Oh how much do I just love Pretty Little Liars? So many seasons in and they still manage to one up themselves in absurdity. Via a film noir interpretation of PLL, naturally, last night we endured a deeper look into the addled mind of Spencer’s sleep-no-more drug induced lifestyle. Even though this was just a prolonged mechanism to show how Spencer realizes the differences in Ali’s original diary and A’s new version (which conveniently sets them up for an entire season of clues), it was still extremely amusing. Hanna sassily manning a switch board? Me confusing Emily and Bruce’s sexual tension with constipation? Toby shout-talking stupid metaphors at Spencer in black in white for 45 minutes? AMAZING.
Toby wins the award for saying the most random shit ever last night:
“Almost looks like she could step right out of the frame and kiss ya.”
“Who’s kiddin' who?”
“I hit him hard but I only hit him once.”
“Down these mean streets a girl must go who is not herself mean.”
He also wins the award for best acting:
“All those pills Spencer. Not good”
“Since when does the devil give out free samples”
But really, is Toby dead? He just keeps showing up like some ghost. Shit, I wish.
Ok so Hanna was a switch board girl, what was Toby’s role? Weird detective? Stalker in a trench coat who speaks just like George W. Bush?
I feel like when Toby was interpreting his character he was like, “Okay I’m gonna play True Detective meets Who Framed Roger Rabbit but even better because I’ll be shouting!!”
Aria had no role last night but to be a naive dumb ass dressed like Where’s Waldo: Prison Edition.
Aria on her relationship with Ezra “It’s been sexual and violent”
All this villain/hero talk with Ezra in the car is ridiculous. No one speaks like this, especially with your boyfriend. Can someone just like do something normal on the show, like get drunk or stalk someone on Facebook that isn’t your friends' teacher/lover/killer? Spencer can’t even do adderall in a fun way. A said it right, ACT NORMAL BITCHES.
Spencer you know better than this. If Ezra has a video camera installed in the hallway of his apartment, he definitely has cameras installed in his classroom and like, access to Rosewood High's security system. He clearly wants you to find the journal. DUH. Also, why are you guys literally the only people at school, aren’t there other losers who need extra help?
Spencer’s sniffling like she has coke drip. Omg is spencer now snorting the adderall?
Best realization: Spencer’s adderall binge inspired black and white fantasy isn't even the most unrealistic thing about this episode
When Spencer tells the Liars minus Aria how the diary is a Trojan horse and now they have an advantage over Ezra, they should have gone deeper into “HE DOESN'T KNOW WE KNOW HE KNOWS WE KNOW HE KNOWS….”
Hanna: What are we supposed to say to Aria, isn’t it funny how your old boyfriend turned out to be a stalking wack job?
“Left a 10 cent tip? what a waste!”
“This is all about the A-ness of things” While this line was pretty good, it was so terribly contrived I wanted to shove it back up the writer's A-ness.
To Mona about her carrot stick, “Thanks for the buffet!” You should stay away from the buffet.
Sup with all the tension, are they attempting to tackle the trying times for lesbians in the 40s?
“Are you scared of being lonely?” I am literally dying. I feel like some old school porno music is about to go on during this passionate lez love scene.
Bruce WOULD vaca to the Delaware Water Gap
HAHA Bruce’s haircut. I can’t. Is she wearing anal beads as a necklace?
Other people, other thoughts, and other shit
Mona was wearing heels that one would get in a packaged Halloween costume.
“Just so you know, that was the last carrot stick.” Why are there carrot sticks in drinks? WHAT IS GOING ON?
When Ali was being super aggressive and bitchy, was it me or was Ali totally channeling James Spader?
My general thoughts on the episode: While I was completely confused during a solid 60% of it, repeatedly IMing my friend “is this really happening?” to which she kept responding “HOW COULD IT ACTUALLY BE HAPPENING THEY DIDN'T TRAVEL IN TIME” which was a very valid point, the episode was fairly dece. And by dece I mean totally absurd but like, I didn’t want to shoot myself in the head. I mean they’re probably running out of shit to do and were like “fuck it, put on your polka dots and stripes kids, we’re doing film noir.” All of the Liars looked super glam with the exception of Bruce because well, it’s fucking Bruce.
To get you excited for next week: Aria's crying face during the previews was beyond words: