We left off from last week’s lackluster episode with so many questions about the fate of our mid-life crisis-like liars. ABC Family told us this would be the “Summer of Answers” but it’s clear that they take the name of the show waaaaay too seriously and are bunch of liars. Or they are just shitty writers in general…. Wait, I just watched an episode of “Baby Daddy,” it’s def the second one.
HANNA STOP TRYING TO MAKE THERAPY HAPPEN
Hanna has decided to take a quick break from having a neurotic episode about her shitty looking room and is like “wait a second, maybe I should go back to school.” How fucking noble of her, since it’s clear that these girls have def missed at least a month of school. Granted, Hanna or any of the liars haven’t given a shit about college apps yet… that’s like way too responsible for them rn.
When Hanna isn’t pretending to give a shit about school she’s tearing out the yearbook page that Andrew is featured on in some weird ABC Family voodoo. Either his face alone just pisses her off or his very #basic Gandhi senior quote is really annoying her. “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Oh, fuck off Andrew.
Hanna goes to school wearing the newest fugly dress by Material Girl by Madonna and runs into Dr. Sullivan who is like “LOL my life sucks and I work at the high school now.” Hanna then decides to try and sign the liars up for a group therapy class with Dr. Sullivan because that worked out sooo well in the past.
Dr. Sullivan: You should bring your friends to a group therapy session.
Hanna: Will there be food there?
Hanna meets with Dr. Sullivan first and immediately is like “Andrew must be A”, because everything is that fucking easy. She tells Dr. Sullivan about the “game” she had to play where she picks the friends she likes best to survive and others to die-which brings back so many memories of my sorority days. Dr. Sullivan was obviously trained by Dr. Spaceman at 30 Rock, and has literally no medical credentials and continues to smile and nod the whole time.
Hanna then forces her friends into her vehicle, taking them against their will to therapy, because being kidnapped wasn’t enough.
Hanna: Get in the loser, we’re going to an intervention.
When she finally rallies her army of skanks and they wait for Dr. Sullivan’s appointment.
Dr. Sullivan: I cleared time for you guys today, **phone goes off** oh wait, I have a tinder match, give me a second
When Dr. S is gone, they get a video from “A” (we’ll come back to that later) that makes them ditch the PTSD bonding sesh. Sullivan calls them and is like “wait you’re my only patient, why did you ditch me?” And Hanna decides to blame her mom and say she “fell in the shower.” Quick! Take a shot every time someone lies in the show. Spoiler alert: I’ve been playing for the past 30 minutes and I’m blacked out, typing this article and eating peanut butter with a spoon.
The liars begin to think that somehow Andrew/Charles/Jason all have a connection because being a blonde, good-looking guy in Rosewood automatically makes you a suspect.
Hanna: Wait so before he was a Campbell, he might have been a DiLaurentis?
Hanna gets the gold star of the day!
They deduce that Charles may have been Jason’s imaginary friend, which literally makes no sense except for giving Hanna a perfect reason to bring up food.
Hanna: I had an imaginary friend named Mr. Biscuit! – That friend was def not imaginary Hanna.
Hanna admits to the liars about being forced to play the game, and choosing people to be shocked. Shocker- no pun intended- they all played that game and it didn’t actually have any follow through. No one actually got shocked. It was just A fucking with their brains. They all act so surprised, but like hasn’t this been a reoccurring thing since like 2010?
Hanna finishes the episode by looking at paint swatches longingly, hoping to gain their knowledge about life, giving us more reason to believe that she really needs to go back and focus on schooling, I mean seriously.
EMILY ADOPTS A STRAY DOG SARAH
Emily is talking on the phone with the Liars telling them how Sarah, the other girl from the cave, doesn’t think that Andrew kidnapped them. She is telling the Liars all this and they are like “yeah well you love Ali and she fucking sucks so idk about your judgment.” Emily assures them that Sarah must be legit because she showers all the time, and showers make happy people, and happy people just don’t
shoot their husbands falsely accuse people.
