The Official Dos and Don’ts of Halloween 2013

Do dress up in a Halloween costume you wore in the 9th grade to show others you still fit into it.

Don’t do something funny if you are not a funny person, chances are you’ll look fucking stupid.

Don’t eat any candy. Like, no.

Do appropriate 75% of your monthly allowance to your Halloween costume and then throw it out. That Swarovski crystal tiara you will lose within 10 seconds of blacking out was completely worth the $150.

Don’t forget to dress slutty. Whether you’re dressing like a witch or Conrad Murray, it’s important to look almost naked.


Do dress up like Debbie Downer if you’re unfortunate looking. People will laugh with you for once.

Do a couples costume but make sure your boyfriend bitches about it to everyone the whole time so no one thinks he's gay.

Don’t dress up as a pregnant person if you’re fat. People will just think you’re fat.

Don’t be the government shutdown. Don’t be the nonfunctioning healthcare website. Don’t be Syria. No one will take shots with you, they just won’t.

Do use your slutty costume to hook up with a guy. Don’t leave later than 7am to avoid walking the streets as a half naked Berenstain Bear.

Don’t do the zombie thing, it’s fugly and chances are later when you're passed out on some street corner, people will think you are dead, they will call the cops and you will be arrested for underage drinking.

Do buy any type of animal ears and a matching bra if you’re feeling lazy. You’re a ____, duh.

If you have 4 friends DO dress up as the 4 girls from Girls. Make sure you designate the Lena Dunham costume to the friend who was forced to don Miranda Hobbes' lesbian coif from SATC in 2001.

Don’t go trick or treating past the age of 15. It’s no longer funny or ironic, and you will be poss not def be raped.

Don’t dress up as Kim Kardashian if you don’t have a Kanye and baby Nori, you’ll be so 2012.

Do carry condoms on you if you are a slut and are (naturally) dressing slutty. There will be no worse life regret than “that halloween you got an abortion because you hooked up with some anonymous dude who was dressed as a rabbi, EVEN if he said let’s do it with a sheet, yo

Do think about dressing up as Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire. Just please do.

Don’t with the Miley costume. Kelly Ripa was dressed as her and she’s like, 87.

Do dress up as a wasted mess. People won’t bother you later for looking wasted and like a mess.

Don’t hook up with a guy in a mask, he’s wearing it for a reason.


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