I Will Never Learn How To Cook, And You Shouldn't Either

If feminism means being able to do everything a man can do, then it also means being able to not do everything a man can doesn’t do. And by that I mean, if women are expected to learn how to cook just because men don’t want to do it, I’m calling bullshit. Future boyfriends, take note: I’m not learning how to cook. 

Women don’t belong in the kitchen any more than Rachel Dolezal belongs in NAACP. It’s one thing if your passion is cooking, but honestly there are so many better things you can do that don’t involve handling raw meat and sweating over a fire. Like, there’s a reason cooking only happens in the “before” part of Disney fairytales when the princesses are still poor and single. People learn to cook because they can’t afford to pay others to do it for them, or because they’re too boring to come up with a better hobby. Seriously, if your hobby is a basic survival skill, you need to get an actual hobby.

Do men love a woman who can cook? Sure, I mean… who doesn’t? I fucking love anyone that can cook because I love good food. But am I trying to marry the chef at Peter Luger steakhouse? Much like I enjoy listening to music but I would never date a guitarist, I can also enjoy eating food made by people who are good at making food without having any desire to date them.

Side Eye

And just because a woman can cook doesn’t give her an advantage when it comes to dating bros. And honestly, girls who talk about how good they are at cooking are like bros that talk about how much money they make. I mean, it might be true, but what’s also true is they have no personality and they’re desperate for you to like them. A picture of your home cooked meal on Instagram is just as much of a thirst trap as a picture of you in a bikini. At least the bikini picture is something everyone can enjoy. Meanwhile all anyone gets from looking at a picture of your chicken parm is annoyed.

Here’s the thing. Even if I was bored enough where I would bother learning how to cook just to pass the time, I wouldn’t want to get too good at it. If you get too good at cooking, people are going to expect you to keep cooking for them. That’s why you should treat cooking the same way you treat blowjobs. You might get good at them in college, but you lie to your boyfriend and say they’re not really your thing. Otherwise he’s going to expect them all the time. If you pretend you hate them, he won’t ask you for them and you can surprise him if you’re feeling generous. In the same way, it’s better if you don’t bother to learn how to cook so you don’t have to do it at all. Do you think Prince Harry knows how to drive a limo? Of course not. But he knows how to ride in one because he’s a prince. You can have a refined palette for food without knowing how to puree a sauce.

Always Look Confused

I’d rather be a homeschooled jungle freak than have a bro fall in love with me for my cooking. Best case scenario is we get married and then I have to cook for him the rest of our marriage. You literally can only go downhill from there. On the other hand, if I never learn how to cook, we’ll constantly go out to eat at nice restaurants and I never have to hear about how his mom’s recipe was better when we’re 12 years in a marriage with kids that won’t eat their vegetables.

Basically, I want to set the expectations as low as possible when it comes to being domestic, because I am not fucking domestic. Like, why would you want to confine yourself to being an indoor cat when you can be a cheetah in the wild? I mean, we need to be free to eat out at Michelin star restaurants, not getting all Cinderella in the kitchen over some Julia Child cook book. Plus, knowing how to make a drink is way more useful than knowing how to julienne some carrots for a stew. I will shake the shit out of a cocktail glass, but don’t ask me to marinate anything unless it’s one of those gummy bears you soak in vodka—in which case I am pretty much a master chef. 

Sorry, but I’m not going to learn how to cook. I see no downside in this except that the bros I date will have to take me out to eat all the time or know how to cook himself. Sorry, did I say downside? There are no downsides.

They say if you can’t handle the heat, GTFO of the kitchen and I’ve always been more of an ice queen anyway.