Welcome back betches. So you’re either here because a) you actually give a shit about this stupid show or b) you’re just checking to see what this drunk AF bitch is going to put on the internet. Either way, jambo!….. I’m from Michigan…
This episode I held back the urge to sing “At the Prom Tonight!” from Not Another Teenage Movie, and drank so much wine that I can’t see straight. Am I typing this article in wingdings? Maybe. Do I even care? Nah.
MORON IN THE CITY: HANNA
Let’s start with Hanna. Fuck it, why not.
The episode starts with Hanna being told by her mom that she isn’t allowed to go to prom and probs not commencement either. She’s like “aw does this mean we aren’t going to graduate?” Hanna you are the legit biggest dipshit in the world. You should be counting your blessings for even making it to high school. #blessed
Hanna goes to talk to Caleb about going to prom and he’s like “yeah, I’’m def not going.” He tells her that he is going to New York to chill with his Dad and Hanna immediately assumes he is lying. Like, why would anyone associate with their fathers on PLL? Every dad on this show is either a) absent, b) a cheater or c) a possible murderer. Someone on PLL’s writing staff clearly has daddy issues.
So obviously, Hanna snoops around in Caleb’s shit and finds a massive laptop in his suitcase. She’s like “what’s with the computer Caleb?” And he lies. Want to know how I know he lies? Because everyone on this fucking show is the worst liar in the goddamn world. Seriously.
Hanna: Where are you going Caleb?
Caleb: Errrr….uhhhhh……lemme think……oh! Uh, New York! With my….uh, Dad?
Hanna doesn’t trust Caleb, so she decides to call his Dad and check up on him- because that’s not fucking bizarre at all. And, woahhhh plot twist- Caleb is lying. Hanna assumes that Caleb must be out risking his life for her and trying to catch A. Because it’s not like Caleb has a life outside of Hanna- I mean, we all saw how Ravenswood worked out.
We catch up with Hanna again at the bullshit-prom in Spencer’s backyard, where she is dressed as a zombie milk-maid. Her eyeliner looks like Jenna’s blind-ass must have applied it, and she’s wearing knee high combat boots that she clearly borrowed from Emily. I can’t tell if she’s going to prom or replacing Kate Upton as the spokesperson for that stupid “Game of War” app.
Hanna’s asking Quasimodo/Toby if he can track down Caleb using his police connections and he’s like “why don’t you just trust him?” and she’s like…. Okay have you ever seen this show? This is why you’re a fucking guest star Toby and not a regular, bye.
The girls figure out that Ali has ditched and decided to go to prom in pursuit of A. So obviously, they aren’t going to just chill in the fucking barn. They all decide to go to prom: 4 pathological liars, one former cop and a statutory rapist. #squadgoals
Caleb surprises Hanna at prom and he tells her that he actually went to New York to find a job. And he did! A job that pays enough for Hanna’s tuition and a house in New York City! What luck! Once Hannah figures out that Caleb is her full-time bitch and is going to pay all her bills, she immediately starts making out with him. Ugh, I liked Caleb better when he was homeless.
Caleb: We’re moving to the Big Apple!
Hanna: Ohhhh, I love apples!
Caleb: Thank god you’re pretty.
PITY DATES DON’T DESCRIMINATE BY SEXUALITY: EMILY
Obvi, Emily gets the news that they aren’t allowed at prom and she’s a little perturbed. They called and they were like, “Emily, we can’t invite you, because I think you’re a lesbian.” I mean they can’t have a lesbian at the prom. There are gonna be girls there in their *short dresses*. I mean, right? She is a LESBIAN.
Emily and Sarah are hanging out and Sarah is sporting her usual raccoon inspired make-up when Emily decides to ask her to prom. But Sarah’s obviously a popular lesbian because she got asked by her friend from home already and can’t go. Emily’s bummed out and Sarah’s like “this is so awkward, bye.” That leaves Emily, going alone to her bullshit-prom like she’s Steven fucking Glandsberg.
Emily goes to hang out with Hanna and instead casually ends up chillin with Ms. Marin. She’s telling Emily about this necklace her great grandmother gave her that she wore to prom, and how she is going to give it to Hanna. Why the fuck are you wearing a family heirloom to a high-school dance where most people have sex in the back of limos or spike the punch? I’m sure this isn’t what you Nana had in mind when she gave you the goddamn necklace. But I though the old lady dropped it in the ocean in the end? Nah, it’s on her granddaughter’s neck at her high school prom.
