Finally, this stupid fucking show is coming to an end. #Tbt to my junior year of high school when it came on and all the actresses hadn’t gone through menopause yet. Seriously, these bitches are pushing 40.
Either way, this season I swore I was going to stop watching because I’m an “adult”, but if I don’t fucking find out how A is after all this time, it will grow to be my biggest regret. And we all know you gotta live life with no ragrets, Scotty P, knowwhatI’msayin?
So to recap, Ali is preg with Snaggle’s spawn, Spencer got a cap busted in her ass, Hanna and Caleb are back together and Aria is engaged to Ezra, whose ex-girlfriend is like, so un-kidnapped. Also, Mary Drake just told Spencer that she’s her mom. Yeah I know, I’m shooketh as well.
POST-MURDER HOUSE VIBES
Spencer gets into the ambulance after being shot, bleeding and shit and the EMT is asking her questions. He’s like “who is your mom!?” like wtf is that bullshit question? What’s the next question—what’s your social security number? I mean damn dude, mind your business.
All the girls go to the hospital and are very not concerned about Spencer. But I mean, at this point they’ve all been shot so it’s like, whatever.
The liars are like, so wait, if we chopped Noel’s head off and he’s A, then A must be done right? Omg Karen, you can’t just ask someone if they’re dead!
THE LIARS: So, A must be dead!
Toby is there and they care more about him than Spencer. Seems fair. They’re like “where the fuck is Yvonne?” That little croissant with cheese.
A WEEK LATER
Toby talks to Aria about Yvonne and is like “it’s called a medically induced coma.” Oh that’s what they call it? Thanks for that remedial medical lesson, Toby. We’re on season 15 zillion of Grey’s now, the fucking world knows what that is.
Toby asks about Spencer and it’s like, don’t worry about her. She’s out spying on people even though the fucking stitches haven’t healed. Spencer, it’s hard to be sneaky when you’re damn near still bleeding out of your wound.
ME: Spencer should really take it easy .
Aria is getting ready to leave when Ezra comes home. Is she leaving for a few hours? I mean, she literally has a backpack. Bitch ain’t going too far. He tells her not to leave, because of course he does. Would’ve been hilarious though if he was like “k bye, don’t forget your backpack.”
Hanna and Caleb are back together and are too busy having sex to go track down their friend’s attacker. Caleb is like “stop worrying about your friends worry about yourself.” SUSPECT AS FUCK.
Paige and Emily are now faculty at Rosewood High. Good to see Stanford grad Paige back to her roots with Junior College losers like Ali and Emily.
Emily sees Ali and is like “WHY DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME BACK”
Ali: Why are you so obsessed with me?
Ali tells her she went to the doctor and was told she’s “having the baby of a stranger.” Don’t mean to be a stickler but technically he was your sister’s lover and your fake husband. Not totally fake.
Ali storms out after seeing Paige and her fugly bob hair cut. Damn when did Knocked Up have so many lesbians?
Aria asks Ezra about Nicole and he’s like “I tried to talk to her but she wasn’t ready.” Selfish-ass Aria is like “I understand.” Girl, she was abducted by a terrorist and you got taken by a blind girl in the burbs. Sit down though.
Ezra has a type—easily snatched.
Spencer calls Aria to let her know that they got a delivery from AD. YAS QUEEN.
ARIA: NO THIS CANNOT BE
They open up to the lamest board game ever called “end game.” Fuck, this is a huge box, imagine the shipping cost.
This game is intense. It has an attached cellphone, a full map of the city, and even includes a life-like playing piece of Emily in a track suit. Moment of silence for the mechanical engineering. A should really consider working for Mattel.
MY MOM WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW ONLY TO READ MY RECAPS: A really has a talent.
They are all like “well obviously Jenna didn’t build this—she’s blind! Get it? She’s BLIND.” Take one drink for every time they reference Jenna’s blindness and give me a call from the hospital after you get your stomach pumped. K thx.
