No, You’re Not Dreaming—Pizza ATMs Are Real

Pizza is the world’s greatest food. And no, that’s not an opinion. It’s a fact. It’s cheesy and carb-y and greasy. It’s good drunk or sober, hot or cold, cheese or pepperoni. It’s all fucking delicious. The only bad thing is that the 45 minutes it takes for Papa John’s or whoever to heat it up and get it to my apartment feels like a fucking century. Is express shipping an option? I’ll pay an extra 10 bucks for that shit in a second. But now, some incredibly genius beautiful human has invented a pizza ATM that makes you a pizza in THREE MINUTES. There is a god.

Thank You Jesus

It works pretty much exactly like an actual ATM. You push a button, pay nine bucks, chill for a sec but instead of money you get a stunning 12-inch pizza. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before. The problem is that there’s only one of these fuckers in the US and it’s in Cincinnati. No hate or anything, but like, idk one person who lives there. Can’t we get a pizza ATM in New York or Chicago or something? I would say LA but none of you skinny West Coast betches eat pizza, let’s be honest.

So I guess I’m booking a flight to Cincy sometime in the near future, which is a sentence I never thought I’d say. Here’s hoping it comes with some of PJ’s garlic dipping sauce because that shit is fire.




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