Study Proves People Who Stay Friends With Their Exes Are Actual Psychopaths

Don’t you just love it when scientific studies work out in your favor and reaffirm your destructive lifestyle choices? Like that time some docs said that drinking Champagne helps fight off Alzheimer’s (turned out not to be true but whatever) and the other time when Italy somehow found that eating pasta makes you skinny (Go home Italy. You’re drunk). And while this newest study on people who stay friends with their exes doesn’t necessarily benefit me in any way personally, it does prove that something I’ve always thought to be true is actually a scientific fact (meaning I’m right, per usual). So what is this study? One that finds that people who stay friends with their exes either a) just want to get laid. Obvi. Or b) display fucked-up behaviors like narcissism, insensitivity, and just overall being a dick. Also, obvi. Brb. Mass texting this to every one of my friends who told me they “don’t want to lose the friendship.” I see you. I see all of you.

So this company Science Direct, who I guess just had nothing better do to that conduct a study we all already knew the answer to, took 861 men and women and asked them questions about why you stay friends with ex partners and then had them rate the different reasons in terms of importance. Men rated being able to booty call their exes higher than women did. Wow, Science Direct. Thank you for your groundbreaking discoveries. You know, this is legit why we need women in STEM fields. All Science Direct needed was literally one female scientist and she would have told them the answer to this pressing question and saved probably millions of dollars in funding. #WomenInStem. Anyway, people who chose to stay friends for practical purposes showed higher “dark personality traits” like disagreeableness, manipulativeness and exploitative tendencies. Also see: “being an asshole.” Or like, Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. In fact, now that I think about it, this entire study could have been proven by watching one singular episode of Vanderpump Rules.

In conclusion, when your ex late night texts you one day and says they miss your friendship, you ignore that shit because they’re either just trying to sleep with you or murder you. There is no in between.