Emily tells Ms. Marin that they are probably gonna all wear sweats to this BS prom and Ms. Marin is like “nooooo, you should all dress up.” So they’re like, okay fuck it. Let’s wear gowns and eat nachos in a barn. Whatever.
They go to take pictures for and that’s when we see that Emily is dressed in a Sexy-Malificent costume that you can find online for $29.99. Hey, at least it’s not flannel.
They go to prom and we can’t tell if it’s a high school prom or the fucking Great Hall in Harry Potter. I mean seriously, what’s the goddam budget for these Rosewood proms? Like a million dollars? Rosewood cares more about a stupid high school dance than whether or not their teaching staff/cops are fucking 17 year olds.
Sarah shows up to prom wearing an argyle sweater that is cut in the shape of a fucking halter dress and the two lesbo’s dance the night away, leaving a rainbow trail in their wake. Sarah is like “Emily, no matter what happens, I care about you” and Emily just smiles because she’s a dumbass. What do you mean, “no matter what happens”? Emily, come out of your vagina-induced coma and figure this shit out.
23 JUMPSTREET: ARIA AND CLARK
Aria’s sitting in Ezra’s coffee shop with the Liars, discussing how much it sucks that they can’t go to prom. Aria- the girl who fucked her teacher for years and takes pictures of toys for a hobby- is the only voice of reason and is like “remember the last prom we had an Charles tried to murder us?” Does no one remember that, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Aria then decides to call Everyone Hates Chris/Clark like a zillion times to chat about how all her friends think he is A and Ezra is like….ehhh idk if that’s a good idea. Oh go make me a fucking coffee Ezra and shut the fuck up.
Aria’s mom comes in and is like “have you checked your emails?!” Uh no, but clearly you have? Do you seriously have parental control over her emails but never figured out that she was boning a teacher? But anyway, turns out the people in the photo contest are as fucked up as Aria is and think her pictures of dolls are amazing and have given her an internship in LA. She’ll be a photographer for the Toys’R’Us website or some shit.
Aria’s starts freaking out and saying how she can’t leave Rosewood and her friends and all this other bullshit, and Aria’s mom is like “you need a sandwich.” Aria’s like, dafuq? I’m not Hanna, you don’t need to feed me to shut me up.
Watching Aria get all stressed out has given Ezra the weirdest boner and he’s like wait, I’ll go to prom with you. He says he didn’t want to go to a prom with his former students, but now that it’s just in a barn, he’ll fuckin be there. It’s easy to forget that the Liars are also his former students, because they never fucking go to class.
Aria is dressed in a skater-skirt and crop-top ensemble that makes her look like a skanky Snow White. The whole outfit looks like it was stolen from Taylor Swift’s closet. Does no one just shop at Macy’s for their fucking prom dress? I mean really.
When the Liars show up at prom, Clark is there. Clark is taking pictures of the prom, which is essentially what he’ll be doing for the remainder of his life, since he’s a fucking photography major. It’s all prom and graduation photos from here on out, buddy. Aria’s like “why didn’t you answer my calls?” and Clark is like “why are you so obsessed with me?”
Aria and Ezra start dancing, because protecting their friend Ali is so much easier to do when you’re sucking face with your boyfriend and slow dancing. Aria’s still a bit on edge about A being at prom and Ezra is like, chill the fuck out plz. He tells her that he will protect her and the viewing audience at home rolls their eyes. You’re going to protect her, Ezra? What are you going to do? Throw a fucking book at A? Make him an extra hot cup of coffee?
Aria confronts Ezra about the ticket she found earlier that said Ezra was flying to LA. She’s like, tbh I really don’t want you to come to LA with me. She starts talking about how she needs to do this alone, blah blah (even though 30 minutes ago she was wailing on and on about how she can’t go) and Ezra is like, wtf are you talking about?
Turns out, Ezra is going to Thailand to do habitat for humanity and the flight to LA is a connecting flight. Aria pretends to be super fucking stoked for him, even though she’s secretly upset that he’s not following her across the country- because she like practically invented him, ya know? Ezra is real excited as well because he’ll get to travel and hang out with a bunch of underage foreign girls. Maybe he’ll teach them English, if you know what I mean.
