Welcome to another episode of Pretty Little Liars, the show that knows we’ll watch no matter what. Now, last night’s ep wasn’t as shitty as the week before’s – on a shit scale of “that roundtable bullshit they pulled on Halloween this year” to “the episode where Mona straight up hit Hanna with a car,” this episode was somewhere in the middle. Some shit was revealed, after all.
Aria is still battling with whether or not to tell Ezra about the email she sent to her fake college, the biggest fucking non-issue in the history of anything. Of course A, being clever and having no regard for the environment, demonstrates his/her/Batman’s ability to hack POS kiosks, the most secure systems on the planet. Does anyone else think that A could make, like, a lot more money applying these skills to something that actually matters?
Hanna’s mom, in all likelihood freshly fucked, is making waffles. Why? For pastor Ted of course, who has returned early from wherever the fuck he was because he dreeeaaammmmed about Ashley Marin’s waffles. Right, sure. If Ted’s all God-squad, that’s probably not even a euphemism. Maybe if Ted had been a little more sexually adventurous his intended wouldn’t be banging guys half her age.
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CARRY THE MARMALADE, HANNA.
Spencer is distraught at… something. She’s convinced A/Holbrook/Alison is trying to find a way to pin Mona’s murder on the girls, despite there being no evidence suggesting this. She’s so distraught that she can’t even bother to care about her college acceptance letters to schools she didn’t want to attend in the first place. Smart!
Spencer: “Ew, I don’t want to wear flipflops to class every day. I like brick and ivey, because I am a 17 year old girl and my vague notions of taste are important and will never, ever change.” Also, future prediction: All of those acceptance letters she conveniently didn’t open will turn out to be… overly elaborate rejection letters sent by A!
If they’re so rich, why are Spencer’s parents renting out their pool house or whatever to some random guy? Given that they suspect their own friends and family of trying to murder them on a biweekly basis you think they’d be a little more hesitant about who they let live in their house.
Emily. Emily, Emily, Emily. The problem with a plot-driven show like this is that the characters don’t develop much. In Emily’s case, we’re just now seeing her for what she truly is: A loser Nice Girl. Are you really still pouting about Paige? Are you really going to get your ass on your shoulders when the chef/cleaning czar points out that you couldn’t be bothered to wash that ugly-ass shirt and it was so cheap it has a hole in it. Oh, now you’re going to stitch it up and send it back to her? TOTAL POWER MOVE. Just kidding, loser.
Likelihood that Emily and the chef lady will fist fight and/or scissor in the next episode: 1,000%
So despite spending months trying to crack the security on Mona’s laptop, “Fappening” originator Caleb discovers, via a text sent to Aria, that he can now access the GPS on it. That might be, uh, something you’d want to alert the police to, right? No, you’re gonna break into a storage unit because that’s a thing that can happen? Ok, cool.
Also, what happened to Ezra also being a master hacker? Did he forget? Can he not help with this shit?
So Caleb and Spencer find a storage unit with literally every single piece of evidence missing from Mona’s murder case (including what appears to be Mona herself), and they decide to… do nothing. Spencer eventually makes the biggest, most illogical leap in the show so far: “Opening that barrel would be playing right into A/Holbrook’s hands!” No, it fucking wouldn’t. If you break into a storage unit and find a dead body, you call the fucking police. You could have at the very least stolen the laptop, which the police don’t know exists anyway, but whatever. Nice nod to Breaking Bad, btw. Don’t bother using that hazmat suit to investigate the suspicious barrel, or anything.
Caleb: [knock knock] “It feels full.”
Spencer: “Okay mona was a lot of things but she was not chubby enough to make this barrel feel full!”
Chances that Spencer and Caleb end up…
Making out briefly before saying “this is wrong!” and stopping: 60%
Do the above but end up fucking anyway: 85%
Aria tries to tell Ezra what she’s been up to (the only reasonable thing anyone has attempted on this show lately), but can’t because Ezra is too busy with his business selling all of those physical books and angrily-poured coffees.
Toby, the world’s greatest detective, is really chill about arresting that dog that got off its leash and started riding a bicycle. He casually tries to break up with Spencer, and she suggests he move to Hawaii with her so he’ll feel that much more of a loser when she dumps him for some surfer bro before orientation is over. Caleb texts. Toby is mad that they’re doing the police work that neither Toby nor the rest of the Justice League can be bothered to do. Toby leaves. End scene.
Chances that Spencer and Caleb end up fucking: Now squarely at 200%
Ted told Hanna that he wanted him, her and Ashley to be “a family,” which is a creepy fucking thing to say to a 17 yr old whose dad is still alive. Pastor Ted proposes by, idk, baking a ring that he almost certainly can’t afford through conventional means (foreshadowing?) into a cookie? Ashley is not impressed by his proposal. Hanna is not impressed by the lack of more cookies.
Caleb discovers that the storage unit is rented to… Hanna, which is again certainly not something that could easily be proven false. Do they even rent storage units to 16 yr olds? Discuss.
A likes taffy.
That fucking barrel is going to be empty when they open it next week, you know it will be.
Ashley is carrying Jason’s baby.
Holbrook has actually been working to build a case that helps the girls, hence his dalliances with Alison, who apparently can’t accomplish anything without fucking older men.
That “blond girl” that everyone keeps seeing but not actually seeing will turn out to be Noel Kahn in a wig.
Pastor Ted is A.