Remember Lil Xan? Even though it feels like it’s been decades, it’s been less than six months since his dramatic breakup with Noah Cyrus. Feel old yet? I have food that’s been in the back of my fridge longer than that, but Lil Xan’s life has changed a lot since September. He overdosed on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and had to go to the hospital, which was an unforgettable cultural moment. More recently, though, he got a new girlfriend, got engaged to that girlfriend, and now he announced that they’re expecting a child together. Thanks, I hate it.
Right off the bat, there are some major red flags here. First of all, Annie Smith, his new fiancée, is only 18 years old. Xan is 22, so it’s not like, the world’s most problematic age gap—especially considering that he looks like a perpetually high 12-year-old—but truly no one who just graduated high school needs to be getting married or having babies. There, I said it! Here, everybody take some rubbers.
Xan and Annie (their celeb couple name is Xannie; I have decreed it) have also known each other for, like, all of five minutes. Lil Xan said they’ve been talking about getting married “forever,” but if your definition of forever is less than six months, you’re not ready to bring a child into this world.
So yeah, I was way less than convinced about the relationship in the first place, and then last week, Lil Xan blessed our timelines with this major announcement:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BuATAN3Hxjp/
Oh lord, someone call Marie Kondo, because this is a goddamn mess. First of all, I really can’t with the broken heart emojis. I know it’s like, his signature thing or whatever, but I need it to stop. I’ll give them a pass on the disgusting matching brown sweatshirts, but I have more issues with the caption itself. Xan quickly says that he’s going to be a father, but then moves on to some shameless promotion for his new album. No Instagram caption should contain both a baby announcement and a reference to YouTube Space. You only get one or the other, that’s the rule.
This announcement was enough to give me hives, but now there’s been another amazing plot twist. Last Friday, Annie posted a vlog on her YouTube channel that included her and Xan seeing ultrasound photos of their baby for the first time. I’ll put the video here, in case you have way too much free time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQCJiM2AW4I
First of all, why are they already telling the world she’s pregnant at nine weeks? I’m no pregnancy expert, but I can feel my mom’s disapproval from 1,000 miles away. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t get through the whole thing, but viewers who were a little more attentive than me took note of some interesting things in the video. Namely, that the ultrasound photo in the video is an exact match for a random ultrasound photo that someone found on Google Images from 2009. Y’all, I’m done. If you’re skeptical, go do a Google Image search for “9 week ultrasound” right now. I just did, and this photo is the seventh result that comes up. You guys, they didn’t even try!
https://twitter.com/MESSYMONDAY/status/1099432803765231620?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1099432803765231620&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosmopolitan.com%2Fentertainment%2Fa26532543%2Flil-xan-fiancee-annie-smith-lying-baby-ultrasound-photo%2F
So… are Lil Xan and his fiancée faking this pregnancy? Unclear, but I don’t believe that this is a photo of whatever is growing in her uterus right now. It’s not apparent what reason they would have to literally make up a pregnancy, unless they have an elaborate scheme à la Baby Mama that’s ultimately going to benefit his career in some way. This actually sounds like it could be a hoax, but these two are definitely not smart enough to get away with it. What I do know is that I am now fully hooked into this story. Just when I was starting to think that I might have dreamt up Lil Xan after having a little too much to drink, he’s pulled me back in.
Images: messymonday / Twitter; xanxiety / Instagram; Annie Compton Smith / Youtube
