225. Pretending To Have Dietary Restrictions

Thanks to celebrities’ weird eating habits and obscure fad diets, everyone and their mom’s dog has some sort of dietary restriction. Whether you’re lactose intolerant, gluten free, a vegan, on a raw-food diet, or any of the aforementioned conditions but in “air quotes,” being a pain in the ass at restaurants and holiday dinners is like, all the rage now.

Having a dietary restriction is great for a few reasons. For one, it’s (probably) a good way to lose weight. Have Celiac's disease? Ugh, you’re basically on the Atkins diet all the time. I just wish that disease was contagious so that I could have a valid reason to not crave cake or bread, ever. Second, if you have a dietary restriction you’re automatically a total source of fitspo in action. Like even if you’re eating pasta and snack cakes every day, once you tell me you’re a vegetarian I’m going to assume you’re super healthy because like, red meat is bad for your cholesterol. It’s also an optimal way to shame your friends and family into allowing their bodies to go into decay because they didn’t go organic/shop local/still eat eggs from time to time.

Unfortunately, if you’re like the other 97% of the population, you don’t actually have any sort of medical condition, which means you have to pretend, and if you're a betch, you don't really gaf about how animals are treated in captivity. But it's chill because this is just another golden opportunity to make shit up. Don’t go pretending to have an obscure nutritional condition without our tips otherwise…actually, there are no real consequences outside of losing some betch points but obv if you’ve made it this far you’re interested in our tips.

Tip #1: See a doctor about your “ailments.”

This legitimizes your plight, but don’t actually take it all the way and by doing anything about it aside from cutting out the offending food group(s). For instance, if you go to your doctor complaining that you’re “lactose intolerant,” don’t listen to him when he suggests taking Lactaid pills. What, so I could go back to eating ice cream with ease? No fucking thanks, clearly you’ve missed the point.

Tip #2: Never stop talking about your dietary restrictions

Your life is sooo hard now that you’ve figured out you’re “gluten intolerant” (translation: on a low-carb diet). No one truly understands your struggle, which is why you should bitch about it to everyone you know: your friends, family, coworkers, hairdresser, the opportunities are endless. Also be sure to go into graphic detail about what happens if you do slip up and eat a forbidden food; people will definitely admire your openness to discuss such a difficult and taboo topic. Yeah I’d love to have a bite of your grilled cheese but last time I accidentally ate a mini quiche I was on the toilet for three days.

Tip #3: When you go out to eat, make your orders as complicated as possible

If you don’t inconvenience as many people in the process as you can, you didn’t do it right. It’s basically the restaurant’s job to accommodate your fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, egg-free cupcake request. You’re the customer, which means you’re always right. I mean, who actually orders something on the menu as-is anymore?

Tip #4: Always have an exception to the rule

Obviously pretending to be vegan or whatever all the time is exhausting, not to mention, sooner or later you’ll get pretty fucking hungry. Every once in a while you need to take a break from your break from whatever designated food group you chose. So when your besties spot you instagramming your froyo and call you out like, “WTF you bitch, I thought you were allergic to dairy,” this is where you whip out the exception: “Yeah but everyone knows froyo has cultures which is like super beneficial to the digestive tract so it basically just counteracts the dairy. Fucking duh.”  

So when it comes to dietary restrictions, fake it ‘til you make it. Or until you lose three pounds, whichever comes first.


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