If you’re like me, remembering two weeks ago, let alone one year ago, is nearly impossible, especially if alcohol is involved. But if you reach back far enough in your mind, you might remember a time when the president wasn’t a racist ham with a Twitter account, and the first family was fun and not depressing. Much like an ex who you low-key know you should have treated better, the Obamas still exist for the sole purpose of popping into our feed to remind us that they’re doing great, and we’re doing terrible. I mean, I get that they literally gave up eight years of their lives to serve us but, TBH, their continued existence is, IMHO, very rude.
In continuing with their quest to remind of us of a time when we were tanner and thinner our democracy seemed relatively stable, the Obamas released this gorgeous Christmas greeting, and I am shooketh to my core:
How. Dare. You. Obamas. Ya’ll are really gonna come out here and show us this gorgeous picture of a functional family flanked with adorable elf children, while we all have to wake up concerned about this:
Why couldn’t you just spend the day tweeting about some bullshit you saw on TV and pretending you invented Christmas while casually ignoring the fact that you have three Jewish grandchildren like a *real* president? You guys are really gonna come out here with this symmetrical faced, color coordinated mess? Really? IDK if you’ve been paying attention this year, but poise and charm are out. Spray tans and wanton pettiness are in. Either have Malia leak her own incriminating DMs while Sasha is under investigation for the use of child labor in her clothing line, or GTFO.
Please plan accordingly for all other holiday greetings. Keep the happy family shit to yourselves. We literally can’t handle it. If you need an example, look at this:
TBH, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen Melania, probably because she is alone. Who knew the only thing that could bring joy to a woman literally trapped in a marriage to a sociopath, would be an Instagram filter?
Actually I kind of did know that…
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