Oscar season is upon us, which we love because it’s an excuse to judge a bunch of people we don’t know. As we were busy planning our party to watch 300-year-old betch Joan Rivers analyze this year’s fashion choices, we learned that there’s apparently an awards show that takes place after the red carpet. Who knew? Anyway, here’s a breakdown of all the movies you probably didn’t see this year because they weren’t Catching Fire.
Basically Amy Adams’ cleavage and Jennifer Lawrence’s cleavage fight for attention while Christian Bale’s hair becomes sentient and tries to escape from his head. Or something. IDK, it was really long and confusing, and the old guy from Meet the Fockers speaks Arabic for some reason.
It’s about a bunch of pirates who for some reason don’t use swords and aren’t British. It’s like Pirates of the Caribbean if Pirates of the Caribbean was set in modern times and was also really boring. Tom Hank’s goatee makes a cameo appearance.
Dallas Buyer’s Club
Jennifer Garner makes her signature concerned face for two hours while Matthew McConaughey goes to Mexico and brings back drugs to help AIDS patients, including one gorgeous woman who has an uncanny resemblance to Claire Danes’ boyfriend on My So-Called Life.
It’s basically a Universal Orlando ride where you feel like your falling through outer space, except you have to look at Sandra Bullock’s annoying-ass face the whole time. George Clooney is in it for a hot sec before willingly drifting into a black hole because Sandra’s butt chin is too fucking weird to look at.
A man falls in love with a futuristic version of Siri that sounds like a 60-year-old chain smoker. Every guy in the movie has a mustache cause apparently that’s what the world is coming to. The future looks very bleak.
MacGruber agrees to drive his dad to pick up some money in the state of Nebraska which, according to the film, exists. The best part of the movie is June Squibb as a super mean retired slut who flips off her ex-boyfriend’s grave cause she’s old and doesn’t give a fuck.
There’s no chance I’m gonna see this movie.
12 Years a Slave
I’d rather watch Philomena twice. JK it was really good and will probs win best picture but was super depressing.
The Wolf of Wall Street
Our boys Leo and Jonah fuck shit up and spend all their money on coke and hookers. The true moral of the story is how you never have to stop acting like a frat bro if you have the money.
I know it wasn’t nominated for Best Picture, but Cate Blanchett’s nominated performance should be noted as the betchiest of the year. She’s a super-rich, self-absorbed, Xanax-popping socialite who has to move in with her gross poor sister and, tragically, get a job. What a nightmare.