Oh Sh*t, It’s Scorpio Season: Weekly Horoscopes October 26-30

Spooky season is coming to an end, but a far more terrifying season is about to begin. It’s time to connect to your inner Scorpio, bitches! This is a time for deep introspection, growth, and rebirth. Sound intense? Yeah, sure, but you don’t become a butterfly without being locked in some dark-ass cocoon for a little while. Which is kind of what we’ve all been doing for the past seven months, if you think about it…



Time to be awed by the power of you. This Scorpio season is all about kicking ass, taking names, and then forgetting those names because you’re so goddamn impressed with yourself. This will be a time of *major* shifts—in your career, your personal life, and how you see the world. And once the transformation is complete, you may not even recognize who you were just one month ago.


Mind = blown. This Scorpio season, prepare your mind for some major breakthroughs. Places where you’ve been feeling stuck will suddenly open up, all you needed was a little change in perspective. Lean into all the weird sh*t you do that makes you you. Turns out they’re actually your superpower.


With a whole bunch of work in your rearview mirror, Scorpio season is all about a long and restful pause for you, Gemini. Now is the time to reflect on all the work you’ve done and challenge yourself to—gasp—be still. Sometimes your wheels can be turning, but you’re not actually getting anywhere. Use this introspective time to rest, relax, and do all the self care sh*t you were making fun of on Twitter like, two weeks ago.


What did you learn on your summer vacation, Cancer? With the Sun in Scorpio, now is the perfect time to really dig in to what you’ve learned in the absolutely insane year that was 2020. Are you more powerful than you thought? More capable? Chances are you’ve surprised yourself over and over again this year. Take stock of that and and don’t forget to fill your Sephora cart as a reward for all your hard work.


We usually don’t need to tell a Leo to appreciate themselves, but how deep does that appreciation really go? Now is the time to take stock of what *truly* sets you apart, beyond your adorable fall wardrobe, or your knack for meme-making. Chances are you’ve been getting caught up in the superficial (aka Instagram) and not taking enough time to appreciate the real sh*t that actually makes you special. You know, like the fact that you can answer a friend’s “help me I’m anxiety spiraling” text in five seconds flat, and never judge someone when they nip slip on story.


Scorpio season is shining a light on your daily routines and asking you to either double-down, rethink, or revise. If you’ve found a schedule that works for you, great! Stick to it and don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it the “wrong” way (there literally is no wrong way). But if you’re waking up at 6am every morning just to sit around and be sad that you’re waking up at 6am every morning? Maybe set the alarm for 7 and cut yourself a little slack. (Okay, who are we kidding… 8:45.)


Your sign is known for wanting to smooth over conflict as soon as it arises, but this month it’s time to take a step back. There is such thing as coming on too strong, and sometimes the best way to deal with a testy situation is to give it a little room to breathe. You can be as calm and collected as you want and have as many stats as you want, but at a certain point you just have to accept that nothing is gonna convince Aunt Karen that wearing a mask doesn’t cause you to “breathe the COVID back in.” Block her number and give yourself some peace.


Hello Scorpio! Welcome to your season, bitch! Finally, the rest of the world is ready to take a walk on the wild side and you are leading the parade. This month is all about not holding back and finally unearthing all the dark, shady shit you keep buried the other 11 months out of the year. Now is your time to speak your truth, let your freak flag fly, and finally tell your sort-of ex what you really think of him. If you don’t end the month blocked by at least one person, you did it wrong.


“Ch-ch-ch-changes” – You all month. This month you’re going to be receiving some serious wisdom that could change everything about how you see the world. Keep an open mind, and resist the urge to shut down ideas that challenge your status quo. Wisdom can come from anywhere—except one of those QAnon Facebook groups. Those people are psycho.


Yes, spooky season is coming to a close, but that doesn’t mean you need to disconnect from your coven. This month is all about spending time with your crew, and really figuring out who is part of your inner circle. You know, the ones who would meet you in the woulds at midnight and cast a spell to invoke the power of Manon so you all achieve your wildest dreams (sometimes with dire consequences.) You know, normal friendship stuff.


You know that sh*t from your past that you keep meaning to work through in therapy? Now is the time. This month is all about confronting demons and moving past them. The inherited trauma stops here. The bullshit lies you’ve been telling yourself since middle school stop here. You’re not Josie Grossy anymore, bitch! You’re a goddamn journalist!


Your mission this month: resist the urge to compare. The only person you’re running a race against is yourself, and—say it with me now!—Instagram is not real life. Goals get a little off track this year? Uh yeah… you and everybody else. Cut yourself some slack, celebrate what you actually have accomplished, and maybe take notifications off your phone for a little while.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.