Not Here To Make Friends: Weekly Horoscopes August 10-14

What happens when the planets stop being nice and start being real? With Mars in Aries and Pluto in Capricorn, we’re about to find out. Brace yourself for some conflict this week, both personal and professional.


With impulsive Mars egging on your already impulsive sign, your little “problem” with authority is about to get way, way bigger. The chances of avoiding conflict with a superior this week are slim to none. Luckily there’s like, a whole nationwide protest movement going on that could help you express those anti-authoritarian feelings in a healthy way. Or you could just pull a Bella Hadid and take a photo of yourself giving the finger in the general vicinity of some cops. That’ll show ‘em!


Your cautious sign is throwing caution to the wind this week with a little help from aggro Mars. Chances are you’ve been waiting for something to happen for a while now, but did you know you could just…make that thing happen? This week you’ll get the push you need to make your dreams come true, or just to finally unfollow *that person* on Instagram. You know who I’m talking about.


Typical Gemini—this week you’re all over the place. In fact, you might find yourself randomly hating someone you normally like. Just like 99.9% of your emotions, this too shall pass. Now is not the time to make big decisions about the people closest to you. Wait until Mars’ influence over your emotions is less strong before sending that “I’m cutting toxic people out of my life” text. Your definition of toxic might change dramatically by Sunday.


Mars and Pluto are coming for your work-life balance hard this week. You might find it hard to maintain being a boss b*tch in the boardroom while also being a normal b*tch who doesn’t flip the f*ck out over an innocuous comment in the bedroom. Give your S.O. a heads up when you’re feeling overwhelmed. This will make it a lot less likely that you take your anger over an unnecessary Zoom meeting out on them in the future.


How generous is too generous? This week Mars and Pluto might help you see that someone has been taking advantage of your giving nature. Remember that it’s always okay to set a boundary, even in these trying times. Actually, especially in these trying times. You’re not a bank! And even if you were… you’d still have to keep your pens on a chain to stop people from stealing them. Goddamn moochers…


This week’s astrology is giving your libido a kick-start, even if the sexiest thing you’ve seen in quarantine so far is an on-time mail delivery. Make time this week for some *ahem* stress-relieving activities, even if that takes the form of a solo journey or a very NSFW Zoom call.


Your usual tact and knack for diplomacy is all out of whack this week. Beware of putting your foot in your mouth, saying too much, and TMI as Mars exerts its less-than-tactful influence over your normally very tactful sign. This aggressive planet might just try to convince you it’s a good idea to tell your cousin how you really feel about her interpretive dance TikToks. It’s not. And you’re about to make next Thanksgiving really, really awkward…


Pump the breaks, Scorpio! You’re ready to pounce on everyone and anyone this week for even the most minor infractions, but please get in control of yourself. Yes, it may feel like everyone in the world is testing you, but the thing is…they’re not. They’re just being their normal selves and you need to take approximately one thousand seats. We say this with love.


Think before you act this week, Sagittarius! Mars has you wanting to go full steam ahead on something that may need a little more time to incubate. Not saying your idea isn’t good, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, and CBD dog treats are already a thing. There are a few steps between “great idea” and “filing as an LLC,” so be sure to take them before moving forward (or writing any checks.)


If something is keeping you from domestic bliss, it’ll be impossible to ignore this week. If you’ve got annoying neighbors, a dog that won’t shut the f*ck up, or roommate drama, this is the week to take action to fix it. And no, a passive-aggressive note does not count as action. Though it might make you feel better in the moment.


Feelings that have been bubbling under the surface might come out in an inopportune way this week as Mars and Pluto have you feeling like you just can’t hold it in anymore. Yes, honesty is the best policy, but try not to go full Christine-yelling-at-Chrishell-on-Selling-Sunset just yet. That never works out well, and Chrishell is kind of going through it RN…


You’re looking to find strength in your community this week, Pisces. But how do you get the community vibes while also protecting from community spread of novel coronavirus? Not for us to say, but if you do figure it out…please share your findings with the class. I can think of a casual 382 million Americans who would be interested in this info.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.