Real World Roundup: I’ll have a Spicy Tuna Roll with a Side of Severed Penis

Expensive bath salts are the new Crystal Meth. This bro says that doing ‘bath salts’ makes you feel ten feet tall and invincible and amazing and like you’re cool enough to walk up to a random hobo and eat his fucking face off. But seriously if you want to feel evil and and super human just get fucking lunch with Chris Brown. It’s not that hard people, and this way you won’t look like a trailer trash meth head. Read article >>

What would you do if your seemingly sweet Grandma Edna gambled away your $93,000 trust fund at a trashy Indiana casino? Or the bigger question, what would you do if your trust fund only had $93,000 in it? That’s what happened to this nineteen year old bro when his dad found out gam gam played the nickel machines a few too many times. I guess now her grandson will have to like do something gross like get a job to pay for college but really if we were him we’d smother that bitch with a pillow or trade her into white grandma slavery or make her knit hand made quilts no matter how bad her fingers hurt. Read article >>

gwyneth tweet

In the most exciting news since hearing Barry O liked to intercept joints back like a true asshole, some kid has done a mashup of Barack singing Call Me, Maybe. While it’s not actually Bar singing, we’re pretty sure that if he could direct this to anyone it would either be a pick up line to Kim Kardashian or the most feeble attempt at capturing Julian Assange. Read article >>


This study says that right after you have a baby, you’re more likely to go on Facebook so all your besties can ‘like’ all the pictures of your probably not that cute kid. Sorry new moms, but no many how many ‘so cute!!’ FB comments you get, that still won’t change the fact that you’ll probably never have a hot body again, there’s going to be a tiny parasite clawing at your boobs all day, and your vagina is practically ruined. But hey, whatever helps you nurse at night. Read article >>

This article says that same sex schooling ruins lives. It’s a life ruiner. We kind of agree. How are you supposed to convince yourself to get your ass out of bed and into class if not for the chance to ask Aaron Samuels what day it was? How would you even find out that it was October 3rd? We predict a strong correlation between same sex schooling and the amount of students who fuck their teachers. Let a co-ed class live. Read article >>

Talk about a little something to spice up that grad speech. During a graduation ceremony in Denmark, a graduation speech was interrupted by a sex tape of a student and someone who didn’t go to the school. Talk about a way to let girls know how big your dick is then to secretly insert it onto the projector. Someone’s getting laid again at Senior Party. Read article >>

old lady grand larson gamblingOsteoporosis acting up. Can’t lurk.


In a horrifyingly depressing new trend, people are doing a self-marriage thing where they stand up in front of their friends and family to proclaim how awesome they are and get tons of presents for basically doing nothing and being single. Some call this a wedding ceremony with yourself, we call it graduation. But really, how would marrying yourself actually work? Do you send out invites and say that your parents cordially invite you to the wedding of their daughter to herself? Then you can get napkins that say Lindsay and Lindsay, two minds, one heart. This sounds like a ceremony for the seriously schizophrenic and seriously undatable. It also sounds like something Carrie Bradshaw has done/would do. All in all, self-marriage is chicken soup for the depressingly alone soul. Read article >>

Some Japanese people paid $250 to eat some guy’s penis. Usually the guy’s the one spending money for you to go to town on his dick, so this is an interesting spin on events. I have no idea what crazy fucking culinary school this guy went to but dick and balls: it’s just not what’s for dinner. Read article >>

When in Paris with Jay Z and Kanye West, Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted “Ni**as in Paris for real.” And obviously a shit storm ensued. Maybe if Gwyneth wasn’t the whitest person alive this wouldn’t be an issue. She then said sorry and was all like Yo bitchez, sorry, not my fault just trying to do my thang. Next time you see me I’ll be like ohhhh Gwyneth G. Read article >>



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