Many apologies for being MIA for the past PLL recap, I've been traveling, tanning, and shopping through Europe. But while sunbathing on a beach in Capri I experienced a moment of sheer panic. I took out my headphones (turns out Miley could in fact stop) and screamed Is Hanna's mom really going to be wrongfully convicted of the murder of Detective Wilden!? When it became obvious that no one besides me and tween girls across America gave a shit, I decided to lower my voice, but it really got me thinking:
Let's go over the last episode, Into the Deep:
That moment when Spencer's mom, worst lawyer ever, casually says, “The bail was set to one million dollars.” She might as well have said it's a bizillion dollars and Hanna's reaction would have been the same “oh daddy can totes cover this one.” Hanna's last name might be Marin but she's Rosewoods biggest moron.
Pastor Ted: If you have faith everything will work out
Hanna: Thanks Pastor Ted you're a fuck load of help
If Pastor Ted has $100,000 laying around, why the fuck is he living in Rosewood. Who knew pastoring could be so lucrative?
Hanna's mom has a home security bracelet? Who is she, Junior Soprano?
Alex Mack your haircut is the farthest thing from cute. You look like you were molested by Little Bo Peep.
Cheesy line of the night:
Aria: I'm either spinning in circles or I'm in a constant state of free fall.
Karate Kid Jake: Maybe you could let someone help you navigate.
Aria you couldn't possibly be jealous of this girl that Jake is flirting with, she's wearing a denim skirt.
Also who IS Jake? Does he go to Rosewood? How old is he? Doesn't look like he has friends and he teaches karatay to seemingly no one.
Aria stop acting so high and mighty when your friends ask you if you hooked up with Jake when he slept over. You fuck your English teacher.
But really, is your mom the only lawyer in Rosewood, because she sucks.
The swimming teacher was mad creepy…”Let's have a look at your recruiting video. Now take your top off“
Shana really wanted to come to Emily's party to talk to a coach? What kind of lame ass shit did you throw, Bruce?
This breakup scene is so not sad that it's funny.
I love that no one actually gives a shit about Emily's birthday at her party. Aria is pretending to give a shit about Jake. Spencer is harassing Shana. Hanna's not even there. Emily's party was so bad that Jenna basically died.
God, how many people have to die on this show for these cops to get their shit together?
Why does Mona LOVE Radley? Also, does Mona have like, parents?
I love that the girls are always like “Can Jenna make up her mind about being blind, like she is or she fucking isn't.” Meanwhile, they're the ones who blinded her.
A is enjoying a good stiff glass of pinot noir while playing some piano: perhaps A is Liberace? No good?
Haven't these fuckers learned by now not to have parties by random lakes? There should be a sign in Rosewood, If you go by the lake, it's highly likely that you'll die.
On another note, does “A” slash Cece ever get hot in that jacket it's like summer.