They figure that since Andrew was at school while Sarah was kidnapped that it couldn’t be him. Spencer says “they don’t give you hall passes to feed your hostage”- you’re right Spence. At Rosewood High they let you invite murderers to prom, cyber-bully, attempt murder in the swimming pool (Paige we haven’t forgotten you) and let teachers have sex with students- like they GAF about a hostage situation.
Sarah, who is looking very “Gone Girl”-esqe, freaks the fuck out at Emily because she doesn’t want to go home and instead wants to hide out in Emily’s lesbo-cave. She’s really hurt by the names people call her and Emily’s lady parts are doing flips right now with the prospect of her staying. In order to calm her down, Emily offers her food, clearly mixing Sarah up with Hanna.
Sarah: The reporters called me feral! Did you think I looked feral?
Emily: I’m really hoping that means code for lesbian.
On a side note, whoever hired the girl to play Sarah needs to be fired immediately. The girl is a terrible actress, and that’s saying something since I have to see Toby’s Quasimodo face every fucking week. Seriously, whoever told them to hire a pretty blonde moron like Sarah was seriously disturbed.
Emily gives Sarah a spare burner phone, because she isn’t fucking sketchy at all, and puts her number on speed dial. Sarah gets all excited, probably because the bitch has been in a cave for 3 years and literally has never used modern technology.
Emily, Sarah, and Emily’s mom are going through Em’s butch wardrobe and trying to pawn things off on Sarah. She may be a little socially retarded but she figures out pretty quickly that Emily’s wardrobe looks like the lost and found of a woman’s over-30 softball team.
Sarah says her mom gave away all her stuff when she went missing, which makes you wonder who her mom is and what the fuck her problem is. Sarah said she ran away because she doesn’t “want to lie anymore”- and you’re hanging out with Emily? Damn girl, you really know how to pick ‘em.
While at Dr. Sullivan’s office, Emily gets a video of Sarah a) sleeping in her bed and b) getting threatened by A with a knife. “A” tells them that they have 30 seconds to leave the premises or “A” will kill Sarah, and Emily immediately convinces everyone to take “A” and the countdown app that he has installed very seriously. They basically risk everything for this crazy bitch they have known for a few weeks- Rosewood logic right there. This is why their teachers are now baristas and their cops can’t figure out how to catch a high schooler- they are all fucking stupid.
Spencer: Should we tell Sarah that someone tried to kill her?
Emily: That might scare her!
Spencer: She was kidnapped for fucking three years, I’m sure she’s like, heard worse.
Emily hugs Sarah and casually cops a feel, saying how happy is she is to see her. Sarah takes this as an indicator that she should do something crazy, so she decides to cut her hair like Miley Cyrus, making Em’s wet dreams comes true.
ARIA THE SUPER-STUPID SLEUTH
Aria is still hellbent that Andrew has to be A, because if he isn’t, her whole episode plotline last week was fucking pointless.
She goes to visit Ezra who serves scones for a living (oh how the mighty have fallen) and he convinces her to play hookey because he isn’t a teacher anymore, so he DGAF. Aria doesn’t really need the scone though, because being in a cave for three weeks totally made her lose three pounds. #cavediet2015
Ezra: I don’t give comfort food to every customer, just the ones who blow me when they are underage.
Ezra tries to talk Aria into writing, again, and she’s like “could you please shut the fuck up” and starts playing on the computers, zooming in on Andrew. Aria would have to be a bigger lezbo than Emily to not admit that Andrew is fucking hot. Waaaay hotter than the Walt Whitman barista Ezra, that’s for damn sure.
Ezra gives more hypocritical advice to Aria about lying and the whole viewing audience either collectively groans or takes a large sip of wine. Or both.
Ezra: If you don’t want someone to know you’re hiding something, don’t hide it.
Aria: Our entire relationship was built on lies and secrets so you could write a book about the friend of mine you fucked one summer.
Ezra: Here, take a muffin.
