Oops, I Called My New Hookup by My Ex’s Name: Sexts & Subtext

Dear Head Pro

Kinda fucked up last Thursday night. This new guy I've been hooking up with/talking to this semester is a catch. He cooks amazing food, smokes a ton of weed, and is great in bed, not to mention has a 4.0. Too perfect, right? Well, on Halloween I went back to his place, everything was going great until I called him by my ex's name after hooking up. He more or less kicked me out in a “wow, you should probably go back to your place now.” He didn't talk to me the rest of the weekend, when we usually hang out daily. How do I recover from this? I saw him in person on Sunday and we talked briefly and I mustered in an apology. His response “yeah I didn't like that at all, we can talk more about it later; I have to study for a test tomorrow” He obviously hasn't texted me so do I try apologizing again? I really liked him and I want to keep sleeping with him/hanging out. Is he overreacting or is it really that bad? And if he does respond how do I even go about the conversation?


I royally fucked up

Dear Royally Fucked Up,

Come on, does this really happen? I thought this only happened in 90’s sitcoms. I don’t recall anyone ever shouting out my name, or anyone else’s, during or after coitus. Does that mean I’m bad at sexing? YOU BET! I’ve also definitely never called out anyone’s name during sex myself. Does that mean I’m doing bad sexing with equally bad sexing partners? NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, BABY! Seriously though, the more I think about it, I rarely use someone’s name period unless I’m trying to get their attention in a group, which never happens because the attention is on me by default. I usually just say “dude,” or “bro” or “hey fuckface.” I once had a girlfriend who actually complained that I never called her by name enough, just “babe” or “honey.” Yeah, well, her name was pretty fucking stupid. Who gives their kid a name that’s also a common noun?

Your saving grace is that guys tend to have pretty short memories. We’re not ones to hold grudges for any length of time. We feel an emotion intensely, and then we let it go. Yes, what you did was probably one of the more hurtful things that could have happened, but it’s not on the order of, say, cheating on him or whatever. I guess it’s a little understandable. If you had good sex times with your ex, part of you still associates that with him. Plus, since you described this as someone you’re just “hooking up with/talking to,” he’s not really your boyfriend so I guess if you’re drunk you’d revert back to the last time anyone actually showed that they cared for you.

You don’t need to do anything to “recover,” in fact it never needs to be spoken of again. You’ve already apologized, so bring it up will just remind him of it. If he mentions it, let him say his piece, apologize again, and let it die. If he decides it’s something he can let go of, that’s all you need to do.


Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

I met this guy a few weekends ago when I was totally blackout and don't remember giving him my number at all. He kept calling and texting and I didn't answer at all until he contacted my friend's boyfriend asking about me. My friend approached me with it and was like “Why the fuck aren't you answering him, he's totally hot and successful and has a Lamborghini.” After checking him out on Facebook, I saw he was definitely my type and decided to give it a shot. He is very exotic looking (Turkish) and 35 years old, about 10 years older than me which is fine and preferable for me since older guys tend to not play games as much. I played hard to get at first and declined his offer for dinner/drinks etc. Then I saw him again over the weekend and we hit it off. We were dancing and kissing all night, which I now sort of regret since I think its why he hasn't called or texted since. He invited my friend and I to after-party with him at his place that night but I turned him down because I didn't want to seem too easy. His last text was “Not very happy that you left me” and I haven't heard from him since! It's been three days now and I actually kind of like this guy and after a year of being single, I'm ready for a relationship. Do you think I still have a chance with this guy?

Remorseful Betch


Dear Remorseful Betch,

I don’t think it’s a question of whether or not you’d have a shot with the guy, but why you wanted one in the first place.

[First digression: What the fuck does it mean, exactly, to be “ready” for a relationship? It’s the same as saying “I’m looking/not looking to settle down,” and equally stupid. Attaching any form of proactiveness and/or preparedness renders it meaningless, because that’s not how life works. Newsflash, relationships happen because of, and depend on, the other person in them, not your assessment of “readiness” to be in one. I’m “ready” to have an orgy with the VS Angels, but that doesn’t make it any more or less likely to happen.]

[Second digression: We need to all agree to quit it with the whole “type” thing. Guys are just as guilty. In this instance, when you say he’s your “type,” you’re saying that based on his looks and status. That’s fine and all, but it’s not a “type” in the sense that it speaks in any way to your compatibility with one another. You can’t possibly know that before going out with him. If you want to go out with a guy because he’s rich and you find him attractive, just say so. Don’t act like he’s meeting some kind of secret set of criteria.]

Anyway, like I said this might not be the love story you’re looking for. The thing with the kinds of guys who are driving Lambos at 35 is that they’re morons. I mean, they’re obviously not stupid because they’re doing something well to have that kind of money, but I mean they’re morons in the sense that they’re so used to that one thing working out for them that they’re oblivious to anything else. He’s less likely to play games not because of his age, but because everything in his life is very linear. He works hard, and he makes money. He asks the girl out, and she agrees. He buys girl drinks, and she kisses him. He invites girls to after party, and sh- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

He doesn’t understand the game at all. He enters an input, and he receives an output. That’s how life works for him. It’s the same kind of guy who accuses a girl of “wasting his time” when he showers her with unsolicited affection and she doesn’t reciprocate. It’s every rich loser who doesn’t understand that human interactions are a little more nuanced than “insert a, get b.” I mean, look at what he texted you. “I’m not very happy that you left me.” He’s not even able to come up with something face-saving or clever, because life is black and white to him. So no, I certainly don’t think you’ve blown your shot. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, though, I’m going to take the (admittedly large) leap and say that this guy might not be what you’re looking for, good looks and Italian supercars be damned.

I really hate the colors in the new iOS,

Head Pro


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