171. Philanthropy Events

Giving back to the community is one of the most important things a betch can do in life. If there's anything Zoolander taught us, it's that pretending to be a good person can be fun and exciting as people will be forced to respect you no matter how many times you’ve talked shit about them. No one is going to attack the person trying to expose unfair child labor laws in Malaysia. It’s like being homeless, but without the fast food diet.

It's important to remember that not all charities are created equal. Make sure your cause is for something chic. Nobody wants to attend an event that gives money to like, the scholarship kids at your high school or one where there's no open bar. That’s such a nicegirl thing. Plus, like do you really want your party looking like some type of glammed up ICU? Also, diabetes is a no-no unless it’s like Type 1, juvenile, or feline. Can you imagine all of the fat people in strapless dresses and two inch wedges? Any betch philanthropy dealings will involve either homeless animals, children’s art programs, or something trendy like hunger.

philanthropy eventsI'm Samantha James and I'm here with Mr. Cluck Cluck and my new best friend Wafoofi and we're part of a kick-ass humanitarian effort to help promote vegetarianism in third world countries!

Just ask the Mayor of NYC, Michael Bloomberg's daughter about how to give the right way. Her charity, Rider's Closet donates riding clothes to equestrians in need. It's for poor girls who only have like, one horse. More examples of 'in' charities include the environment, cleft palates, and violence against women/human trafficking. Oh, and Israel for the JABs never ceases to go out of style. Charities that are so last season include Hurricane Katrina, Kony 2012, and polio. Being involved in a last season charity is far worse then never giving to charity at all.

If this is a high profile event, a red carpet with photo backdrop will be necessary as you and all your besties will want to pose alongside pics of the starving smiling children of the tribe in sub-Saharan Africa who are holding the Kalteen bars you sent them. Omg how did they actually get to 90 lbs? But really…how did they do it? Other benefits include celebrity spottings, amazing food that no one benefiting from the charity could ever afford, and being able to say the phrase “making a difference” non-ironically.

For betches, charity events are basically just like holidays: you get drunk  and feel like you’re accomplishing some moral duty. You should never actually do anything at the event itself.   You need to remember that your dad is paying $400 dollars a ticket for you to drink $40 worth of alcohol and feel like a good person.  You should be raising money for immigration reform, not doing immigrant work. Most of the event should be filled with drinking vodka sodas and screaming into the phone at people much younger and much uglier than you. I told you to get the fucking ice sculpture at 4:15 Ashley, NOT 4:30. God you are so stupid! Get it fucking right, or there is no way your daughter will EVER be a Delta.

The most successful events will revolve around you. Anti-fur campaign? Excuse to pose semi-nude and show off your amazing tits. Urban hunger? Excuse to not eat. Gay rights? Excuse to daytime blackout with your Gay BFF while wearing neon. Human rights? Excuse to not eat. Animal rights? Excuse to not eat.

Avoid 5K Run/Walks like the plague. This is the extreme nice girl version of philanthropy and will usually involve fat girls walking for 30 minutes to the finish line where they’ll gorge on free sponsor food like bagels and Dr. Pepper. And then there’s always the bitch who takes the run seriously and tries to beat some personal best while looking like a fucking idiot. Exercise is reserved for Equinox, not sweating your ass off running by some abandoned warehouses downtown pretending you care about nutrition awareness or clean energy.

Philanthropy events are also great ways to meet guys who are equally rich enough to afford a ticket while pretending to be down to Earth. Oh I just feel so horrible about the depletion of the Ozone layer. I almost burst into tears during my convo with Al Gore on our private jet to the South of France. The greenhouse effect is like, so random.  What a great way to display your recent efforts at #2 keeping up with the news

Finally, charity event planning is the ultimate goal for any true betch who #36 hates doing work. Charlotte York showed us the truly betchy way to master getting married, quitting your job, and working 3 hours a week in the MOMA for free! You also now have somewhere to wear that $750 dress you have in an effort for you and your besties to unite on your strong feelings against AIDS in Africa (hate it!) and ugly public school uniforms (also hate it!).

Remember betches, while philanthropy events may seem like a nicegirl activity, betches are two steps ahead of them. The only people who don't participate in philanthropy are the ones who can't afford to do so. Don't be a charity case. Attend philanthropy events.

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