Pretty Little Liars Recap: Got 99 Problems & A Bitch Is 1

This week Pretty Little Liars kicked it up a notch, bringing us more answers, more confusion, more flannels (Emily) and more creepy ass dolls. Therefore, we added more wine to the equation- because balance is the key to living a healthy life.


The episode starts off with Spencer entering the Chamber of Secrets/Radley in a dream sequence. A girl straight out of “The Ring” arises and Spencer follows her into a creepy room- because whenever you see a really creepy demon person, you should absolutely follow them. The room has two random ass bathtubs and the demon girl begins doing the dancing routine of “Chandelier.”

Obviously Spencer is not a fan of Sia because she wakes up and immediately calls Aria to tell her about her nightmare. Aria warns Spencer to stop drinking that Loco Hot Coco before she goes to bed and Spencer repeatedly asks Aria if she knows anything about the double-bathtub room. However, Aria’s still trying to blackout the whole experience and is like- IDFWU or your dreams, Spence.

Spencer talks about this mythical thing called “graduation” and how she is still valedictorian, even after missing a solid month of school. Spence is still hiding out from dealing with her mom and is popping pieces of edibles like they are fucking tic-tacs. She’s also chasing edibles with coffee- so like, have fun being on the toilet for the remainder of the episode Spence.

She leaves the house because her mom just back from Curves and Spencer “doesn’t want to argue with her after she’s pumped iron.” Your mom lifts 5 pound dumbells and walks on the stairmaster, Spencer, don’t fucking act like she’s Hulk Hogan.

Spencer and Hanna are later at school and Hanna is trying to tell a story, but Spencer is way too fucking blazed to give a shit. Turns out, she’s dirty texting Toby, whose not featured in this episode because he’s too busy ani-morphing into a fucking lizard. Hanna and Spencer share a shit ton of far-fetched metaphors to describe their sex life and it’s as stupid as it sounds.

Spencer: Well don’t get mad at me because your well has run dry.
Hanna: Caleb treats me like a cracked egg that’s fallen out of Robin’s nest.
Everyone at home watching: plz stop.

Hanna reaches out for Spencer’s special cookies- because of course Hanna fucking would reach for the goddam cookie- and Spencer freaks out. Hanna asks Spencer if she is buzzed because she looks like a crackhead and subtlety reminds her that Dr. Oz says that “sex is a drug too”- which is ABC family’s way of reminding you that sex is bad. Everyone take a rubber.

Spencer decides to go to a recovery meeting and runs into the hot addict dude from last season. She gets called out for trying to ditch the meeting early and stealing all the food- which is pretty similar to any sorority function I have ever been to.

Spencer eventually gets a ride home from addict boy where he proceeds to hit on her and supply more stupid ass metaphors. He tells her to call him if she “can’t sleep” and she gives him her remaining edibles, to which he says “no girl has ever tossed their cookies in my car,” and I kill my wine glass in sheer agony about ever having to listen to that shitty line.

Spencer runs into Mona, who is casually walking in the darkness towards Ali’s house. Does no one own a fucking car in this town? They make small talk then Spencer asks Mona if she has ever been in the bathtub room, and Mona is like-wtf are you talking about? Spencer describes the dream and the girl as a “young Allison” which makes no sense because the girl had black hair and was like half dead, but whatever. Anyone with the IQ of their shoe size can figure out Mona is lying, but Spencer doesn’t #valedictorian.

Mona: Spencer you look great, way less tortured than the last time I saw you.

Boom, instant flashforward to Spencer and Hanna breaking into Radley- because breaking into buildings is NBD in Rosewood. They find the double bathtub room- SHOCKER- where Charles’ files just happened to be stored. What luck! They have a minor moment where they freak out and think a dead person is in the bathtub, but LOL, it’s just one of those dolls again. Dolls are the real enemy in this show.

They confirm that Charles is dead and then find Mona, also breaking into the old building. It’s a fucking party now. Eventually, they all meet up and discuss all the shit that’s gone down, while Spencer is desperately wishing she could smoke a doobie rn.


Emily and Lolly from OITNB/Sarah are at Em’s house and Sarah’s arguing with her mom. Sarah tells Emily she has to go home and Em’s desperation level reaches an all time high as she begs for Sarah to legally emancipate herself. Because having Emily is way more important than having a family.

They go to visit Caleb, the messiah of unwanted children, and he’s like…. Wait this shit is actually like really hard to do. Emily damn near busts an artery convincing Caleb to help them.

Caleb: Could you just like, chill for a sec?

He ends up covering for Sarah and hiring her for his “web design business”. Sarah has been stuck in a cave for fucking 2 years, but Caleb seems overly confident that she’ll get the hang of WordPress easily. Clearly Rosewood doesn’t get HBO, so he can’t watch Silicon Valley and see how badly hiring a fucking moron works out for you.