Ali starts to wander off with the redcoat person, and Clark/the Liars take off after her. Clark reaches into his pocket and shows us his gun. WOAH, that escalated quickly…. I mean that really got out of hand fast.
The Liars capture Clark and lizard-wonder boy Toby confiscates his weapon. Clark is like, you got me, I’m a fucking cop. He shows them his badge and is like “okay well while y’all were finger poppin each other’s assholes back there, you friend escaped.” Clark will now be referred to only as Undercover Brother.
Emily’s being super cunty about the whole thing to Aria and is like “did you know that he was a cop?” Obviously not Emily. Aria fucking sits around and takes pictures of dolls all day, you really think she has figured out the undercover officers in this show?
SPENCER IS LIKE, SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
Spencer is arguing with her mom about the whole promgate thing and she’s like “well shit, we’re basically having prom in Melissa’s storage closet.” LOL, sucks to suck.
Spencer goes to meet up with Toby, whose face looks like a fucking topographical map of Arizona. Turns out Lorenzo and Toby are both suspended from the force indefinitely- Toby for getting stoned AF while on duty, and Lorenzo for getting his shit stolen by an underage girl. Honestly, this whole thing seems like a step in the right direction for Rosewood PD. Spencer is trying to be a martyr and say that she’ll go in and take all the blame for the drugs but it’s not her fault Toby couldn’t stop fucking shoving his face with edibles.
Spencer: Let me go in! Let me explain.
Lorenzo: Don’t take this the wrong way, but go fuck yourself.
Lorenzo and Spencer meet up at Ezra’s coffeeshop, the resident haven for underage girls and older male relationships. Spencer asks Lorenzo how is arm is and he’s like “still attached.” Lorenzo acts like he got bit by a shark instead of getting hit with a fastball by A.
Spencer tries to convince Lorenzo to take Ali back and Lorenzo is like, are you fucking insane? Spencer tries to tell him that Ali “didn’t think it through” and it’s like, no. Stealing someone’s identity and breaking into a police station seems like, pretty well planned.
Spencer: I know how you feel. She’s manipulated me, ruined my life and fucked me over so many times…..
Lorenzo: Yeah, that’s really not helping your case here
Spencer tries to stop Ali from trying to meet A and Ali is like, why are you doing this? We’re like not even friends. Which is like, way harsh Tai. But also, like the most legitimate thing to ever come out of Ali’s pig face. Spencer is so shocked by this “revelation” that she let’s Ali go face a murderer and decides to go dance with her boyfriend instead.
Spencer is whining to Toby about Ali and is more upset about that than the fact that she got her bf fired from his job. Priorities. She starts talking about her valedictorian speech, that she can no longer give because she can’t go to commencement, and how it was written about a sweet man whose face looks like it was it hit asteroids- aka Toby. And then they start making out. Ew, make it stop. My eyes, my eyes!
When they go to confront Clark, Toby takes the weapon and is like “I’m an officer.” LOL not anymore Tobz. Spencer winces in the background like, shit, my b.
Lorenzo shows up and all of them decide to split up to find Ali. All they end up finding is a broken mirror and Ali’s phone, so they assume she’s missing. They all seem upset, but you know Spencer is like secretly so fucking happy that bitch is gone.
OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?- ALISON
We see Alison first, modeling her new Sunday brunch outfit from Ann Taylor Loft while sipping tea and looking depressed. Her friends are talking about prom and then her ex, Lorenzo walks in. He gives her a dirty look, and clearly he’s still like a bit mad about the whole “stealing from you and making you lose your job” thing. Some people are so touchy.
Ali gets a text from Charles telling her that she needs to go to the school prom, and she needs to go alone. Unless you’re Freddie Prinze Jr. circa “She’s All That”, everyone knows that bringing your sister to prom is social suicide.
Ali get’s a phone call later that night and no one is on the line, so she assumes it’s Charles. She tells Charles that she can’t go to prom and then some creepy person from behind a window gets angry and takes off. Why haven’t any of these girls invested in a fucking set of blinds? Or curtains? Or just, close their fucking windows? Why is this so difficult?
Ali: Charles it’s you!
Ali: Charles talk to me!
Phone Caller: *automated voice* Hello, I am calling to speak to the homeowner…
Ali: Ugh fucking telemarketer.
Ali goes to the barn prom for a hot minute, waves to Hanna’s mom, and then takes off, with Redcoat following her. When she walks into prom, they are playing “Distrubia” by Rihanna and because apparently it’s 2008 in Rosewood.