Hanna tells Aria that she shouldn’t be worried about Ezra and Nicole. Obvi they will still get married, so like, Aria should keep planning a wedding. This should be good.
Meanwhile, Ali is acting like a jealous bitch and is mad that Paige has a job. Like what, Emily failed out of JC—shouldn’t you be more annoyed she got a job? Like Paige seems qualified.
Emily is like “are you okay?” and Ali is like “I’m broke, I’m pregnant and alone.” Fuck it’s like, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!! This whole rant would be sad but her mansion in the background is throwing me off.
Emily keeps trying to woo Ali into scissoring by “supporting” her.
Emily: The sexual tension is so thick we could probs cut it with a big dildo—wanna try?
Mona’s back because she’s the best character. Hanna is sketching fashion designs—a skill she acquired within the week since Spencer got shot, since I have never seen her sketch before.
Mona is like “I can make you famous, trust me!” Famous last words, though.
The detective/gardener on The O.C. is questioning Spencer and is like “hey, Ali’s husband is fake.” WOW breaking fucking news—that only happened like 6 episodes ago. Emily’s dumbass figured that out before you. The FAILING Rosewood PD can’t figure anything out! Sad!
Detective What’s His Face just fucking whips out the “evidence” gun from his desk drawer. Like, woah man. I’ve seen enough of the OJ Simpson Story to know this is not protocol, I tell you!
Basically the gun they recovered was not the one that shot Spencer, so yeah, there is another gun out there. Somewhere, Jenna is laughing in the darkness (the usual) being like “GOT YOU FUCKERS.”
Holden is back and he happens to run into Aria as she is wedding shopping. All my exes work at a fucking supermarket, how come hers gets to be a cool wedding planner? Fucking Rosewood.
Emily confronts her boss about Paige and Ali being on the same committee at school. Since when does the swim coach get a say on how anything works? Like shut up and teach flip turns.
The boss is like “are you bitches for real?” Paige said she’s chill with it and it’s like, we get it, you’re a lesbian. Also can Paige’s manly-ass shirt be any lower cut? I man forreal she’s like a button away from going to a Risky Business themed frat party.
Aria realizes that she never talked to Ezra about anything, like ever, about the wedding. Very normal. Holden is like “wow this must be so awkward for you.”
Mona manages to get a rando Senator’s daughter to wear Hanna’s clothes to an event. Apparently they stopped selling Ivanka everywhere, so she had to come to Rosewood. Very Unfair!
Spencer’s mom finally decides to come home from vacation a week after her daughter got shot. She would have flown home earlier, but they had reservations to go scuba diving that were non-refundable!
Spencer is offering wine to everyone because she’s uncomfortable. I am Spencer, actually.
Spencer confronts her mom about the shit Mary Drake said and Mrs. Hastings is like “I have never seen that will before! I have never seen my dead husband’s will before!” *name that movie*
Basically, what Mary said was true, Spencer is a John Snow baby bastard.
Basically Spencer’s fuckboy dad had sex with Mary, thinking it was Jessica. Which, hmmmm, does not make it any better but I’m sure he’ll make it on a TFM Instagram post.
TFM: “DILF hooks up with two sisters and tells all his bros! Link in bio”
Jessica came over one day to shoot the shit with her lover’s wife, per usual, and v casually brought up that her husband is having ANOTHER child from a different woman. Do they not sell condoms in Rosewood? Probs not, we all know the only locations in this town are the church (where everyone dies), Ezra’s coffeeshop, and Radley.
Anyway, Spencer was the baby Mary gave away, the one Noel’s dad knew about and they spent all fucking season looking for. PLL literally does not give a fuck about wasting my goddam time.
Spencer is like, mad at her mom for staying with her dad and I’m like, okay this is the most relatable thing they’ve ever said. Like for real. Spencer’s mom is like “WE CREATED THIS TOGETHER!” and I’m like, look I don’t wanna give you a biology lesson, but you literally did not.
