Just when you think he’s gone for good…’tis the season to once again be Pete Davidson. And with the holidays approaching, Pete is under more pressure than ever to create meaningful memories photo ops with his significant other. Presently, that significant other just so happens to be the one and only Kim Kardashian. Apart from their staged kiss on SNL and a few paparazzi shots at Knott’s Scary Farm, we haven’t seen too much of the couple since their first night on Aladdin’s magic carpet. What we do know of their relationship has been only speculation from Pete & Kim frenemy-fans. Where do they go on dates? What do they do together? What do they say? Do they even say anything or do they just use emojis? God, do they even use emojis? Are they celebrating Thanksgiving together? Has he met her kids? Does he know she has kids? Do not fret! All of your questions are about to be answered in this very real story of exactly what the very real Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are up to this very real holiday season. So without further ado, may we present: The 12 Dates of Krismas.
1. On their first date of Krismas, in an act of sincere vulnerability, Pete Davidson takes Kim Kardashian on a romantic stroll around (you guessed it) Staten Island’s Freshkills Park. Kim can’t help but think that “Freshkills” would be a great name for a Skims x Yeezy collab. Wait. Should she answer one of her 300 voice notes from Ye? She looks over to the mysterious Pete, who is now chasing frogs in the swamp. She shakes her head, no. Pete is too good to let go: he’s so tall.
2. Pete still doesn’t feel like Kim truly “gets” who he is: 28, childless, and totally without life-preserving instincts. So, he treats her to the most humbling experience 2021 has to offer: a Lyft. Kim is surprised by how fun it is not to know what that smell is or who their driver is or if they’re vaccinated. Dates with Pete are always exhilarating! They’re dropped off at Coney Island and they spend a dreamy night getting lost in the fried food, roller coaster rides, and dizzying lights of it all. Pete can’t believe how funny Kim actually is and Kim can’t believe how tall Pete is. The night is straight out of a movie. “Requiem for a Dream,” suggests Pete. “No, Uptown Girls,” Kim disagrees. It’s their first fight.
3. The next day on his lunch break, Pete meets Kim at her Balenciaga fitting. Predictably, she’s wrapped head-to-toe in black. Pete mistakenly makes 10 too many Death Eater jokes so she sends him out to grab salads. He comes back with limp Sweetgreen. If that’s not bad enough, there’s bleu cheese on top. It takes everything in her not to cry. Why does she put up with this? Pete shuffles back to work, a complete and utter embarrassment of a human graffiti tower.
4. On the fourth date of Krismas, Pete spends his 12 hours of allotted SNL weekend meeting Kim in Los Angeles. On the plane, he Googles “Kim Kardashian’s favorite restaurants.” He feels a slight tingle of satisfaction not typing “West” at the end of her name. A popular Middle Eastern restaurant, Carousel’s, pops up and he books a reservation. Paparazzi hound them when they enter, but Pete remains unfazed. She compliments his ability to stay calm in the storm. It takes everything in him not to mention that the paparazzi was twice as severe when he was with Ari. After all, this isn’t his first Kate Beckinsale. Instead, he smiles widely as they bond over their love of bread baskets and ice water. Then, Kim reminds him not to smile so widely and he complies. It feels like love.
5. After several shared FaceTimes on the importance of branding, Pete realizes the only way to impress Kim is to double down on his own brand. So, he takes her back to Staten Island. Again. This time, they reenact the dance from My Best Friend’s Wedding on the Staten Island Ferry. Unfortunately, Pete’s plan backfires. Rather than him becoming the Dermot Mulroney to her Julia Roberts, Kim begins to consider that maybe they’re both just friends famous. She wraps her arms around his waist, the highest part of him that she can reach, and cranes her neck to look up at him like he’s the ninth floor of Bergdorf’s. Instantly, her doubts dissipate. He really is so tall.
