Welcome to another riveting episode of “Someone Who Worked On the Trump Campaign is a Shady Asshole.” We seem to be having a lot of episodes lately. Like, this show will eventually make for a very juicy binge session when it eventually ends up on Netflix. This week’s episode stars Paul Manafort: Former Trump campaign manager/guy who would probably be a DILF if he wasn’t such a massive pile of steaming dog shit. For more examples of the latter, see: House Speaker Paul Ryan.
So let’s start with what you hopefully already know: Paul Manafort was Trump’s campaign chairman – aka half the reason we’re in this living hell. Well, he and most of the Midwest are the reason. Shoutout to my Aunt Mary Sue in Indiana!
Anyways, Manafort was indicted Monday on charges that he “funneled millions of dollars through overseas shell companies and used the money to buy luxury cars, real estate, antiques and expensive suits.” So this guy is like, a living plotline from Scandal. This indictment comes from special counsel Robert Mueller (Bueller? Bueller?), whose job is to investigate whether anyone in Trump’s army of assholes worked with Russia to fuck up the American election. Spoiler alert: They did.
But, like, it would take 10 articles to explain all the various Russian colluders in our midst. I’m just here to give you a rundown of Paul Manafort’s fucker. So let’s do that:
Real Pic Of Me Getting Ready To Explain This Insane Situation:
March 28, 2016: Manafort Gets on Trump Train: Manafort drinks the Kool-Aid, joins the Trump team despite the fact that at this point everyone still thinks Trump is a joke who is going to lose. His claim to fame is being super into the “Lock Her Up” chant, and being generally shady af.
May 19, 2016: Manafort gets promoted to Trump campaign chairman and chief strategist after Corey Lewandowski (another dickhead) gets the can. Bye Felicia. You know what they say, in
fashion the Trump campaign, one day you’re in, and the next day, you’re out.
June 9, 2016: Manafort attends the infamous meeting with the Russian attorney in Trump Tower. This meeting is a big fuckin’ deal, okay? It’s something that should have NEVER happened and it featured human birth-control Donald Trump Jr. and Trump’s Snake-in-Law, Jared Kushner. You probably remember hearing about it when American genius Don Jr. leaked his own
nudes emails about it. The meeting was with Russian lawyer named Natalia Veselnitskaya, who promised to deliver damaging information about Hillary Clinton’s – you guessed it – emails. *rolls eyes*
August 14, 2016: The (failing) New York Times dishes out the receipts between Manafort and pro-Russian political party. That’s right, the failing New York Times, which spreads fake news and is Very Unfair! Sad!, wrote an expose about Manafort and his payments of about $12.7 million from former Ukrainian President Viktor F. Yanukovych between 2007 and 2012. I think that’s over the limit that Venmo allows, but maybe that’s different in the Ukraine.
August 19, 2016: Manafort says deuces to the Trump Campaign. Apparently Manafort told Trump to lay off insulting Gold-Star families and Trump was like “nah.” Ah, the age old battle between two giant dickheads.
November 8, 2016: TRUMP GETS ELECTED, SHIT HITS THE FAN, AMERICA DIVES IN A NIGHTMARE FROM WHICH NONE OF US CAN WAKE!!!!
May 17, 2017: Former FBI head Robert Mueller is appointed as special counsel to investigate the Trump-Russia connection.
Mueller Walking Into Meetings:
June 27, 2017: Manafort discloses more than $17 million in payments from Ukrainian political party. So yeah, there is MORE money. And this time Manafort was working in the United States for a foreign government, which is like, a hard no.
July 25, 2017: Manafort testifies before Senate Intelligence Committee. He hands over all the transcripts from his Russian meeting, sniffles to the court “but…but her emails.”
July 26, 2017: FBI raids Manafort’s home. Weirdest episode of Cribs ever. The FBI came in hot, raided Manafort’s home unexpectedly and left with a bunch of that good-good. Much like there is always money in the banana stand, there are always reports of traitorous activities in a Trump advisor’s house.
September 19, 2017: CNN reported that the U.S. government wiretapped Manafort, conspiracy theorists rejoice. I mean, we already know the government has no problem spying on us, so Manafort is no exception. Apparently the government was like “We think he’s doing some sketchy shit with a foreign government,” and it’s like, fair enough, so they tracked his shit down. This could be bad for him and for Trump- which like, God we hope so.
October 30, 2017: Also known as “Liberal Christmas.” Manafort turns himself in to the FBI. Mueller announced his first charges and got approved by a Federal Grand Jury, so Manafort was like, “K so I see things are not going well” and turned himself in. It’s important to note that these charges don’t include explicit mention of Russian collusion or his time on the Trump campaign, but focuses on his Ukrainian political ties and finances. Yet. The investigation is still underway and so far, it’s looking like it’s going to be the best season of House of Cards yet.
So now is it like, our turn to chant “Lock Him Up”? Let me know, thx.
Oh, and if you need this information in video form, here’s our one minute crash course on all things Manafort. You’re literally so welcome.
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