They flashback to when Spencer was given to Hastings. Like, why does this look like it’s a 1950’s film? Wasn’t this like, early 90’s? Why is it filmed in black and white? Spencer’s mom is legit in the back of a town car and a man in a trenchcoat brings her the baby.
They have a town car service in Rosewood? And not any place that sells contraceptives?
Spencer freaks out and is like “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!” Like, lol okay you ungrateful bitch.
SPENCER: I’M NEVER GOING TO CALL YOU MOM, NOT EVEN IN A FIRE!
Aria and Holden are back in town and happen to run into Ezra. He’s like “oh perfect, going to see my ex, brb!” AWKWARDDD.
Hanna is letting the Senator’s daughter try on dresses and the girl tells her to have her “boss” Mona call her. Hanna is like, fuck that! “Mona is not my boss, I am an adult.”
HANNA: But I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!
Caleb is there and is like “did I hear that correctly?” What, are you deaf now? Of course you fucking heard it. If you had a hearing disability, there would have already been like, 10 jokes about it.
Ali’s trying to start shit in a staff meeting with Paige, obvi. Their boss, May, and Emily just watch it in awe. Two fug lesbos arguing over parent teacher conferences. This is a weird porn.
MY MOM: “Okay that old bitch May needs to go. Run the program, May!”
Spencer is downing wine and reading texts she shouldn’t—again, me. Although. I would never have those fugly bangs. I digress.
AD tells her to play the game to learn more about her mom. Spencer’s dumb ass is like, “sounds good.” A truth or dare game comes up and Spencer willingly picks dare. Why the fuck would you do that?
She gets dared to visit Toby, which doesn’t seem like a big deal. AD, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
Spencer starts talking to Toby about how Rosewood sucks and Spencer recites some poem. Idk this is feeling very Cersei-ish. I’m not saying they are going to blow up the city, but they’re probs gonna blow up the city.
Emily confronts Ali about how she is acting like a fucking psycho—which is a stark difference from her usual attitude? Usually she’s just like, mildly insane.
Ali is mad because all of her memories are lies and it’s like, well, this show ain’t called “Pretty Little Truthers.” Emily asks Ali not to kiss her again unless she knows she wants to lesbo together. Ali acts like she’s unsure, but we all know they’re gay for each other. Ali be saying idk a lot, but she be knowin.
Hanna flips out at Mona for being the “boss” and Mona’s like “I can’t help that I’m popular.” What is Mona’s orange blazer? The fucking PLL wardrobe team strikes again. Whoever said orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed.
Mona calls the Senator’s daughter to clear things up, but we all know it’s suspect as fuck. God, I love Mona.
Spencer comes home and gets her “prize” from this revolutionary-ass game. Her prize is a puzzle piece and a letter from Mary Drake. Idk what’s worse—being given up for adoption or getting a fucking puzzle piece as a gift. Mary Drake is a shit parent.
Mary wrote Spencer a letter basically saying sorry for being a psycho and fucking a married man because I hate my sister. This is a weird episode of 13 Reasons Why.
Emily goes to Paige to apologize for Ali being a fucking weirdo. Paige is like “I don’t understand it and I won’t respond to it.” Paige is like “Ali is always the victim, Emily. Can’t you see?” And it’s like, no she can’t. She went to a junior college for a semester.
Hanna is freaking out when she finds out Spencer played the game without her. Everyone is cornholing and having fun except Hanna!!!
Hanna is about to hulk smash the game when it shows them a video of the Liars hiding Snaggle’s body.
Like, damn. What can this game not do? I feel like this game probs knows the cure to cancer. This game is a power that needs to be harnessed by the military… in 4 years when we can trust the people running it again (don’t @ me).
The game says winner takes all. So like, you win or you die. Ugh so cliché but I’m so fucking committed to this bullshit it’s painful.
Jenna’s blind ass is literally sipping tea in the dark and reading the transcript to this game in braille. The Liars are always acting like this bitch is out there Helen Kellering and running into traffic when we all know Jenna runs this shit.