6. On the sixth date of Krismas, Pete taps into his romantic side and plans an intimate night on the town—just the two of them. Channeling his inner Mr. Big, he books a carriage ride in Central Park. Pete brings his favorite Staten Island sandwich for the ride and they cozy up under a Barefoot Dreams blanket he bought, mistaking it for Skims. Thankfully, Kim doesn’t take the insult personally. Instead, they bond over the tragic loss of both their fathers. Pete explains that his father, a firefighter, died an American hero. Kim explains that her father, too, died. Well, anyway, it feels like destiny.
7. Running out of ideas, Pete becomes a feminist and suggests Kim make the plans. Kim Googles “italian food for normal people.” She texts her second assistant to book them a private table at Pizza Hut. Alternatively, her assistant suggests they order it in. Cute! They spend the night nibbling on New York’s Pizza Hut and watching JoJo Siwa videos so Kim can have something to bond with North about. Kim graciously comments that the Cinnabon® Mini Rolls taste just like Italy. Pete returns the favor by asking Kim to tell North that he also loves JoJo Siwa. Later that night they get a DM from North—she now despises JoJo Siwa.
8. Feeling like there’s already some tension, Kim arranges a Meet-and-Greet with North. North’s schedule is far too busy for a full-on trip to the Big Apple but generously, North agrees to a half-hour Zoom with Pete if he’ll donate to her favorite nail technician’s charity. Pete spends the day arranging a backdrop fit for an eight-year-old. He hangs his Harry Potter posters in the back and clears all the smog out of his room. Kim comes over later that night. They enter the Zoom excited but North is ten minutes late. Regardless, when her face finally does pop up, Pete greets her with a happy “Hey, Nori!” North instantly exits the zoom.
9. On the ninth date of Krismas, Kim sleeps through her alarm and misses the date. Pete saves $12,000 that day. It’s a win-win.
10. Making up for lost time, Kim agrees to spend some time with Pete’s best friend. So, Kim and Pete go to his mom’s house on Staten Island. Pete smokes a few joints while Kim courageously proves that celebrities eat Cheetos too. It might just be the clouds of smoke, but Kim is starting to really picture a future with the comedian. If her mom can date a nobody, why not her? After all, she can probably convince him to quit that little skit show he does and move to LA full-time. Pete loves how smart, successful, kind, generous, thoughtful, and caring Kim is. Kim loves how tall Pete is. She leaves Staten Island more smitten than ever.
11. Everything’s coming up Pete! After 10 dates, it seems like Pete has everything it takes to become Kim’s fourth assistant boyfriend. But it’s almost Krismas, and that means Pete is going to need a suit. Kim mistakenly accepts an invitation to join Pete at his local Big & Tall. Mortified, Kim calls in a favor. Riccardo Tisci agrees to courier some custom Burberry suits over. While Pete is in the dressing room, Kim sneaks the suits on the rack. Two minutes later, Pete just so happens to discover some great new suits and bonus: they’re tagless! “That means they’re free,” he jokes. The 15-year-old sales clerk nods in agreement, clutching her signed Lip Kit.
12. The 12th date of Krismas finally arrives. It’s the night of the annual Kardashian Christmas Eve Party, and Pete couldn’t be more excited to meet the family. Kris Jenner, of course, is first to greet them. She hugs Pete tightly and autographs a cocktail napkin, thinking he’s one of the Make-A-Wish guests. Kendall, being the tallest, is actually able to make eye contact and sees things in Pete’s eyes she’s certain Kim has never clocked. Kylie uses all her strength to lazily wave from across the room, keeping her distance. Khloé snidely remarks that Pete’s really not *that* tall. But then, Kourtney, in all her glory, innocently suggests that Pete kind of reminds her of Travis. And it is in that exact moment…amongst the Calabasas elite… that Kimberly Noel Kardashian West finally remembers who the hell she is. Instantly, a security guard escorts Pete off the premises and Kim exhales a deep sigh of relief.
Alexa, play “Thank U Next!” It’s Krismas Eve and Kim is back (only on Hulu).
Images: DFree, Asatur Yesayants /Shutterstock.com
