Welcome back to another week of watching high school kids suffer through issues that are well beyond their age. No, this isn’t Degrassi (tbt), it’s Pretty Little Liars.
EMILY HAS A BIG FAT LESBIAN CRUSH ON YOU
Our episode opens with the Liars hovering around Ali as she looks more drugged than Spencer can hope to ever be. She’s finally just realized that Charles is her brother and now she has to tell that to her shitty, insensitive friends.
Ali: Charles is my brother
Emily: Why didn’t he live with you then?
Ali: idk ask Spencer, she has experience in this kind of thing
Emily is still fostering the stray dog Sarah, played by an actress that the casting director must have picked while heavily sedated. I mean seriously, whoever is acting as Sarah, go back to your day job of serving at Chili’s, please dear god.
Sarah is messing with her new fugly pixie cut, realizing the huge mistake she’s made by cutting it, and Emily is trying desperately to make her keep it. Maybe if she maintains a four-inch long haircut, she will magically enjoy vaginas. A girl can dream.
Emily’s mom comes in and suggests that they go to therapy and Sarah is like- brb going to take a shower. We’ve all used that excuse while texting a guy we don’t like- we say we’re gonna take a shower & come back, then we don’t respond for 3 years and randomly see him at The Coffee Bean. It’s textbook code for “please get the fuck away from me.” Emily’s mom DGAF about Sarah’s weird need for hygiene and is like- well, at least you’re going to counseling, Emily. Womp womp.
Later, they’re discussing plans for obtaining Charles’ medical records, Hanna says that she is going to tell Caleb about it, which makes Emily freak the fuck out. Everyone tells Emily to basically pull out her tampon and stop being such a little bitch. Hanna finally starts to make legitimate sense and gives us faith in born-again fat girls everywhere (looking at you Khloe Kardashian.)
Emily: You telling Caleb all this stuff might hurt Sarah!!!
Hanna: I don’t know Sarah and I don’t care. I will not hear it and I won’t respond to it.
The next time we see Emily, she can easily be confused with “IceBox” from “Little Giants” because she is wearing a goddam flannel for a fucking skirt. Honestly, fashion department of ABC Family, we get it- she’s a lesbian. You might as well tattoo a fucking vagina on her forehead at this point, since you make her wear so much fucking flannel and camo throughout this series.
Emily confronts Hanna with the fact that Hanna is the one who basically forced them into therapy. God forbid your friend be worried about you nowadays.
Emily: Did you tell Dr. Sullivan we need therapy?
Hanna: Bitch, I might be.
When Emily comes home from all this shit, her mom is wanting to have a secret shit-talk sesh about Sarah, leaving us to think Emily’s mom is the betchiest one on the show. Apparently she came home and Sarah was sitting on the roof, looking up at the stars like Simba staring at lion kings of the past.
She suggests that Sarah shouldn’t stay with them because she has some serious fucking issues going on that they cannot handle. Emily begs her not to because Bruce/Paige is gone and Emily is getting supz horny lately and thus needs Sarah around. However, Sarah hears everything because no one in this fucking town shuts their doors or windows- because being kidnapped wasn’t enough to change that habit.
Sarah runs away in the middle of the night, leaving her twin bed that’s shoved in the corner of Emily’s room empty. Wait? Have they been sharing a room this whole time? Does the Fields family not have a fucking guest bedroom or are they seriously trying to force Sarah into homosexuality? Well this will be as close Emily ever gets to a roommate because we all know these old fuckers are never going to graduate highschool/go to college.
Straight out of “Homeward Bound”, Sarah returns with her tail in between her legs, looking like the lead singer of “My Chemical Romance” wearing an old Billabong sweatshirt. Going home was a bust Sarah says, and she admits that she doesn’t want to go to therapy, even though she is clearly fucked up. Emily tries to sympathize and says she “understands what Sarah has been through”.
Emily: I understand Sarah, I get it.
Sarah: You were in the cave for like 3 weeks, I was there for 2 years.
Emily: Shhhhh, just let me hold you.