Ali’s wearing a yellow dress looks like it was ironed on to her body, with make-up that makes her look like one of Aria’s creepy dolls. Coincidence? I think not. I see what you did, you stupid fucking people in the PLL costume department.
Ali’s getting texts all night telling her to find someone in a red cape with a wolf mask on, because that’s not fucking terrifying. She’s going up to all these random people and is like “are you Charles?” and they’re like “no this is Patrick.”
When Spencer tries to stop Ali from confronting Charles, Ali is like “I have to find out why he hates me!” Well Charles should just take a fucking number because everyone fucking hates you Ali. You ruin lives. You’re a life-ruiner!
Ali follows some red coat into the maze in search of the Tri-Wizard Tournament Cup, and instead runs into A. She tries to go up and awkwardly hug A at first, and it’s like, why would you do that? He’s trying to murder you, not fucking cuddle you.
Ali starts getting strangled by A but then it cuts to a scene where Ali and A are walking in a tunnel. Ali’s begging for her life and A’s like, look I really DGAF. A/redcoat/whoever the fuck it is, decides to take of their wolf-mask and all Ali can say is “Omg, it’s you.”
NOT A REGULAR MOM, BUT A LAW-BREAKING, BINGE DRINKING MOM
All the moms decided to make parenting the hip new thing on PLL and came back for a full episode. Could you imagine if all the Dads on PLL got back together and hung out? They would be talking about child abandonment, murder and probably drinking scotch as old as their mistresses. That sounds like my kind of party.
There are cops posted outside the barn-prom at Spencer’s so the mom’s decide, fuck it, lets get drunk. The moms decide to turn-up and shit talk everyone in their shitty town.
Spencer’s mom, the obvious killjoy of the group, starts talking her husband’s affair with Jessica DiLaurentis and how the body was dug up by a fucking dog in their backyard. Like woah, Mrs. Hastings, that’s a little heavy for our barn-prom pregame. Hanna’s mom tries to comfort Mrs. Hastings by complimenting her cookie car, because all the Marin family cares about is food.
Emily’s mom chimes in and is like “wait, what if this isn’t all Charles?” and she immediately throws Kenneth, Ali’s dad under the bus. Spencer’s mom is every drunk sorority girl in the bar trying to get a guy- “Kennnnnnnethhhh, let’s talk Kennnnnnethhh!” She drunkenly walks right into his house and starts yelling for him to come out. Also, I should point out that the door is unlocked. Because there aren’t any murderers in this town.
They are trying to find Kenneth, and even though his drink is out and his car is in the driveway, he’s not there. They start digging through shit that’s not theirs, a trait they undoubtedly passed down to their daughters, and they find a picture of Jessica and two blonde boys. They’re like “oh shit, that must be Charles.” Well, aren’t you all smart.
They turn around and see Christian, the hot blonde guy from last episode, and he’s like the fuck is happening rn. He’s asking where Kenneth is and the mom’s are speechless just starring at him like he is speaking Taiwanese. Though he does make my ovaries tingle, he’s shady AF.
Christian: What’s up ladies, my name’s Slim Shady, I’m the lead account executive of The Caraseemi group, baby.
Mom’s: Oh my god, it’s him. Becky, omfg it’s Christian!
Christian: these chicks don’t even know the name of my banddddd
Hanna’s mom is like “that’s the guy Hanna thinks is related to Charles” and Aria’s mom is like “well your daughter is retarded, that obviously is Charles.” They hear a noise from the basement and Spencer’s mom starts bulldozing her way down there, calling for Kenneth repeatedly. The moms in this show are damn near dumber than the daughters, though way more entertaining, and all start going down into the basement.
Emily’s mom is as big of a bitch as Emily is and is like “we shouldn’t be doing this” etc, when suddenly, the basement door closes, trapping the moms inside. The lights go out, and none of the moms have phone or are finding any way of getting out. Ms. Marin is like “how did our daughters do this?” Idk bitch, but you’re gonna learn today.
Next week is the season finale, and let me tell you, I’m thrilled. I am going to have a much-needed detox after having to damn near get my stomach pumped every Tuesday night. Will we find out who A is? Probably not. Will the mom’s escape? Does it matter, they are only in like, one episode a season. Auf Wiedersehen, assholes!