Why You Should Never Buy Anyone An Engagement Gift

It’s just about summer, which means a lot of things, but mostly it means that people are extremely horny when they aren’t sweating their dicks off. In turn, that means that people skewered by Cupid’s arrow are getting engaged. If this has happened recently to your friends, you may be asking yourself, “What should I get Jaedynn for an engagement gift?”

The answer is nothing!

I imagine getting engaged feels a lot like being someone born into exorbitant wealth on a daily basis: it required no real action on your part, and the event in and of itself doesn’t actually mean much, yet people still feel compelled to heap praise and free shit upon you. That works out very well for the rich person, but it makes everyone else a sucker. In this case, since it’s not you who is getting engaged, giving someone an engagement gift makes you the sucker.

Would you give someone a gift for getting a college acceptance letter? No, scratch that—would you give someone a nice gift merely because they applied to their first-choice college? Because that’s what getting engaged is: a declaration of intent with no actual bearing until the matrimonial rubber hits the road.

Look: Your friend is engaged, and barring any sort of catastrophe, the actual good shit will happen. That means between now and the next 18 months or so, you’ll be subjected to showers (where you’ll have to buy shit), at least one bachelorette in a second-tier city like Nashville or Charleston (where you’ll have to pay for all of the bride’s shit), wedding registries, and possibly also a honeyfund (if they do both it’s a crime, but either way, it’s more shit to pay for), and finally the wedding itself (paying for travel and accommodations, and possibly a dress you’ll never wear again).

This is not a post about the evils of the wedding industrial complex (though it is evil), but one of practicality: can you afford all that shit? Does the bride need all that shit? More importantly, does the bride need a tasteful vase from Restoration Hardware on top of all the other shit you will eventually buy for her?

Fuck no, she doesn’t!

I say, she’s already gotten two very valuable things: a man’s promise that he’ll (eventually promise again, in front of witnesses to) love her forever, and a ring that cost a whole shitload of money. I think that’s pretty good for doing little more than tolerating his skid-marked underpants! Bring a decent bottle of wine to the (inevitable, and unnecessary) engagement party. Then drink the whole thing yourself.

Fuck  an engagement gift!

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