hanna holds the paper like, right in front of her face. Couldn’t you put it down on the table that’s right in front of you and sign it?
Aria is like, Liam you said you would be cool! And he’s like sorry I can’t be chill around the dude that statutory raped you and then you cheated on me with him. Sorry that wasn’t fucking prefaced to me during our abrupt breakup.
He’s like “this book and everything made me realize what everything means!” and she’s like “pssssh yeah okay big shot, let’s see what it means”
He’s like, I think you were seduced by your English teacher in high school—boom! Crushed it. She’s like “I can’t explain this to you!” and he’s like yeah because it’s fuckin psycho.
She talks about this magical button that erased everything—kinda like the “easy button” at Staples, but for pathological liars and murderers.
She’s like “I could erase that button, but it would erase the girl she is today”—the lying, conniving, sleeping-with-her-ex-teacher person she is today. And you know what, she likes that person.
What’s with this show and buttons, dude? Last season Ali had a giant ass jar of them in her house. Like dolls and buttons—is this whole show a third grader’s tea party?
Back to Ali, with Emily now there. Wait, why is it nighttime? Why can’t people do things in the day time? Does this town have sunlight ever?
Ali said she was worried she was in Radley and starts crying to MD, like Mommy why did you leave me in the ground mommy? Ali has seen some shit, bro. She’s also like, one flew away from the cuckoo’s nest, if ya know what I’m sayin.
She starts to say that Snaggle is bad and Emily’s like, TELL ME MORE. And of course, at that moment Snaggle walks in, yells and bares his fangs as Ali cries and begs Emily not to leave.
Emily is like THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Snaggle ignores Emily and is like MD wtf are you doing here, this isn’t part of the plan!!!! The plan is to infiltrate the dealer, find the suppliers.
MD is like Yo, you’re torturing that girl! Not cool dude. Wait, weren’t you doing that last season? Like, suddenly you’re anti torture? You switch viewpoints more than Donald Trump.
Snaggle says how she has gotten the money—wait, what money?—and now she needs to back the fuck up. MD tries to tell him to knock it off and he’s like don’t test me woman. He’s got shitty teeth and his transvestite lover is dead—he’s got nothing to live for at this point.
Caleb comes to see Spencer drinking scotch, like my grandpa would, and turns out Spencer got fired because she wasn’t doing her job. She’s like how did this happen? Well, the funny thing about work is…. You like, gotta do it. I know, such a fucked-up system.
Spencer asks Caleb about Hanna and he’s like pounding drinks and sweating. And Spencer is like, did we make a mistake? He swears their love was real and she’s like “was”? Ruh-roh.
Emily see MD and Snaggle arguing more and texts the group saying like “shit is going down y’all” and it seems like they are finally putting the thoughts together that Snaggle might be a bad guy. FUCKING FINALLY. I would have thought that from day one. If one of my friends wanted to marry that bird-looking “before” picture, I would have disowned them.
A, or I’m assuming Snaggle, gives Ali more drugs and she dreams about going towards a white light. Oh shit. She’s now at Kings Cross station, talking to Dumbledore.
Next episode, Jennifer Love Hewitt will be there, resuming her role as the Ghost Whisperer and speaking to Ali.
JENNIFER: What’s that Ali?
*lamp flies to the other side of the room and breaks*
JENNIFER TO LIARS: Ah, yes. Ali said she fucking hates you all for letting her marry that creature.