IT’S LIKE STEALING A BADGE FROM AN IDIOT: ALI
The episode starts with all the Liars sitting around and watching the news involving Charles and the whole A investigation. The news is speculating that Charles may have killed her mother, and everyone is avoiding looking at Ali because talking about her murderous family, omg so awk.
Ali’s dressed in the cutest cardigan that Target offers and trying to defend her brother to her friends. She’s like “I met him once when I was 3 and he gave me his cake frosting, HOW DID HE TURN EVIL?” Well shit Ali, I didn’t know that exposing a young child to processed sugar is a fucking sign of character. I wonder how many secretly evil people Hanna has met in her years of gorging her face.
Ali: You guys, he isn’t a bad guy.
Hanna: He kidnapped and tortured us.
Ali: ugh, everyone is like, so sensitive.
Ali swears that she knows Charles like, super well, but Hanna tells Ali to pull her head out of her bleached asshole and just be honest- her brother is a fucking murderer. Build a goddam bridge Ali, and get the fuck over it.
Ali is reunited with chocolate-thunder Lorenzo, who is looking like Marlon Wayans pre-“White Chicks” transformation but with a wayyyyyy deeper V neck. He’s got a snazzy little arm sling, because he hurt his shoulder. Hey, Lorenzo? You know what’s good for shoulder pan? When you lick my butthole.
Lorenzo: Wow Ali, it must be hard, knowing that your own brother is a murderer
Ali: Thanks for bringing it up again, really.
Ali’s just SO upset that Lorenzo got hurt that she makes him soup and pampers him at his beck and call. He hurt his shoulder, he’s not a goddam cripple. He and Ali exchange some kisses and it’s like, is this the summer of answers or the summer of interracial romances? Really, we get it ABC Family.
Lorenzo tells Ali that a profiler has been called into the police station and she’s like WHAT THE FUCK. Ali, at this point they could recruit Sherlock Holmes and your teenage brother would STILL outsmart them. It’s official, A is the smartest person alive. Charles was the first in his class at Princeton, has an I.Q. of 187, and it’s been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time…from his fourth grade paper.
Lorenzo tells Ali that she can leave and she’s like mmmmno, probs not. So Lorenzo’s stupid ass drifts to sleep, leaving an underage girl he barely knows in his apartment. Goodnight sweet prince.
Of course, Ali’s not completely challenged and decides to steal Lorenzo’s access card to break into the police station. Seems far-fetched, right? Who breaks into a police station, right? Cue next scene where Ali is chilling in a conference room in the station with pictures of her brother everywhere.
Ali is rummaging through the evidence box like it’s a sales rack at Macy’s when Sargent Tanner comes in. Her literally words are “You’ve crossed the line young lady”. That’s a weird way of saying “you’ve broken the law, Ali.” Damn you autocorrect.
Tanner starts scolding Alison and Alison is like “I didn’t touch anything,” as she puts down the evidence bag she is holding. Ali says that the shit in the evidence bag is actually hers, and Tanner is like “that’s because you’re his first victim.” How very profound of you Tanner. She then tells Ali that they will subdue Charles with “lethal force” if need be. Ali can’t believe that the murderer she’s known for a totally of 3 minutes may die, and she starts freaking out. Also, what fantastic police work on the part of Officer Tanner.
Tanner: When we see your brother, we’re gonna shoot the shit out of him.
Ali: But isn’t there supposed to be a trial and….
Tanner: Shhhhh child, no no.
The worst part is that ABC Family hashtags it “#JusticeforA”- who runs this network? Donald Trump? Where “justice” is defined as shoot first, ask questions later?
Ali goes back to Lorenzo’s place to return his stolen shit and he’s a tad upset. Ali’s trying to explain to him that the police are trying to kill her brother and he’s like- bitch, I am the goddam police. I’m the fucking law.
Lorenzo: You’re stealing from me? We partied together, man. You bought us Taco Bell.
Ali: Lorenzo, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.
Lorenzo: You made me this friendship bracelet…. I’m gonna cut this the fuck off! I hate you!
In the end, Lorenzo is like “I can’t believe this happened to me” and it’s like that’s what you get for fucking a teenager, dawg. If she steals your police badge, she’s too young for you, bro.
THE EPISODE WHERE EMILY BEATS AROUND THE BUSH *NOT A VAGINA
Emily is hanging out with Aria in her room, getting ready for this stupid art gallery thing. They start talking about prom and it’s like- wait, what? Prom hasn’t happened yet? It’s fucking July. Is Rosewood actually a city in Australia? Why are their seasons so different? Whatever, I’m too old to give a shit.
According to Emily, the school board emailed the Liar’s parents and said that they couldn’t go to prom because of all the danger they are in. Aria flips out because c’mon! It’s prom! And a school that bans formals is a school that bans life. Summer Height High, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Aria asks Emily to the prom and Emily is like, actually I want to take Sarah. You know, the girl who looks like Aaron Carter from last episode?
Emily: I want to take Sarah to prom.
Aria: Woah, dream big.
Emily: Oh, go fly a kite!