Ezra completely backtracks that statement and they decide to call a medical center and pretend to be doctors to get Andrew’s medical history. They ask for Andrew’s social security number and birth date, and I was so positive that the Rosewood Medical center would supply that information because everyone in this town is super incompetent. But shockingly, the medical center says they “can’t give out information over the phone.” Whoever that person is, they should vote them for Mayor of Rosewood, because they are the only person who actually does things that makes sense in the real world.
But Aria and Ezra did find out one thing: Andrew/Charles is adopted. Dun dun dun.
After later escaping from the attempted therapy session, they go to Emily’s house, where Em’s mom is like “oh btw, Andrew is getting out of jail.” Aria is both turned on and freaking the fuck out.
While looking for clues about Charles’ existence at Ali’s house, Aria looks in the most random of places and finds a fucking picture of Andrew/Charles and Jason at the bottom of a button jar. Who the fuck has a button jar?
Ali: Wow, Aria. You are so smart. I would never think to look there!
Aria: There is always money in the button jar.
They are walking home in the dark alone, not giving a fuck that they have a murderous stalker on the loose, and they just happen to see Andrew being released from jail. Fate, amiright?!
They go up to Andrew and are like “oh sorry about that whole “lying to keep you in jail” thing” and he fucking loses it. He also is sporting a Southern accent that he never had before- damn, prison changed you.
He calls the liars “toxic dumps” and tells them that literally everyone hates them- leaving the liars shocked. That, like, totally can’t be true, right?!
Andrew: We graduate in 3 weeks, plz stay the fuck away from me until then.
Aria: Well we might not graduate.
Andrew: How is that possible you, liver-spotted whore?
Aria stares at him longingly as he walks away and probs realizes how much she fucked up when she sees his sexy back muscles. Goddam, Andrew.
THE WALKING DEAD- SPENCER
Spencer still hasn’t been sleeping lately because she isn’t allowed to take sleeping pills. Sucks to suck, Spence.
After being told that Andrew is adopted and Ali’s dad apparently “knows nothing about it”, she decides to go confront Jason to see if has answers (BECAUSE THIS IS THE FUCKING SUMMER OF ANSWERS RIGHT?!). Jason is found right where he always is- standing around in ugly shirts and boxing up fucking files. What are all these files? He has been trying to pack up his mom’s business for three goddamn years.
Spencer: Ask your dad about Charles.
Jason: I got u, fam.
Jason is a terrible fucking liar, which seems to be a reoccurring trend in this show. Which is ironic, since lying is the central plot… I’m too old for this shit.
Charlie turns out to be an imaginary friend Jason had when he was a kid, and it all becomes clear why no one ever wants to date Jason – he’s a fucking loser.
Toby comes over, wearing one of Emily’s obviously borrowed flannels and asks Spencer to cock-block Ali in her pursuit of his new partner, Lorenzo. He apparently saw them randomly talking one day, and now he is worried for Lorenzo’s safety. He’s a cop Tobz, he’ll be fine. And how is everyone seeing everything?! Like what are the odds Toby just happens to see Ali and Lorenzo talk? Are there like, 19 fucking people in this goddam town?
It’s all blamed on Ali, because a cop flirting with an underage girl is NBD is Rosewood.
Ali and Spencer have multiple interactions throughout this episode and in each one Spencer constantly brings up that they are related. Even if the topic doesn’t pertain to it, Spence has to throw it in.
Ali: The weather has been so nice lately.
Spencer: Remember how we’re half siblings?
However, as annoying as Spencer usually is, she’s the first of the Liars to admit the smart option: Andrew was probs set-up.
Spencer’s mom finally shows up (because the parents are seldom ever doing anything in this show) and is asking about school and life like nothing happened. She finally mentions Andrew and Spencer is like, mom that’s like so 10 minutes ago.
Spencer’s Mom: You don’t want this to end, as much as you want to wish it never happened.
Spencer: Fucking duh.
