New York Times Says The Hamptons Is A Lawless Jungle

This weekend the New York Times (ever heard of it? Because we have) published an article which we find to be one of its funniest yet. A journalist with a lot of time on his hands decided to explore the urgent topic of wild partying in the Hamptons, as if we haven’t already cornered that market.

According to this article the Hamptons has become an unclassy destination where young i-banker pros are getting too wasted and destroying the beautiful enclave of proper, old money people who have never run anyone over with their car heard of Lizzie Grubman.

Now normally I would choose to read about this anywhere but the Times, but I wanted to see if my friend’s epic arrest story made it in. Kidding, my friends get arrested in way classier places. Either way I couldn’t resist hearing about the terrifying criminals that the Hamptons PD risk their lives fighting every day three days a week during the summer.

“The stories include that of a young man who tried to punch another young man he exchanged words with in downtown Montauk at around 5 a.m. on Aug. 3 but put his fist and then the rest of his body through the plate glass window of “Fudge ‘n’ Stuff” instead…[or] that of a freshly-minted Georgetown Law School graduate who, according to the police, became drunk and unruly outside of the Stephen Talkhouse music club in Amagansett, flailed her arms at police officers as they tried to arrest her…”

Quick, alert the media, people are drunk on summer vacation! A fist fight at Fudge ‘n’ Stuff! Seriously this behavior makes me yearn for Prohibition.

“As Elizabeth Fasolino walked her 1-year-old mutt Quincy down Wireless Road, the serenity was shattered by a barely visible — yet, at the same time, all-too-visible — naked young man crouched by a light pole. “He started to lunge at me,” she said. “He was speaking gibberish and he was clearly unclothed and he had a bottle in his hand.” 

This sounds exactly like what happened to me the one time I took a subway (on a dare). FYI, it turns out that this gibberish speaking criminal is actually the son-in-law of Chevy Chase. It’s tragic when you can barely distinguish the behavior of a schizophrenic homeless person or Amanda Bynes from those of a washed-up celebrity’s relative. But the fun doesn’t end there.

Inclement weather might have at least added to a perception of heavier car and foot traffic by diminishing the number of good beach days and in that way keeping more cars on the road and people on the streets. (It was perhaps frustration that led a man to throw a glass of water in a woman’s face as she waited for a parking space in East Hampton in late August, according to a police report).

I see the real problem here as a lack of valet parking, but sure, go ahead and blame it on the “frustrated citizens.” I also wonder if the writer of this article considered that maybe having water thrown in your face on a hot summer day feels refreshing, so you might say this man was doing her a favor.

“It feels out of control and if it feels out of control then we need to look deeper into what’s happening,” said Councilwoman Sylvia Overby. “This is a place where people want to come enjoy our natural resources; they don’t want to see drunken people falling across the road,” she said, adding, “That’s where the politics comes in: Which definition of East Hampton do you want?”

Actually Councilwoman Sylvia, I want the definition of East Hampton that tells me where I can get drunk without ending up an anecdote in a ridiculous New York Times page-filler. And I too am looking to enjoy your natural resources. I mean where else can I instagram a sunset as classy as the one with a geotag on Dune Road? 

But it is the smaller, rowdier, “quality of life” offenses that some longtime residents and lawmakers say has made the area seem slightly out of control at times, exacerbated this year by illegal share-houses and an expanding array of night spots catering to what appears to be a growing number of visitors.

And I thought the Chicago drug wars and Syrians were bad. Now I know these illegal sharehouses are the real cause of societal decline. What is an “illegal” sharehouse exactly and what’s the penalty for staying in one? What’s next, special Hamptons etiquette courses instructing you how to act like have a piece of a chic Hamptons beach fence permanently up your ass?

Relax townies, you have from now until Memorial Day to enjoy your “natural resources” without worrying about a drunk bro offending your precious eyesight. If you really hate us that much we’ll take our money and your entire tourism economy elsewhere. You officially can’t sit with us.


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