It’s the last Monday in January, which is arguably the worst day of the week in the worst month of the year. But today doesn’t feel as dreadful as it should be and that’s because today is the day our savior was born. Yes, on this day 64 years ago God gave us Oprah and then promptly took a vacation because she knew the world would be cared for while Oprah was around.
Oprah has recently made a resurgence in our collective consciousness because of Wrinkle In Time and the glimmer of hope she presented in the unending nightmare that is the Trump presidency. But here’s the thing. Oprah never truly leaves our collective conscious because she shaped our collective conscious. Anything good on this godforsaken planet can probably be traced back to Oprah.
Oprah is an icon, which is a term that is used too liberally these days. She truly is the definition of iconic. She has a monthly magazine that only has her on the cover. Your fave could literally never. In an attempt to do the impossible, here are her most iconic moments.
When Everyone Got A Car
This is probably what she is most famous for: giving away cars. What a way to cement yourself in everyone’s’ favor, by being a good gift giver. Oprah was a real sneaky betch and invited a bunch of teachers onto her show to talk about like, being spiritual or whatever and then was like SIKE! CHECK UNDER YOUR SEATS. It was the bellow heard round the world. Everyone got a car.
Bread
Despite being spiritually and emotionally perfect, Oprah has one flaw. She loves bread. But you know what? That flaw sort of makes her more perfect because I also love bread. So in that way I am Oprah. We are all Oprah. Bread is our lover.
Asking Racists What’s Up
Oprah was having too good of a time on her show interviewing people who loved her so she decided to take a midday train to Georgia and ask a bunch of racists what their deal was. She showed up to Forsyth county where a black person hadn’t lived in 75 years, and was like, “what’s good?” Unfortunately her brilliance was lost on a bunch of the toothless klan members but you can’t say the queen didn’t try.
The Casual Wagon Of Fat
One time in 1988, on her show, Oprah entered the stage looking svelte as hell and pulling a wagon of 67 lbs of fat, which was the exact same amount she had lost. Take notes on how to make a goddamn entrance, ladies. When you’ve been hitting the gym and eating right and don’t want to risk having people not notice before you inevitably put it back on, enter any room with a wagon full of fat.
Dealing With Tom Cruise
Every woman at one point or another has to display her strength by handling an out of control world famous actor jumping on her furniture. Oprah handled Tom Cruise’s manic love declarations with grace and a healthy dose of side eye and really was the vehicle for all of our thoughts when he rudely stepped on her loveseat.
Walking on Coals
Literally she just decided to walk on fire because it was something that scared her. Obviously she accomplished it and seemed sort of unhinged in the aftermath and it was a gorgeous sight to witness. Only a true icon would do something so blatantly destructive and then share the experience with everyone and be like, “wow actually it was rly healing you should try it.”
Her Iconic Golden Globes Speech
Knowing how much we were suffering under the reign of Trump, Oprah pulled out all the stops in her acceptance speech for the Cecil B Demille awards at the Golden Globes. We were immediately transported back to 4pm in the early 2000’, watching her hold court on TV. Her speech was so moving it like made us not only want her to run for president but discard the entire government and establish a monarchy. Oprah as King.
These Gifs
Oprah expressions are the roadmap from which we know how to emote.
The Time She Told Lindsay Lohan To Cut The Bullshit
We were all thinking it, but Oprah actually said it. Sadly, LiLo did not take any of Oprah’s advice (should be considered a sin, TBH) and her bullshit has only continued.
Her Best Friendship With Gayle
This is a lifelong iconic friendship. These two women are so close they have everyone freaking out and positive they are actually lovers and what’s great is the two of them don’t acknowledge those rumors because like, so what if they’re gay? Their love is so pure and strong it transcends sexuality and physicality. It’s literally the definition of soul sisters. It’s what we should all aspire to. Sure, a Stedman is nice to have, but get yourself a Gayle.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