Emily (in flannel #2 of the episode) takes Sarah to the Child Services Office and Sarah comes out saying that the emancipation is basically a thing. Emily squeals in lesbian delight and damn near starts her own pride parade right there. Sarah points across the street to conveniently located tattoo parlor and suggests getting some fresh ink. That tattoo parlor set up shop in the right place, nothing like fucked up youth to add numbers to your clientele.

Sarah gets the worlds fugliest tattoo of a bird leaving a cage right in the center of her back and convinces Emily, who would literally murder a child for Sarah at this point, to get a tattoo as well. We endure more metaphors about how tattoos have “Emily’s name on it” and how Emily should get the tattoo “closer to her fine china” which basically means her vag. So yes, if you’re wondering just how fucking basic Emily can get, she gets a tattoo of the Japanese symbol for “strength” tattooed on her vagina.

Emily gives Sarah her phone to hold, because when you getting a vag tattoo apparently your hands can no longer function, and we all know what’s about to happen. Aria sends the girls a text about A and Sarah reads it. She freaks out on Emily and babbles on about how she’s seen A around too. God forbid anyone in this fucking town own a black sweatshirt, right?

Sarah runs away and Emily chases after her. And frankly, I’ve seen better running in a tampon commercial. Sarah can’t believe that Emily didn’t tell her this A stuff because they were really “connecting.” Emily tries to explain how they were hiding it to protect her, but then a shadow creeps up behind them. Both girls decide to have their lovefest somewhere else and GTFO of there.

Moral of the story: Emily wants Sarah. In and around her mouth.


Aria is lounging in her Dad’s office when the guy from Everyone Hates Chris (really named Clark) comes in and starts to talk to her about pictures. Ugh. Yawn.

He invites her to go take pictures with him in an old junkyard, and she’s like, no thanks. But then he tells her that she’s good enough to place in this contest where her photos could help her land an internship in LA, and she immediately like “lemme get my things.” Flattery will get you everywhere in Rosewood.

Chris: Wanna go with me to a junkyard in a deserted area?
Aria: YOLO

Aria is taking pictures of dolls, again. Is Rosewood the unofficial doll capital of the world or something, I mean Jesus Christ.  Aria tell Chris that she is “embracing the creepy,” which is true because she’s out with a dude she barely knows in a dump.

He takes a picture of her that he’ll for sure post on instagram with a Lo Fi filter and call “a photo shoot,” and Aria is a little weirded out. Chris then asks her out to dinner, which she politely declines, continuing to play with her stupid ass dolls.

Aria: I’m just not ready to date right now. The last guy I dated is now a registered sex offender, and I just need some time, ya know?

Chris admits to knowing Aria is one of the kidnapped girls from the news (of course he does) and then sulks off after being denied. Aria turns and sees a person in a dark sweater- MUST BE A- around the dump and follows them. She follows them into a shed and Chris proves himself useful and goes in to protect Aria. Nothing happens and Chris is still denied a dinner date. Everyone hates him.

Later, the two are in the darkroom developing photos and making awkward conversation about how their photos are basically pretty average and feature a lot of fucking dolls. Aria luckily happens to stumble upon a picture that shows a blurry vision of A, but the picture was taken by Chris, not her.

Aria calls Emily who has her head so far up Sarah’s bleached asshole that she is no longer helpful. Aria decides her best option is to steal the photos, and then later return them to Chris- which I’m sure will work out just swimmingly like all the Liar’s plans do.

She goes home and examines the photos and zooms in on “A” and sees what we all see, a boob line. A not-very-impressive boob line, I might add. Ever heard of the bombshell bra, A? But yes, that leads to one of the big shockers of the night- A is a fucking girl.

Aria sounds like a broken Nickelback record and is repeatedly telling her friends “look at this photograph!” She sends out a group text and they all meet up to discuss what the fuck to do. She does this all while wearing a striped halter shirt that you can find in an Old Navy catalogue, circa 2001.

Within three episodes, Aria has found the three major clues in their search for A. Maybe fucking a teacher for all those years really did make her more knowledgeable.


Ali is lying on the couch when she hears some of the Rosewood PD talk shit about her. She clearly has bionic hearing, since they are about 100 feet away and outside and she hears every word. Either way, she is really upset because she’s really done nothing to deserve being shit talked- right?

Rosewood PD: She put people in jail!
Ali: That was in 7th grade, asshole.
Rosewood PD: People don’t forget.

She tells her bird-faced dad who DGAF and basically tells her to own up to it. He tells her that bad behavior catches up to her, and she says “you would know”. What is this? A fucking latino soap opera?

Ali: They called me a bitch!
Ali’s Dad: OMG Britney!
Rosewood PD: OMG you were thinking it!
Ali’s Dad: Yeah, but you said it!

Ali and Lorenzo are sitting uncomfortably close in Ali’s house and Lorenzo is still trying to get Ali to coach this fucking soccer team. Just because she looks like a soccer mom, doesn’t mean she can actually fucking play soccer.

