As betches hate doing work and love going out, we’re placed in an obvious moral predicament when it comes to working out. When
running texting really hard on the treadmill, we often stop to wonder, am I doing too much work? But we immediately shake the thought away because like, can you imagine what kind of heinous Instagrams you would have with a double chin? And OMG, what kind of side pose would I have with fat arms? The thought of it is (almost) as scary as the current political climate.
Sure there are girls out there that don’t go the gym and still have perfect bodies, but those are a special breed of people we call: fucking liars.
So much like keeping up with the news nowadays, going to the gym is a necessary evil. You might think that we’re all in this together since you and half the people at your LA Fitness all just “happened” to join right after the new year, but this isn’t fucking High School Musical. Just because our headphones are in doesn’t mean we’re not judging everyone in the 30-foot radius. There’s a right and a wrong way to be at the gym, and even though we’re not Kayla Itsines, we’re going to tell you the wrong way to go to the gym. No, not like what moves you’re doing incorrectly and probs hurting yourself attempting—the important shit aka how to come correct. So if you find yourself identifying with any of the nutjobs below, it’s time to reevaluate.
1. The Psycho Gym Rat
Who doesn’t hate the psycho gym rat? She makes you feel like shit about the fact that while you’re sitting on the couch hungover contemplating ordering sushi, she’s on her way to Body Bootcamp in her fucking Lululemon leggings. This is the same girl that thinks that looking like Claire from Modern Family is hot. Sorry, we commend you on your collarbone, but you’re one tricep extension away from having veiny man hands. Chill. There’s a reason even Jerry Seinfeld wouldn’t touch that bitch.
2. The Marathon Betch
Let’s talk about the marathon betch. To the rest of the world this girl might be called an exercise bulimic but in betch world she’s simply the girl who used to be fat. Marathon betch is super type A, has a workout complex, and probably has some form of uptight OCD. This girl gets high off of literally running her ass off and telling people she’s training for a marathon, and she’d rather miss her cousin’s funeral than admit she skipped a day at the gym. When most of us want to achieve a high and lose weight, we have a guy we can call for that.
3. The Pageant Queen
If you’re the type of girl who goes to the gym with anything more than some BB cream, mascara, and like, a touch of eyeliner, you might as well wear a T-shirt that says “Tryna Get Fucked.” Not only is working out with a full smokey eye and a blowout impractical, it’s thirstier than the time you went to a rave without a water bottle. And what is your end game, btw? If you actually want to meet a guy who’s all sweaty and probably roided up, you really need to get out more. Might we recommend taking your exact same beauty look to a bar?
4. The Thirsty Texter
Regardless of how you work out, just remember that when you’re on the elliptical or walking the treadmill on a high incline, please don’t text anyone that you’re at the gym, or God forbid, take a gym selfie. Aside from the fact that no one fucking cares that it’s your third time at Equinox this week, do this shit and you’re one step away from becoming an Instagram “fitness model” who’s constantly uploading photos of her “gains,” aka thinly veiled ass shots. Don’t try to tell me you’re posing sideways so we can see how toned your biceps are when you’re liking every comment that says “10/10 booty doe.”
Be you the SoulCycle slut, yoga hoe, or cardio queen, working out is about looking and feeling your best. So try not to annoy everyone in the process. Everyone has Snapchat these days, and you don’t want to become the latest viral meme.