Politibetch: The White House Refuses to Deport Bieber & Other News

Happy Monday, betches. Here's the important political news you've been waiting for:

The White House responds to petition to deport Justin Bieber

Well sort of. The White House’s official comment was that they had no comment. Such a fucking let down. Justin will continue to douche up the American music industry after all. Read article>>

A Very Obama Easter

This past Sunday was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. WTF's an egg roll? Well apparently it's when the kids roll an Easter egg across the lawn with a spoon to see who gets across the fastest (or, in other words, nothing that exciting). When addressing the crowd, Obama said that the egg roll was the biggest event the White House has held all year…which is kind of fucking sad if you ask me. The first lady also read a book to the children called “my garden” and encouraged the kids to see her vegetable garden and learn about “tasty, healthy foods”. Never an inappropriate time for a political plug! We get it Michelle, you want to fight obesity and blah blah blah, but you can at least take Easter off (a holiday almost exclusively dedicated to candy) from making the fat kids feel bad about themselves. Read article>>

Biden is heading to Ukraine

Joe Biden is headed to Ukraine to, we assume, offend even more people with his word vomit and inappropriate comments. That said, forcing the invading Russians deal with Biden just HAS TO be part of Obama's sanctions. That or Obama is just sick of dealing with him and uses anything as an excuse to get him out of the country. “Yea, go to Ukraine. You'll be SOOO much help there!” Obama's motivations aside, we might actually be able to get something out of this. Official threat to Putin: give back Crimea or Biden stays. Shit will be straightened out in no time flat. Read article>>

The Heartbleed virus causes problems for healthcare.gov

Healthcare.gov has obviously been plagued with problems from the beginning. I mean, I haven't seen Facebook go down once but healthcare.gov goes down all the fucking time…what's the deal? Now a cyber security scare caused by the Heartbleed virus is forcing users of the site to change their passwords. Again, this is a website operated by the federal government. You would think, or at least hope, that shit would be more protected than that. As we've said before, if the government can (allegedly) tap everyone's phones and monitor everyone's email, we should also be able to keep healthcare.gov running smoothly for, like, 5 fucking minutes. Seriously, healthcare.gov, get your shit together. Read article>>


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