Spencer ends by saying that she “doesn’t see a happy ending coming anytime soon”- but I think we all know that sleeping pills will make that happy ending come a lot faster. Eventually, Spencer falls asleep- meaning she’ll be well rested and more annoying next episode.
ALI DILAURENTIS AND THE HALF-BLOODED IMAGINARY FRIEND?
We catch up with our favorite PTA mom, Ali, talking to Spencer about how her dad is a fucking liar. Ali is defending her dad to the best of her abilities but Spencer keeps screaming “LIAR” and throwing a box of chocolates at the T.V. She’s also speaking in gibberish and Ali hasn’t been to school in the past few years, so her underdeveloped brain is not understanding things.
Spencer: *talking about Ali’s Dad “if you are sure than be sure if you actually are that sure.*
Ali: Say that 5x fast.
Ali refuses to go to school because she thinks people will hate her and it’s like LOL that ship has long sailed. Besides, if I used that excuse, then I would have stopped going to school in like 4th grade.
Ali: Everyone would be fine without me, I know you think it.
Ali runs into Lorenzo AGAIN, because Rosewood has a population of 19. She stops a rolling soccer ball, and he immediately gets a hard-on. He acts like she just fucking did a bicycle kick into the goal during an Olympic game, instead of just stick her foot out and stop a fucking ball.
Lorenzo: You have great ball control. Want to go home and control my balls? Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Turns out the church soccer team (remember how last episode Ali admitted to going to church and it was like, this big fucking deal) can’t have a girls team because they don’t have a girls coach. And obviously Lorenzo can’t do it because he’s too busy being sexually suggestive with this underage girl to give a shit about those underage girls.
The whole time Lorenzo is speaking to Ali, she holds back the urge to say “what a beautiful chocolate man” and is just so excited that a male who a) doesn’t hate her or b) isn’t related to her, wants to talk to her.
Lorenzo asks Ali to be a soccer coach and says he “won’t take no for an answer” which is like SUPER rapey. But then we see Toby looming over the whole exchange looking upset, and become equally as rapey. If I was Ali, I would avoid the Rosewood PD, but that’s none of my business. *sips wine
Ali is confronted with the fact that Jason had an imaginary friend named Charlie and Ali is like “guys, no. my family is SO normal, this would never happen.” And Spencer is like, “uhhh I know, we’re family.” And then Ali’s point is immediately moot.
She then thinks about it more- Jason was never in childhood photos and that just can’t be right because he’s the best looking family member we have. She then realizes there is a photo missing from her album, and immediately knows that it must be the missing piece of the puzzle. God forbid it just be a photo that fell loose while Jason was moving all his mom’s files and stuff for the past 3 seasons.
After Aria finds a photo of Jason with another blonde boy (immediate suspect), Ali talks to Spencer about boys because that’s waaaaay more important. Spencer asks about Lorenzo and Ali talks about him like he is a potential new member for their sorority: “he’s nice, and sweet and I like him.”
Spencer: So how did you lovebirds meet?
Ali: We’ve only spoken 3 times and each time it’s been creepy and secretive.
Ali says “meeting someone like that is so shocking” but not fucking really since there are 19 people in your town. It’s not fucking shocking AT ALL.
The episode ends with Ali looking at that stupid fucking missing picture. Of all the years A has been planning to kill these bitches and pulling intricate schemes, he forgot to replace a fucking picture? I call massive bullshit.
Jason and Ali confront their dad in the weirdest intervention ever.
Jason: We want answers, not lies.
Ali’s Dad: Do you know what show you’re on?
Dad obviously tells them something pretty fucking good because Ali looks more stressed out than the time she missed her child’s parent-teacher conference. Also, note a creepy looming figure watching this all go down through the window. Does no one lock their doors or shut their window in this god-forsaken town?!
Let’s hope next week we see some answers because otherwise PLL is just basically turning into an hour where I challenge myself to pound a bottle of wine and talk shit about Aria’s stupid fucking wardrobe choices.