Aria and Sarah start talking about Sarah, ugh whyyyyyy. Aria’s like “has she even been to a school dance?” “has she even been on a date?” “Can she even read?” Emily’s so pussy-whipped that she doesn’t care about any of these things and is like, whatever. She’s going to prom with me, bye.
When Spencer and Hanna come to the art gallery late, Emily comes in like a pissed off soccer mom. She’s real upset that they showed up late, but they explain that the reason they are late is because they were following a murderer. Oh, okay then. All is forgiven.
Emily: How dare you be 10 seconds late!!! This art gallery is showing the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe. Does that mean anything to you?
They show Emily a picture of a guy and Emily’s like “why are you showing me pictures of Jason?” Turns out, it’s not Jason. It’s murderer dude they were stalking. And suddenly, murderer guy appears at the art gallery. Fate. The decide to follow him and Emily’s like “but wait, I already told my mommy I was on my way home!” Oh pull out your tampon and quit being a little bitch Emily. We haven’t seen your mom in like 5 episodes anyways.
When they follow the dude, they discover that Everyone Hates Chris/Clark (Aria’s token black friend) is there too. Is he part of the A team? Who am I kidding, everyone is a part of the A team. I’m A.
Emily has to tell Aria about Clark being sketchy and she does it in the most beat-around-the-bush way possible.
Emily: Uh, you know your friend Clark? Maybe he’s like not a friend, ya know? Like, just maybe. Idk though.
HANNA HAS A BF
When the Liars are all watching the news, and Ali’s going off about how she actually gives a shit about Charles, Hanna officially loses her shit. The other liars are giving her looks and telling her to calm down, but Hanna’s in full-blown rant mode.
The Liars: Hanna, be nice to Ali.
Hanna: NEWSFLASH YOU STUPID COCKS, HER BROTHER TRIED TO FUCKING MURDER US. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to tell me if you’re mentally slow.
Hanna storms out of room, in hot pursuit of a cookie or something that will stop her current transformation into the goddam hulk.
She meets up with her mom and is still trying to convince her to give back the money she got “as a scholarship” because it’s probs from Charles. Her mom is like “why tf would he give us this in the first place?” To which Hanna responds, “Charles giveith so he can takeith.” Okay Shakespeare, he’s a fucking teenage boy, not God.
Hanna’s mom convinces Hanna that “after all she’s been through, she needs to go college.” And it’s like, no bitch, she needs to go see goddam therapist.
Hanna and Spencer are hanging out, discussing this bullshit scholarship some more. Hanna is asking some fucking retarded questions like “isn’t this illegal?” and “can’t we get a warrant?” Spencer is like, wtf no, to which Hanna responds “I object”– which is a slogan that Hanna only thinks exists in Legally Blonde.
Hanna: Is college credit like when you go to class and get money for it?
Spencer: Oh, you were being serious.
They decide to go give the money back to the corporation and just kinda waltz into an executive’s office. Hanna’s thinking that the whole room is bugged and starts freaking out. As she is freaking out, a hot guy comes in. He literally looks like an Abercrombie model version of Christian Grey, and if they weren’t so convinced that he is evil, they would think he’s sexy AF.
His name is Rhyss, which sounds way too Game of Thrones-ish for me, so I’m just gonna call him Christian, and he’s a little bit creepy tbh. They try to convince Christian to give the scholarship to someone else and he’s like, mmmm no can do. He’s like, maybe I’ll mention this whole thing to my boss, maybe not.
Hanna: “Why can’t you give the scholarship to someone else?” Hanna whispered, staring up into soft grey eyes.
Christian: Because I’m fifty shades of psycho-killer, Hanna.
Hanna takes a picture of Christian no-so-subtly and is like, laters baby. They both leave and are like “he looks like a DiLaurentis.” So basically, they are thinking the just met Charles. Damn, that was easy.
Hanna shows up to the art gallery looking like she just stepped out of a 1990’s GAP catalog in the fuglist turtle neck ensemble ever. When they are outside, Hanna looks around and recognizes Christian, from like 80 ft away and at a 27-degree angle, in a black car. They all decide to follow him out to an abandoned doll factory. Why are there so many abandoned buildings in this town? Does anyone fucking work/live here?
They all meet up later to discuss shit that went down, and they are all talking about the whole Charles/A thing, again.
Liars: Hanna, you should apologize to Ali.
Hanna: I’m not apologizing. Ever. Not even in a fire!
SPENCER AND THE ADVENTURES OF A NON-EXISTANT PLOTLINE
So last week, we left off with Spencer getting Toby stoned AF resulting in the riveting fight where A and the cops legit threw baseballs at each other. This week, we learn that Toby is still pissed at Spencer about that. That ungrateful little shit.
Spencer joins Hanna in her quest to return her scholarship money, holding back the urge to jump off the nearest building every time Hanna says something stupid.
They meet up with Christian, who asks Spencer if she would like the scholarship that Hanna is giving up, and she’s like “Oh no, I have money.” How dare you mistake her for a povo, right?
Spencer’s episode is pretty fucking boring since all she does is follow Hanna around like a puppy dog, which leads her to ending up at the fucking doll factory. She’s there to see Christian look around to see that the coast is clear, then enter the building. And she sees Chris/Clark look around first, and then enter the building as well. Both of this guys blatantly miss the fact that a random car a) followed them there and b) is sitting there and openly watching them.