Ali is like ehhh maybe, but is more focused the fact that she is finally getting a romantic partner on the show. Her dad walks in and basically tells Lorenzo to go hit on girls that a) he isn’t supposed to be protecting, b) are his own age and c) aren’t a fucking crazy person. At this point, my boyfriend who I forced to watch this with me is clearly confused. “Wait, what? I thought she was a mom this whole time” – honest mistake.

Ali meets up with chocolate thunder/Lorenzo and is sitting on their porch and they awkwardly trying to talk about the fact that Ali’s dad is a jackass. Lorenzo, who apparently is some kind of fucking psychologist, is like “your dad isn’t mad at me, he’s mad at himself.” Really? Cause I’m pretty sure it looked like he was mad at you.

Lorenzo and Ali then kiss, because the police department in Rosewood clearly turns a blind eye to old men dating high school girls. Ali damn near starts crying from sheer excitement because she hasn’t had a guy interested in her since 8th grade, when all those older dudes like Ezra were fucking her #tbt.

Allison gets a text from Spencer about their “breAkthrough” and she tells her dad that she’s gotta go see her friends. Her dad is like “nah” and tells her that she is still a child and needs to abide by his rules. Ali’s like “whatever dad, you can’t just fucking bury me in the ground like you did with Charles” and he’s like wtf are you talking about.


Hanna walks up on Mona, casually sitting in her kitchen looking funeral chic. Mona is like, “is this a bad time” and Hanna’s like “give me a few minutes to eat and then we’ll be fine.”

Mona is afraid of Rosewood PD because they might be after her for faking her own death. Hanna reassures her that Rosewood PD is busy looking for A, as they have for six seasons, and that they are fully focused on that. Meanwhile, half the precinct is fucking teenage girls.

Mona is also afraid of the big bad Allison because she put her in a jail for a bit. But like, whatever. It’s not like anyone in this town holds a grudge for six seasons and tortures and murders people, right?

Hanna: Allison only leaves her house to fuck policemen and go to church
Mona: Do you hear yourself, like when you speak?

Hanna says she’ll give Mona a ride to the police station, but first she needs to stop for a mocha and scone. Helping a friend in need is never put before a fucking pastry in Hanna’s world. They go to Ezra’s coffeeshop, the hip place to be in Rosewood besides jail or Radley.

They run into Kimmy Schmidt/Leslie from last season and she immediately starts shit talking Mona and Hanna. She calls Hanna a bag of hair, and Hanna just continues to eat her muffin in silence. She basically tells Mona/Hanna to fuck off and that if Mona ever tries to contact her that she will fucking ruin her. When did Kimmy Schmidt get so angry?

Kimmy: I have perjury on my record now because of you
Hanna: I don’t even know what that means
Kimmy: It’s not something that has glucose corn syrup in it, so it makes sense you don’t know it

Hanna is trying to convince people to give Mona a second chance and everyone is like “no wtf.” Hanna calls Kimmy a zillion fucking times, and then randomly runs into her at Ezra’s coffeeshop. Are there any more establishments in Rosewood? Where is the fucking Starbucks?

Kimmy says that Radley must have fucked Mona up and that she is sorry for being a bitch earlier. Wow, that was a quick recovery period from being a fucking crazy person to being friendly again- how is this not a red flag in Hanna’s mind?! Hanna says something about how they are going to Radley to find shit, and Kimmy goes all condescending and says “isn’t trying to find answers the reason all this shit happened?”

Hanna and Spencer magically appear in Radley and Hanna is walking around the place like it’s a fucking strip mall. They keep hearing noises, and are trying to find Charles’ files. They confirm Charles is dead, but then are like “lets find his friends”- never realizing that literally no one in the DiLaurentis family has friends.

They finally decide to confront the creepy noise being made, and find that it’s Mona’s dumb ass, trying to “secretly” steal a file. They take the file from Mona, which she doesn’t even fight them for, and see that it’s not her file, it’s Kimmy’s. Turns out that Kimmy was locked up for a long ass time in Radley, where she met both Charles and Mona. Radley is essentially the place where all good looking, bat-shit crazy teenagers go. That Radley, so hot right now.

Hanna and the Liars discover that not only was Kimmy in Radley, but she was Bethany Young’s roomie. Remember, the girl who was murdered instead of Ali- yeah that girl.

Emily: Ali didn’t kill her though, Melissa did.
Spencer: Woah, woah, woah. Melissa only buried her alive. Let’s not get carried away here.

Kimmy immediately moves into position as suspect #1 and the girls begin plotting a way to break Kimmy. Females are strong as hell!

The episode ends with Mona calling Kimmy and telling them that “they know”. Kimmy is in her car and starts screaming at Mona, telling her how she fucks everything up and that she had one fucking job. Mona is smiling the whole time so you know that bitch did it on purpose. And we’ve finally found it- the one person who has a god damn car in this town, and she’s fucking clinically insane.

Who knows what next week will hold? My boyfriend has some important questions, like “who the fuck is A?,” “Why is everyone dressed in high heels to go to high school?” and “Why does everyone on this show look like a pig?” It’s the summer of answers people- lets make this shit happen.


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