Finally, the girls escape to a hidden pool in the woods. Because hanging out with crazy lesbians in pools (throwback to Bruce/Paige) and going into the woods alone (throwback to being kidnapped) has always worked out so fucking well for Emily.
Sarah: We shouldn’t be out here alone
Emily: We’re okay I promise.
Sarah: Well we have both been kidnapped so fuck you
They play a game of “who can hold their breath the longest” and it lasts a full 2 seconds. Fucking thrilling television right here. Sarah spills her little guts out to Emily about how much she loves her and the sexual tension is thicker than Sarah’s eyeliner.
ARIA TRAPPED IN THE PHOTO CLOSET
We see Aria first wearing a gaudy gold necklace that looks like it should have been buried with King Tut. She’s looking at her photos and her dad comes in for the first time this season. LOL @ parenting. He tries to talk to her about her ordeal in the cave, but she’s like- where tf were you three episodes ago and blows him off. Then he takes the different approach of asking her if she wants to see a movie or go mini golfing. Is this a parenting heart-to-heart or a first date with a Match.com suitor?
She tells her dad that she is going to the dark room to develop her photos and he’s like “please don’t go alone” and Aria is like whatever Dad. See you in two more episodes, asshole.
When Spencer discovers that Radley has some of Charles’ medical records saved, they all meet up to discuss it. Spencer informs them that they can get those medical records, which confuses Aria.
Aria: We can’t just walk into a medical center and ask for information
Spencer: This is Rosewood, we can do fucking anything
Aria then tells Spencer that she threw out all her drugs because they gave her headaches, never noticing how badly Spencer wants to jump over the table and beat the shit out of her for that. Ignorance is bliss in this friendship.
When they finally get into the medical center (we’ll touch up on that in a minute), Aria is the person who finds Jason’s files. Last week she was the one who found the picture in a fucking button jar, can anyone fucking locate things in this goddam town besides Aria?
When they leave the medical center, Aria has a fucking zillion calls from her dad who thinks she has probably been kidnapped again. Ugh, Dad not now, I’m breaking and entering, please let me live my life!
Eventually, Aria goes to that dark room to develop her photos and has a flashback from her time with A. Turns out, A is the one who cut off all her hair- we knew that fucking stylist hated her. A then wanted Aria to dye it pink- clearly not knowing that the whole “bright color hair dye” thing is in rn. There is no worse torture than a white girl losing all her hair- s/o to Cersei Lannister.
She starts to have a panic attack and tries to leave the dark room, but the fucking door is shut. She’s screaming at the top of her lungs and then some guy opens the door. Turns out the guy’s name is Clark and he basically looks like the kid from “Everyone Hates Chris” grew up and decided to wear leather necklaces. Clark says he doesn’t know who was in there before, but whoever it was blocked the door. Classic.
He tells her that he wants to work for National Geographic, which is code for saying “I’ll be taking graduation photos for the rest of my life.” He then tells Aria how much he likes her picture of the creepy A doll, which is like a sure sign that he is evil. PLL has given me so many fucking trust issues.
Aria finally comes home and cracks to her dad about how A cracked her and the other girls. Say crack again. She says that she was forced to live in a tiny room with no closet and no way out and her dad looks really concerned knowing that they will confront this issue together in another 3 episodes.
HANNA AND THE ADVENTURES OF THE STAGE 5 CLINGER
Hanna starts this episode being the voice of reason in a town full of fucking morons. When Ali says that her dad said “Charles is dead,” Hanna immediately is like BULLSHIT. She argues that in Rosewood, this shit happens all the time. People die and then they come back and they should basically never believe anyone. The Liars look at her like she is insane, but how have they not figured this out? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Caleb is at her house when she comes home and is told by Ms. Marin that he can stay the night- because she’s a cool mom, not a regular mom. When Hanna wakes up, Caleb is sitting at the window monitoring the cops outside. He’s bitching about how the cops had a ten-minute break between shifts of watching her house and how that’s not okay. Damn, Caleb might be the most beneficial member of the Rosewood PD.