Pre-requisite to being on the A team: you’ve got to be blind.
ARIA THE DATELESS WONDER
Aria and Everyone Hates Chris/Clark are chilling in Ezra’s café while Clark plays the most morbid game of 20 questions. Ezra creepily listens in, pretending make a coffee or whatever the fuck it is he does now.
When Clark leaves, Ezra is like, who the fuck is that that guy and Aria’s like, someone’s jelly. Ezra says some bullshit about how he is “suspicious of everyone these days” and that makes sense because he was A once- he totally gets how shady everyone is.
Aria is telling Ezra how her mommy won’t let her go to the art gallery because she doesn’t think its safe- but she’ll let her go to statutory rapist’s coffee-shop and hang out with a creepy guy she barely knows. Ezra is like “I’ll be your bodyguard” and Aria’s like “is that a sex thing….?” And then is like, wait that’s genius. Not all heroes wear capes- they also brew coffee and fuck their students.
The other members of the Montgomery family are on rotation for who gets to be in the show, and it’s Ella’s turn. We have a new mother today on the show, all the way from episode 2! Jambo!
Police chief Tanner comes over and is looking at Aria’s pictures, deciding if they are worth having police officers protect her over, clearly. She’s like “wow Aria, you have a keen and artistic eye.” Oh now Tanner is some kind of fucking art connoisseur? Simmer down Picasso and quit trying to act like you’re anything but a fucking cop. I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Tanner says that she can have officers guard Aria at the art show, and immediately after that, the screen pans to two people watching Aria- A and redcoat. Yes, Redcoat has returned to fuck shit up.
Aria and Emily are talking about prom when Emily says that the school board doesn’t want the Liars to attend. Aria flips her shit and is like “NO THEY CAN’T DO THAT”. Don’t worry Aria, they won’t. It’s ABC Family- they fucking live for prom episodes.
They are talking about dates, and after Aria gets turned down by her lesbian friend (embarrassing), Emily’s like “you should take Clark”. Aria thinks about it and is like, nah, we’re just friends. Basically meaning, Aria is going stag to prom. Looooooser.
She meets up with Ezra at the art gallery and together they are the worst dressed couple since Britney/Justin denim era. Ezra is wearing a shirt with a spider print on it and Aria is wearing a dress with green ballerinas. I’m going to vomit.
Anyway, Aria asks Ezra to prom and he’s like…..uhhhh, no and surprise! I brought a date here – it’s Emily’s friend Nicole from a few episodes back. ALSO YOU CANNOT BRING YOUR FORMER ENGLISH TEACHER TO PROM. YOU JUST CAN’T.
Aria: I have someone else I can ask anyway.
Ezra: Really, who?
Aria: Um…this guy George…..Glass.
Clark shows up and Aria’s shocked to see him, even though he was invited. He tells some bullshit lie about this being “his first gallery” and Aria keeps asking him why no one is here to support him. She’s like, “oh man, no one is here for you? God that sucks so much. You must feel so unloved.” Empathy is overrated.
Aria: Clark, what are you doing here?
Clark: I am the token black guy. I’m just supposed to smile and stay out of the conversation and say things like: “Damn,” “Shit,” and “That is whack.”
Clark is acting real weird and dips out right before Aria’s photos are shown. When the photos are revealed, it’s clear that A switched them out and put pictures of the Liars unconscious instead.
Tanner is reading the name of the artwork- “Stolen Dolls”- and also notices an excerpt in Spanish that reads “not your, Linda.” Detective Tanner is like, this is a note for me. A knows that I speak Spanish and this is a message for me to understand. Fuck Linda, it’s not always about you.
Aria’s mom flips out at Tanner and is like WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO CATCH HIM AND WHY ARE YOUR BODYGUARDS SO SHITTY. Which is fair- I’ve seen better body-guarding in “Project X.” Tanner is insulted and dips out.
Ezra catches up with Aria and tells her that he and Nicole weren’t on a date. He is talking to her about Habitat for Humanity because he is thinking of going. Because he looooooves peace. Are you into peace?
Ezra: This stunt with A tonight was out of pure desperation.
Aria: I would know all about desperation since I asked a guy wearing a shirt covered in insects to prom.
She tells Ezra about being drugged in the A cave and how it was so cold and it reminded her of Iceland. Then she goes off on a tangent that start with “this one time, in Iceland”. She says that she is constantly haunted by that feeling and she “is freezing all the time.” Beware the frozen heart.
Aria’s mom and Hanna’s mom meet up later that night and talk about how much the police suck donkey dick. Ella has the worst fake cry ever and is like “but, what, do, we, do!?” Hire an acting coach? Idk.
While they are talking, A is watching from the shadows, per usual. The episode ends with A and Redcoat getting together, preparing their matching purple tuxedos- because those two bitches are going to prom.
See you fucks next week, where the Liars and all the murdering, kidnapping, stalking friends go to prom. Formals bring hope- they give poor people something to live for! Formals bring people (and murderers) together.