Last night’s Pretty Little Liars was pretty little bullshit. Literally nothing happened. The girls dressed up to model in wedding dresses for the weirdest fucking charity to ever exist and didn’t even end up walking down any runway with the exception of material girl Aria who took her slutty mother’s breath away. Instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing, Spencer was rummaging through the forrest. Hanna was making out with valet boys (You working this thang too?) then later helping Emily hack into Alison’s email account using compeltely arbitrary words and phrases. MAMA GABUSIES!! OF COURSE!!! Since Caleb left they’ve obviously enlisted the next darkest skinned cast member to be the computer literate one.
I also love how the initial “maybe Spencer gets stabbed” cliffhanger turned into “Spencer got her vail caught in a bear trap like 4 feet away.” And have these girls ever thought about hanging out at a different fucking coffee shop where they’re not harassed by detectives who ask stupid fucking questions which they totally don’t need to answer? AND doesn’t ANYONE, like literally anyone, notice A prancing around Philly wearing all black hoodie, gloves, and leather jogging pants signing into hotels and reaching for mints. It’s fucking Spring, bro.
Spencer spends a majority of this episode dressed as the lead trombone player in Drumline.
Dean: I’m not even questioning why your knee is buzzing right now…
Spencer: It’s actually not my phone this time, it's my dildo
Ever since Spencer and Dean shared that special nap together, things were never the same:
Spencer: Want something to drink
Dean: Sure what do you have?
Spencer: Warm milk and Excedrin PM
Sweet photo booth pics of Ali. I guess she thought she looked like shit in them.
I don’t get how Spencer claims to be so in love with Toby yet like never mentions him or seems to give a shit what he’s up to. He’s probs carpenting or combing sun-in through his hair. Oh that Toadz.
So what we got from this episode was that Spencer’s mom totally thinks Spencer killed Alison.. because she’s on adderall. That shit is stupid.
Mrs. D: SMOKE HER OUT ALISON – most people who are watching this prob thought this meant Mrs. D wanted Alison her to share her blunt with Spencer.
Nice finger bones in your dress Spence. Hanna’s prob thinking like, “omg can we stop for chicken wings?
Episode ends with Spencer saying “What are you doing here?!” It’s like an episode of The Californians: DEVON What are YEWWW doing here? It’s def Melissa.
Aria: Hanna give her your cookie
Hanna: You give her your cookie I’m hungry
But really are you pregnant? Like is that what we’re supposed to be taking from all these eating references?
Hanna: Mom where am I supposed to eat?
Ashley: Nowhere, you’re not supposed to eat Hanna.
Is Mrs. D upset that Ashley Marin found her fugly skirt?
Did you just say that Paige wrote the anonymous note on her own stationary? Is she that fucking stupid and what lesbian has personal stationary?
Omg finally Aria has a parent!
Side note: There was no possible way Aria could have read that entire manuscript in under an hour. Girl’s slow as fuck.
So happy Aria’s mom took time off from whoring herself out in Austria to come to the aid of her daughter post maniacal murdering statutory rapist teacher blow out.
“Your kids live in THIS country!”
“Maybe you should’ve packed less.” Touche
Ew that’s the smallest ring ever. I don’t get out of bed for less than 7 carats.
Are we back to denim skirts again? Really?
Bruce: My grandparents and needy and old.
Emily: ALL GRANDPARENTS ARE OLD.
“Jason I haven’t heard from you since I left half my body in an elevator shaft.” Shit that only people on PLL say.
Emily’s first time wearing a dress and it’s a wedding dress. Also, boobs.
Bremily / Emuce breakup alert! I have a feeling that’s not the last we’ll be seeing Bruceywucey though. She’ll be stirring the pot with the cops and/or A.
Other thoughts and theories Couldn’t possibly hold up
“A SEAFOOD PARFAIT IS NOT A FINGER FOOD!” – Mrs D or Patrick Bateman?
Theory: Ali has a twin who Mrs Dilaurentis kept separated from Alison (she was probs in Radley or some shit, as most people who are given plot lines later on in the show are). On the day Ali was murdered the twin must have escaped Radley and came to confront the mom and/or Alison and was the one who was murdered.
Murderers?: I don’t think Spencer actually killed her but she may have bludgeoned her. It’s poss that her dad came in and finished the job as to protect her daughter and/or protect Mrs Dilaurentis (they were in love or some shit right? He’s Jason’s dad. The whole thing hurts my brain).
I don’t really think Mrs Dilaruentis killed the twin, although I do think the twin theory explains why Mrs D. doesn’t want the grave dug up because she’s hiding something aka she doesn’t want it to be discovered that the person looks exactly like Alison but isn’t actually Alison.
Shit alluding to the twin theory: The Halloween episode a couple seasons ago with the two scary blonde girls, the poster with the twins where the money was hidden, Ali had a twin in the books (I didn’t actually read the books this is a widely known thing so don’t bitch about spoilers)
Yet I still have no fucking clue who A is.