Despite MANY more gruesome deaths having happened in and around Rosewood and met with little fanfare, last night’s PLL episode marked the beginning of the Trial of the Century, otherwise known as “we have two more episodes left in the season and need to stretch this plot out.” Not a lot moved forward this episode, since they’re probably saving it all up for the big A reveal in a couple weeks (that will almost certainly not reveal A’s identity) (remember, two more seasons, at least). So we have Ali on trial for murder, Hanna waiting her turn, and their three friends are positive a rando phone number is the key to everything. That’s Pretty Little Liars, in a nutshell.
– The girls’ obsession with this phone number they found on a fucking pizza receipt. It showed up again when Ali was collecting classified ads, probably trolling for D (it’s called Craigslist Ali, get with it), and… Now they have no fucking clue what to do with it. Do they try texting it from a burner first? No, they call it many, many times from their phones, THEN Caleb has the brilliant idea to text it. And yet, they’re shocked, SHOCKED when A lets them know they’ve been had. Besides using your own phones to try to reach the number, A has had all of your numbers all along, you morons.
– Speaking of A. For many years now, whoever this is has been executing a plan that involves multiple people, spans at least two states, and requires lugging around hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of expensive, sometimes delicate technology, all to achieve a goal that isn’t yet clear. And in the end, A’s plan is to… threaten one of the girls with an iron and hope she takes a plea deal in the murder she was framed for?
– On to the trial itself. First of all, OF COURSE the girls have to attend, as though they don’t have school and it will somehow affect the outcome. “BUT WHAT WILL THE RUMOR MILL SAY IF WE DON’T GO WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BESTIES?” Friend go to friends trials. That’s just the rules of feminism. So they show up, and fuck me, can these girls EVER look appropriate for a grownup event, at least once? Aria is at least wearing clothes, but idk wtf is going on with Emily. Spencer isn’t there because her mom forbade it, which is according to her a very 19th century thing to do. Sadface.
“Remember high school? When allegiances and enemies were magnified out of all proportion, a world where a perceived opponent must be dealt with quickly without remorse?” That’s how the prosecutor opens the trial, because apparently he’s confusing a normal high school with fucking World War II. Also, I should know better than to expect realism from this show, but “There’s a blond person on the video, you weren’t where you said you were, and you lied about some earlier stuff” doesn’t exactly seem like an airtight murder prosecution strategy.
– Because this show loves unnecessary plot elements, of course Ashley and Jason’s (who’s looking extra hot this episode, at least) affair comes back up. Somehow, because Jason was fucking Hanna’s mom, and Hanna’s friends with Alison, Ashley convinced him to change his story and believe his sister’s innocence. Okay. How did anyone even know about it (besides A, of course)? Jason fucks Ashley. Spencer’s dad fucks Ali’s mom. Aria’s dad with whatsherface from the first season. There are apparently all of 9 fuckable people in Rosewood, and they all know each other.
Maybe that’s why A is so pissy. Maybe A got the clap in one of these endless, incestuous love triangles.
– Pastor Ted is the king of losing. First Ashley cheats on him, then he takes her back. If he wasn’t A before, he’s mad enough to be now. I’M JUST TRYNA FINISH MY COFFEE FFS.
– Andrew is totally A. He killed Mona over losing a mock trial debate I bet. BUSINESS ETHICS. And now he’s mad bc Aria didn’t text him back and did that awkward face thing when he tried to kiss her again.
– Hanna: “Maybe I’ll write a book in prison.”
Ashley: “You can barely read.”
– Has no one thought that maybe the murder of Alison’s other and Alison being on trial for murder suggests that more is going on, here? Thanks Rosewood PD.
– Is A actually Julia Child or, what? Who the fuck else taunts people with 1940s French music and keeps a talking bird? Also, A does realize that shredding a social security card doesn’t, like, delete that person’s identity, right?
– Alison: “Is it raining back home?”
Emily: “Ali, you’re like three blocks away and I know the jail has windows, I was just there.”
– Why is Alison trying to pretend Goodnight Moon is a book unique to her childhood?
– For real, where the fuck is Toby?