Caleb: The Rosewood PD isn’t protecting you like they should be
Hanna: I could have told you that in 2011
Hanna’s not in the mood for Emily’s lesbo bullshit today and convinces the Liars to go search for Charles’ records. They are able to get into the medical center because Hanna sees a bunch of trucks loading shit there, and that they leave every fucking door open. The girls literally just fucking waltz through undetected in a medical center #RosewoodProblems.
They walk around this place that looks like the Ministry of Magic in search of these records and eventually find it. Turns out Charles has a shit ton of issues, including being super depressed and needing more meds (cue Spencer salivating in the corner).
While in Radley, Charles was visited by Ali’s mom and an aunt named Carol- because everyone in the fucking world has an aunt named Carol.
When they get out of the medical center, Caleb is there waiting for her. Hanna is like “Daaaaaaaaad, please you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends” and questions how he knew their whereabouts. Turns out, he put a tracker on her car. If it’s this easy for your own boyfriend to stalk you, then a murderer with a vendetta towards you probs has no fucking problem.
Hanna, Spencer, Ali and Jason decide to take a little vaca to Aunt Carol’s house to look for clues. While they are there, Hanna gets a call from Caleb, which she immediately DGAF about and screens. They end up finding a grave that belongs to “Charles” and Hanna doesn’t believe it’s real. Just before Hanna is about to fucking dig up a goddam corpse, Jason is like “no it has to be real- the tree roots have been growing around it for years.” UM, I’m sorry do you have a fucking degree in botany, Jason? Couldn’t that grave have been put there years ago by A?! Hanna doesn’t ask these questions though I do while yelling at the TV, finishing my first bottle of wine. Needless to say, Hanna’s streak of asking the important questions and being the sensible one is short lived.
Caleb immediately asks a shit ton of questions when Hanna get’s home and she’s beyond over it. The real question he should have been asking is about her outfit- she looks like someone who teaches underprivileged children how to ride horses for a living. However, Hanna tells Caleb to GTFO and that she needs some space, so he bounces. I wonder if this is ABC Family’s way of saying they are going bring “Ravenswood” back.
THE SHITTIEST FAMILY EVER- THE DILAURENTIS’
Ali finds out that she has another brother named Charles at beginning of the episode. Turns out her parents hid them from her and Jason, shocker. Charles was institutionalized at Radley, the hip place to be locked up for all high schoolers in Rosewood.
According to Ali’s Dad, Charles was dangerous AF and they had no other choice to lock him up for Ali/Jason’s safety. He says that they wanted them to have a normal childhood- let me know how that works out for ya. It wasn’t for lack of love necessarily, but for protection of others.
Ali’s Dad: I love all my children equally
Ali’s Dad earlier that day: I never really cared for Charles
But Charles couldn’t have tortured all these people and what not because he’s dead. He killed himself when he was 16 and therefore isn’t a threat, right? This is Ali’s logic to her friends and everyone just sits there saying “there, there sweet Alison” secretly thinking that this bitch is clearly fucking retarded.
Ali is later sitting around leisurely reading the newspaper with her dad, because she didn’t already look 35 years old, when she decides to throw in some casual icebreakers into to conversation.
Ali: What happened to my suicidal brother’s ashes?
Ali’s Dad: Let me finish reading this week’s Garfield and then we’ll talk.
Ali’s dad says that he was “cremated” but then again, this guy lied to them about his existence, it’s like not remotely believable. We can see the knobs turning in Ali’s little brain and she thinks the same thing. She decides to find Jason and hopes that maybe her weirdo brother can help her find her OTHER weirdo brother.
Jason is really fucked up over the fact that he’s been lied to, and it’s like, seriously dude take a fucking number. He says that he thinks other members of their shitty family must know about him too and has a flashback to a time he tried to hideout at Aunt Carol’s house. Apparently his mom was staying there and wouldn’t let him in. She lies in the most shitty and obvious way possible- a trademark of this whole show- and tells Jason to leave and never come back. Basically, now they all think that Charles was hiding there the whole time.
When they all go Aunt Carol’s house, Jason is the king of stating shit aloud that is happening. He’s basically narrating their whole crusade.
