Hey girl. R U watching New Girl? Who is Caroline? Nick's mom? – my mom, text message.
So the finale of New Girl put us through a roller coaster of emotion, and you guys know how we feel about feelings, ew. Like I didn't not catch myself smiling at the TV during the last scene… Anyway, as usual, we fucking loved it, and to wrap things up we decided it was necessary to write Jess a congratulations-on-the-finale letter:
I hate your fucking bunny phone.
So let's see how the first season ended:
Nick is moving out, and guess to where!? The Windsor Court of California. If Caroline weren't so blonde and looked like she fucking loves Christmas, you'd think she were a JAB.
Instead of driving to his apartment however, he drives about 150 miles into the desert and throws away his keys. Totally normal. But don't worry, Jess to the rescue. She shows up in her shitty car, then fake-throws away her keys too! Wow, these people are totally sane!
Meanwhile, Schmidt is pissed off because his penis is in a bind, literally, and because he thinks he'll never be good enough for the Cecinator. And then he breaks up with her because of his self-esteem issues. Talk about a fatal flaw. Common Schmidtty, how do you not know that you are BOSS!? Like are you kidding me, you started this episode off throwing hypothetical hunnetts on blue collar workers. Rack city Schmidt, rack rack city Schmidt.
So back to the desert, my main question was like where did they get all of these supplies to build that half-tent? I get a truck can be easily turned into some form of shelter, but a basketball hoop? Beach chairs? Twine? What, was he packing to be on a really weird season of Survivor?
Anyway, Jess and Nick end up somewhere in the desert in the middle of the night face to face with a coyote, and nothing happens to them. You know, because those animals are soooo chill. We're not going to lie though, the way Nick grabbed Jess to make sure she didn't speak was so hot, right? I mean, we're d.
Of course Jess doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. But before she decides that in order to beat the coyote you have to be a coyote, she flutters her big ass eyelashes over her big eyes that are under her big ass glasses and tells Nick that she's going to be okay without him because she met him. Fucking logic.
Meanwhile, no one, including the other characters, knows what Winston is doing.
And what about that ending, I mean that was cutest shit I've ever seen, I literally almost made myself vom to stop my eyes from tearing. So after a minute of being in his new apartment with Caroline, he takes one look at her, notices her baby bump, and bounces right out of there. Then he plays You Shook Me All Night Long which he basically dedicated to Jess. I can't believe the two didn't kiss this season, wow. You know who did kiss though, Schmidt and Nick. Touché Fox, touché.
Here are some things we learned about each character:
Jess plays a triangle to let everyone know she's taking a shit.
Cece has the world's biggest cell phone font. Like that shit is bigger than the font on my grandma's kindle.
Schmidt thinks 'wolf' is pronounced 'woof' and freshly pressed linens turn him on.
Winston is a giant pussy.
Nick is casually so hot.
Quotes and shit:
Schmidt tastes the muffin Caroline bakes them: What is this a freakin' carob chip? What are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate?
Jess: Hows the new apt? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?
Winston: I'm worried about Schmidt. He's a jew in a desert, I don't want him to wander.
When they're interviewing their potential new roommate and guy from Reno 911 and 17 Again: Neil, tell us about yourself. Anything we should know… besides the fact that you responded to our Craigslist ad with a fax?
Schmidt: We need to talk. Cece: This isn't another one of those, “Merlot is the whore of the vinyard” talks is it?
Until next season betches! Don't cry now, Schmidt will be back soon with probably more lines and an even more intense delivery because the producers will realize people love him and will then ultimately ruin his character. Can't wait!