246. Not Knowing How To Clean Anything

Apparently, some children in America are raised to do chores. They vacuum. They dust. They clean the fucking toilet. At least that’s what the middle class athlete you dated in college told you.

On the other had, your chore list was done by a lady named María. Even though you and María weren’t that tight, she did ignite emotion in you every time your Mom made you pick up your room before she came over. “WTF Mom! If I put my clothes away than what the hell is the cleaning lady going to do???? Knit!” And then there was that time she found your bong and told your parents. Soo weird that she got deported two weeks later.

One thing you never blamed on your cleaning lady though (and def should have) was that you were being raised to literally not know how to clean. Like actually, how do you do it?

Not knowing how to clean does get you out of some shit, but it really causes more problems for you than good. You consider yourself an immaculate individual, especially when it comes to your face, but then everytime you look under your bed you’re beyond ashamed of yourself. It’s soo frustrating, because when you genuinely try to clean it literally does not work. Sometimes after using 26 Clorox disinfectant wipes it looks like you haven’t even done anything. You’re beginning to wonder if they are not designed to clean your bathtub?

And when it comes to shared living quarters, you really want to be a good roomie and clean the kitchen floor once or twice a year, but it’s impossible to help when you don’t know how to use a mop. It’s so annoying because the chicks on TV who use a Swiffer look like their about to have an orgasm. The one time you tried it you pretty much just moved dirt around until it was time for happy hour. Talk about false advertising.

Honestly, the only viable solution to not knowing how to clean is hired help. “OMG Dad puhlease pay for a maid for me. How the hell am I supposed to follow my passion for PR and clean at the same time?! This is because I’m a girl isn’t it? You anti-feminist asshole!” Or, try to get a new Betty Crocker roommate whose only passion in life is making house and getting a KitchenAid Mixer as an engagement gift. She needs to start her training somewhere, right?


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