; 107. Not Branching Out | Betches

107. Not Branching Out

Betches, take a look around you. Chances are you’re #23 pregaming with the same group of besties you’ve been drinking with since freshman year…of high school. Is this problematic? Nope, because betches love not branching out.

Generally speaking, betches should branch like a palm tree: not at fucking all. We don’t know shit about gardening, but would do you want your social life to imitate the elitist trees of Beverly Hills or some bushy thing in a forest. Fucking thought so.


Of course, betches recognize the importance of not branching out. Practically every girl with a phone worth more than $300 is lining up just to be your group photog, muploads division. It’s about being selective. When’s the last time you saw Mary-Kate hang out with anyone other than Ashley?

So why don't betches branch out and meet new friends?

It's because when you make betchy life choices, you'll be surrounded by betchy (aka the best) people. Betches don't make dumbass unbetchy life choices just for the sake of seeming nice or open-minded or diverse. This is your life, not a fucking Self article. Between 18 and 28 there are lots of important party albums to be tagged in, with names like “tequillllaaa we go hard.”

Do you really want to miss out on that for an opportunity to be tagged in an album called “Istanbul” with a girl named Anne who is wearing man sandals? Gross.

Every betch knows there’s no greater pain than meeting a new person who doesn't understand your jokes or why you have your dad's cc number memorized. No it's not in case of emergencies, what am I poor? Or even worse, having to explain things about yourself like why your look is called ombre-chic. Getting to know people outside of your bestie circle is like writing an essay and having to start it over again, for no fucking reason.


Think about the moments that a betch might branch out. Then see how easy the decision is not to.

1) College choice:

Nice girls go to: Muhlenberg, Brown, The US Merchant Marine Academy

Betches go to: The Big 10/schools in a big sports conference, Ivy League, a state school in your home state, Cornell

2) Abroad choice:

Nice girls go to: a quaint village in India or Africa to help the impoverished learn English

Betches go to: anywhere your besties are going obviously, this post is called not fucking branching out.

3) Post-college career choice

Nice girls go to: a lab where they can work long hard hours for no money in an effort to like, discover plant molecules or hide their fat under a lab coat

Betches go to: PR, Marketing, maybe law school, anything that’s easy to quit once you get knocked up

Remember, not following your betchy instincts is a great way to end up at some girl's wedding in rural Ohio who you met in an English Lit section, watching her fat home friends actually eat the meal they serve.



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