Jason: **opens door** I have opened the door
Jason: **tries to turn on lights** The lights are not turning on.
Ali and Jason split up and stumble upon their brothers “grave”, which is given a headstone straight out of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. Hanna is just about to dig that shit out of the ground, but they convince her not too because c’mon, have some respect for the maybe-though-it’s-not-likely dead.
Ali’s dad is waiting at home for her when she returns, petting their cat and looking like the fucking Godfather. He decides that now is a good time to tell Ali about why they sent Charles away, because she’s old enough. And he means that seriously, because Ali looks like she is pushing menopause.
Turns out Charles tried to burn/drown Ali when she was a baby- so it’s not that different than what he is trying to do now. Old habits die hard, I guess. Ali listens to her story of her almost murder and is like “let him rest in peace.” Oh shut the fuck up Ali, you go to church one time and then you’re all holy and kind? I liked you better when you were blinding people.
SPENCER TAKES A RIDE ON THE PINAPPLE EXPRESS
Spencer is easily the most interesting Liar of the group this week and that’s fucking saying something.
Spencer starts the episode by lying on the phone to a woman from Radley. She wants to know how she can get medical files for her “daughter.” Since Spencer sounds and looks like she is a mother, all of this is very believable. However, couldn’t she just have asked Jason? He’s been filing his mom’s shit for like 3 seasons. When he isn’t studying botany, he’s filing.
Ezra shows up because his “emotionally disturbed and lonely underage girl” beeper goes off and goes to talk to her. The first thing he says is “are you alone” and Spencer starts to slowly reach for her rape whistle. He tells her that he’s sorry about what she went through and that he’s sure it will all work out eventually.
Ezra: Rosewood PD will figure this out
Spencer: You’re fucking kidding right
They apparently hired this druggie baker fresh off the bus from Burning Man, and Ezra tells Spencer, a recovering addict, all about how this baker chick is always stoned. How did this guy get a fucking teaching credential?
The girl spills a cup of red juice and Spencer has a flashback to when she was in the A-cave, covered in blood. She starts to have a full-fledged panic attack and Ezra is like “here, take a blueberry muffin.”
Later that day, Spencer casually asks Aria about her drugs. I use the term casually lightly because Spencer is sweating bullets and trying to keep her voice from going to high out of excitement. But Aria fucking sucks and threw away all her drugs, leaving Spencer (not)high and dry.
Spencer decides to take a new, Derelict approach and be one with the homeless. Essentially, she fucking digs through Aria’s trash to find the drugs. And what does she find instead? No drugs, just a shit ton of corn. Seriously, is Aria from the country or something, because why do they have so much fucking corn in their trash?
Spence keeps having these flashbacks and she still isn’t sleeping well, aka effectively going insane. She decides to hit up the drug-pusher baker at Ezra’s café for some weed, and she’s like “okay yeah, I’ll share some.” Sign #1 this girl is evil: no one fucking shares their own weed with some bitch you barely know. I’ve seen a lot of far fetched shit is Rosewood but this takes the fucking cake.
The baker says she’ll make Spencer and edible and Spencer looks like she may start making out with the girl.
Spencer tells Hanna about her flashbacks and how she blacked out and woke up covered in blood. She thinks she probably murdered someone, and Hanna tells her that it’s probably A mentally fucking with her. Spencer doesn’t think that’s true, because A messing with their mind is like sooooo out of character for him!!!
She finally goes to get her high anticipated drugs and runs into Ezra, who is like not remotely concerned that his employee is running a drug dealing business in his pastry shop. He tries to talk to Spencer like they are good friends, and not like he’s the dude who was her English teacher but was actually fucking her friend and lying to them.
Ezra: I’m on Megan’s list so I can’t really judge you for your choices.
The episode ends with a computer screen showing the whereabouts of all the Liars:
1) Hanna, at her house dumping Caleb’s Jonny-Tsunami looking ass
2) Emily, having a lesbo late night skinny dip with resident psycho Sarah
3) Aria, at her house crying to her daddy about her shitty bob haircut and
4) Spencer, getting blazed and eating Taco Bell